This post was submitted by Michael

I love my boyfriend.  We complement one another very well.  I love to cook, he loves to eat.  He finds satisfaction in doing laundry and cleaning the house, I am fine leaving that stuff up to him.  He’s a dreamer, I’m a realist.  Together, we make a great team.  Recently, we spent a few hours with some new friends, a male couple from San Francisco who were in town for the National Equality March.  The four of us hit it off famously, reveling in a seemingly endless set of similarities.  Before long, my boyfriend started asking questions, trying to determine which one of them was the “me” and which one was more like him.  It turned out that, while as a couple they shared a lot of our characteristics, neither one of them was more like either of us.  The characteristics they shared with us weren’t divided between them in the same ways as ours.

There was neither a “me” type or a “him” type that either of them fit into. But there were some leanings.  I spent a good twenty minutes in the kitchen cleaning up after dessert with one of the other couple.  We talked about vegetarianism, cooking, raw foods, kombucha, the restaurant I want to open…  He told me a few times how “right on” I was in my positions on things, and I felt similarly about him.  It was pretty cool to meet someone, and within two hours really connect with him.  I started wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone so similarly oriented.  What would life be like if my partner got as excited as I do about certain things?

Contrasting my current relationship with an imaginary one with a guy who shared all of my interests and passions, I wonder whether I would be better or worse off.  If my imaginary partner shared my passion for cooking, how would that work out?  Would we be embroiled in an eternal power struggle in the kitchen, or simply enjoy taking turns trying to “wow” one another on alternative nights?  And who would do the dishes?  Would we power through our shared dislike of other chores, or argue over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom?

Heterosexual couples have the (mis?)fortune of socially prescribed roles.  While no straight couple would fit into these roles perfectly, I would imagine that these roles still inform their relationships.  I imagine in straight-world, predefined gender roles act as templates for relationships.  These templates come in opposite pairs (pairings of “Others”) that match up and complement one another.  It’s up to each individual couple to negotiate the terms of their relationship, but these terms are modifications to a culturally determined template.  In same-sex relationships, these roles and templates go out the window.

I think a lot of  gay and lesbian people seek “the same” in their relationships:  same sex, same interests, same motivations.  These similarities might be considered compatibilities, but I tend to think that they might not be complementary.  I think with same-sex couples, complementary traits are better than commonalities.  Commonalities are good for friendships, I think, but I doubt they help establish the foundation for life-long partnerships.

Bisexuals raise another interesting question.  Does a bi-person seek the same qualities in their same-sex partners as they do in their opposite-sex partners?  Or do bi-people seek out “the other” in their heterosexual relationships and “the same” in their same-sex ones?

When you picture your ideal mate, is this person’s personality compatible with yours, or complementary?  Are you seeking “the same” or “the other?”

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