Although we might mention those “government clients” we will speak neither about our (real) jobs nor our (real) employers so as not to compromise “the assignment”. We also manage to conceal our weapons well.

Those who allude to their jobs but refuse to elaborate are low rank amateurs and novices who resort to the pretense of intrigue as an aphrodesiac.

This is a historic weekend for all LGBT people. I predict the crowd will be 500,000. Cleve was right – this event will lead to our full equality NOW.

Everyone attending should be congratulated. Equality is in the air.

Ever since Windows 3.1 hit the scene circa 1992, the Internet Troll Fag’s entire identity has been paradoxically constructed and hollowed out by an ever-increasing addiction to the fleeting thrill of the anonymous, not-so-witty insult. While the Internet may have initially offered a safe space to explore his sexual identity, it has now become an all-consuming virtual closet. His libido severely stymied by entire years spent toggling between multiplayer RPGs and collecting pictures of young men on Craigslist, lack of physical activity and one-handed typing while he shoots icy comments at TNG Fags (and other Fags who incorporate the Internet into an otherwise healthy daily routine), the Internet Troll Fag has no desire to risk engaging in traditional acts of human interaction.

The TNG fag is an evangelist for cool, because the TNGer IS cool. Or rather, he is the negation of everything uncool about gay culture—everything stale and old about gay culture. “I’m like, lower-case gay. Ya know?”

The TNGer obsesses with social categorization because it’s the only way he knows to define himself. He knows what he isn’t. What he is doesn’t really matter as long as it’s not stereotypically gay in the non-ironic kind of way. “Why would anyone find this homophobic?”

The TNGer strives to be anything but a stereotype. “Escape the mainstream; Be yourself!” is his battle cry, yet his actual identity is a hologram—a mirror image of a stereotype that exists only in his own head.

The TNGer often claims that what makes his gayness “new” is his focus on social awareness and community enrichment (because they are the first gay people to be aware of the world around them). This is, of course, why TNG has so many more fundraisers and recycling drives than they do dance parties. (They don’t.) “But at least we don’t spin Janet. That would be soooo predictable.”

No sir. Hipsters are predictable. And there’s nothing “new” about them.

ROFLMFAO. That’s because they are their own vapid social group! Don’t believe me? Just read the Facebook of most DC bears or go to the EFN lounge on a Friday night.

And it’s true about the bears. They are more fun, but, like real bears, are totally single minded in their pursuits. Skinny boys need not bother. Sigh.

Risking the anonymity of the hordes of people that converge upon DC for pride or National Equality Marches, the Military queen will make an appearance from behind the computer screen to actually venture out into the real gay world. Noting that it’s easier to blend in among a crowd, the military queen is still easily picked out due to their erect posture, baseball cap pulled down over their eyes and the darkest of dark sunglasses. The baseball cap and sunglasses magically disappear once the military queen enters a dark and crowded bar, but are only replaced by darting eyes and a generally nervous and twitching appearance. Initial approach of the military queen should be taken with caution as they will appear flighty; however, once you’ve fed him four or five gin and tonics or beam and cokes (no vodka it’s not manly enough), the military queen will turn magically into the super slut that she is on gay.com or craigslist and will put out quite easily, legs flying over her head. Just make sure to kick her out before sun rises or she’ll be a big mess in the morning wondering how to get back to base.

Fortunately, since getting out, I’m far more into my current incarnation as an Animal Planet fag. Sure sounds like the happiest, most fun loving group out there to me, by far!

Rarer? Spoken like someone who spends too much time around his own kind. This town is crawling with them. Or waddling, as the case may be.

Second, I laughed so hard reading this and so needed that today. I so saw some of these DC fags also represented in Chicago.

but i just have to say there’s one thing about your comment that really pissed me off: “posts on this blog have become increasingly homophobic (emphasis added).” wow. i realize that you’re talking about more than this particular post (b/c you seriously have to be), but that’s a pretty ugly, outrageous and scurrilous charge. frankly, it’s akin to Rumsfeld calling war protestors unpatriotic or Glenn Beck calling the president a racist. it’s exceedingly nasty and flies in the face of two years worth of evidence to the contrary from writers across a wide swath of the LGBT spectrum. And on behalf of my entire staff, i’d like to express my deep offense.

perhaps i missed the memo that stated that support for the LGBT community means never questioning mainstream positions or taking a step back and poking a little fun at ourselves. apparently, that now means we hate queer folks. well, i apologize if that’s the impression we’ve been giving off. although, from an objective point of view, i’d like to think even a cursory glance at our front page on any given day would make it abundantly clear that that’s not the case. much like all of you, we’re fighting tirelessly for a world where LGBT folks of all shapes, sizes, races and religions can live freely and equally under the law. we just don’t abide assholes, and if that makes us assholes every now and again, then so be it.

it’s comments like this that make me think of queer folks in dangerous situations around the U.S. and the world dealing with actual homophobia, who are persecuted and killed on a daily basis simply for loving someone of the same sex or asserting their right to live as whichever gender they choose. it would behoove you to do the same the next time you decide to start throwing the homophobe card around.

(btw, i’d love to discuss this further, and have a constructive conversation about your concerns, if you’re willing, but we don’t need to have this argument here. feel free to email. thx.)

but forgive me everybody, i didn’t mean to bring the room down. just needed to get that off my chest. commence joking!

This is every fag who is in every bar, restuaruant or club every time you go out. Whether it’s once a month or once a year every time you go out you will see this fag surrounded by his fellow Ubiquiboys in a tight clique laughing hysterically, contorting his face into some GayFace mask during what are sure to be terribly important conversations, and then looking away complacently to scan the room and pretend to be masculine if he sees a guy he likes.

Ubiquiboys are on every social networking website and on every hook-up site even if they are in “committed relationships”. They are on every Gay vacation, at every party and event. every time you go to Pentagon City or Tysons or the Mazza Gallerie he’s there and somehow you see him. Hell, I even pass them while driving through town.

Hope y’all are well.

And ps Williamsburg sucks shit and ain’t worth even mentioning.