The Mother Lode: The Name Game
Welcome to TNG’s weekly motherly advice column, The Mother Lode! This week, Zack’s mom, Gaga, is here to answer you pressing questions!
Q: Dear Moms,
As someone who is transgender, I am planning to eventually change my birth name to one that fits my gender identity. haven’t told either of my parents about the name change plan, because I don’t know how they’d react considering they are the ones who chose the birth name to bestow upon me.
So my question is: How would you, as a parent, react to your child who says they are planning to officially change the name that you gave them?
-L
A: Dear L,
You ask how I would react as a parent. I would likely struggle with my child’s name change, but eventually come to accept his/her decision. After all, choosing a newborn’s name is an incredibly charged, meaningful act for a parent, not to mention the import it will have on the child’s emerging identity over time.
Ask me again as an adult whose never felt kindred with her first name, who fantasizes about the possibility of changing it. (maybe to “Skylar,” nickname “Sky”?). Then my take on your situation is utterly altered to celebrate your decision to change your name as key to claiming your new identity.
Furthermore, I would urge you to clearly and calmly explain your thoughts to your family. If you want them to call you by your new name and they are respectful of your request, fine. If not, you might consider setting a deadline with them after which you will no longer respond to your old name, only your new one.
Best of luck to you,
Gaga
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Similar to this could be a gay man’s decision to go by his full given name instead of the abbreviated nick-name. Not quite the same, but a lot of similar issues arise. I decided to go by Michael instead of Mike when I was a senior in high school. Everyone in college knew me as Michael, and it took quite a few years to get the rest of my family on board. This didn’t quite correlate with me coming out, so maybe this analogy isn’t very good at all. But I can say that FOR ME it’s still awkward to hear my brothers call me Michael, the name I want to be called.
Naming can be an interesting microcosm of family politics. My birth middle name was a good example – was I named after my paternal grandmother or not? Depends on whether you ask my mother or my father.
I would say, don’t underestimate the benefits of sucking up. It’s pretty much what middle names were made for. If your mother’s ever mentioned a name she wanted to use but didn’t, or if a much loved relative of the appropriate gender has passed away in the last 5-10 years… go for it ;)
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