Welcome to TNG’s motherly advice column, The Mother Lode! This week, Rocky’s mom, Daisy, answers a question from a reader who’s worried about bringing his significant other, and even his friends, home for the holidays. (Ed. note: And in my humble opinion, she kind of knocks it out of the park, but of course I’m biased…)

Q: Dear Mom,

When I came out seven years ago, my father (and mother at the time) made it clear to me that from here on out, they have no interest in my personal life. In fact, my father went so far to say that he will no longer recognize that I have a social life outside of the family, as he has no interest in who I am dating (or the fact that I am dating at all). Since coming out, my sexuality has been locked away, bolted shut by my father’s conservative family values and disinterest in my personal life. My mother, on the other hand, has come to accept me for who I am and recognizes that I am, in fact, human, this is who I am, and that I date men.

With Thanksgiving and the holidays coming up, I can’t help but ponder the possibility of bringing someone home, be that person someone I might date or just simply gay friends. My twin brother’s girlfriend of four years is now an integral part of our family and attends all holiday events. How should I bring up the issue of bringing someone home with my parents, specifically my father who still doesn’t recognize my sexuality? I am tempted to either set a deadline or simply tell him that I will not be joining him for holidays or visiting him at all until he recognizes me completely and allows me to bring someone home. It would be great to get some outside parental advice as to how to approach this situation. Thanks!

-Kareem

A: Dear Kareem,

My first impulse is to say, “f*** you” to your father, but no, his feelings are as real as yours and mine, so let’s treat them with respect. Your father’s personality sounds so rigid and arbitrary, I hope he was able to be a good parent to you growing up on matters other than this one.

Start thinking through and making some decisions for yourself right now. When do you want to go, and how long do you want to stay? Exactly who do you want to go with, are they available, and anticipating the environment you expect, do they want to go? Perhaps, at this time, you can work more reasonably with your mother, whom I’m sure wants you to come visit during the holidays. Let her know what you would like to do, and let her advise you whether it is workable. Of course, I’m hoping it is.

If it is not workable, if your father would not reasonably tolerate you and your guest’s presence at a family holiday celebration, he must bear the consequences of his own splintered attitudes toward you. He should understand that it is unfair to expect you to have an engaging personal life with him, but a detached disinterested one away from him. Your twin brother can have one with and away from him, and he can bring his girlfriend to all of the family’s social gatherings if he chooses. Your father is treating you as less than a full son, and if there is any sense of fairness in him, that inconsistency must change. If, given his dreaded “conservative family values” it doesn’t, you should be careful not to indulge it. I agree that you must make it clear that you will not visit him until he recognizes you completely including welcoming visitors of your choice into his home.

I thought I sensed a note of angry confrontation in your question, and while you can see that I generally agree with the way you are approaching the problem, I would like to counsel you to resist being resentful about it. So often when parents are being ridiculously arbitrary with their children, they are unknowingly terribly afraid for them while loving them desperately (or less charitably, they may be narcissistic). They want to coerce you to change. Of course, your father’s reaction is adversely affecting everyone in the family, and if you are not there, you will be dearly missed. Perhaps other allies may be available to help you turn things around. Consider all of the options and perhaps you can to help him learn to change.

Please take care to enjoy the upcoming holidays in the ways that bring the most joy to you. I believe that when we truly are doing the very best thing that we can for ourselves, we also de facto are doing the very best thing for everyone else involved (even when it doesn’t seem like it!).

Love,
Mom

Got a question for our moms? Send it to submit@thenewgay.net! Gaga will be back next week to dispense a little more motherly wisdom. Until then!