Zack's Ramblings: DC Fags: A Field Guide
Dear Reader,
We are delighted to hear that you are visiting our country’s capital this weekend for the National Equality March. This is a truly exciting time to be queer, and your presence on the mall this weekend will just help to galvanize a movement that is already on the precipice of actual, lasting change.
However, you should also keep in mind that you’ll be visiting Washington DC and the gay people here are crazy. This is not endemic to the District, of course, but the fags here a special kind of crazy. So to prepare you for who you will be meeting, protesting, dancing and sleeping with I present Zack Rosen’s guide to DC Fags. Feel free to leave your own designations in the comment box. And if any queer ladies or trans folk would like to submit their own such field guide I would be much obliged.
Also, while all the fag types I mentioned are multi-racial, I know there are some specifically non-white fag types I left out because I didn’t wanna open a can of worms. Would anyone wanna help me out with those in the comment section or a follow up post?
***
1. THE SWEATER FAG
Habitat: HRC Dinners, Georgetown, Everywhere
Like pigeons or tourists with giant suitcases, it is best not to question how the sweater fag got to DC. You should just accept the fact that they are here to stay. A slightly older breed of fag with money and a row house, the sweater fag makes the DC world go round through a combination of philanthropy, hyper-developed social skills and desire to imbibe drinks whose price range and sparkly evanescence match that of Swarovski Crystal. Sweater fags tend to be adequately genial, though they are given to condescending head-patting towards anyone not wearing a collar and sometimes think Morrissey is a stand up comedian.
(Note: Sweater fags are not always adorned in the titular garments. They may also be found in button ups, cardigans, wool vests, and, in summer, polos.)
2. THE CAPITOL HILL FAG
Habitat: Halo, A Happy Hour Near You, The Closet
The Fag most likely to follow dinner with his girlfriend with a night of fevered craigslist dick-shopping, this is the DC Fag that gives all other DC Fags a slightly-worse name. Even when not closeted, their undying ambition for a political future will lead them to conduct themselves in a manner usually reserved for Victorian royalty. They will not so much as speak of marijuana in public or use the group shower at their gym in fear that it will damage their 2024 bid for City Council.
They are often indistinguishable in appearance from regular gay people, and such are most easily identified through their vocal patterns. They will invoke the name of their obscure gubernatorial employer as a pickup line and blanch visibly if you do not recognize the California State Educational Comptroller by name and face. The more buttoned up the outward appearance, the dirtier the creature within. That clean-shaven blonde guy in the seersucker suit will ask you to take a dump in his fishtank while he calls his mother.
3. THE JAMES BOND FAG:
Habitat: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
Very little is known about this fag, as his super-secret government job requires him to be less than forthcoming about the nature of his employment. (It has something to do with either espionage or agriculture.) He disappears for weeks at a time without telling you where. He will frequently allude to his job in hopes that you will ask him to elaborate. He will then tell that you that, no, he is not actually able to elaborate.
4. THE INDIE ROCK FAG:
Habitat: The Black Cat, The Wonderland Ballroom, a thrift store
The fag who most loudly proclaims their disdain for the prescribed rituals of all other kinds of fags, yet have the staunchest rules for who may be accepted in their club house. Largely bearded and bespectacled, the IRF is defined by a specificity of taste that is often incorrectly attribute to the DC Hipster Fag. (See below.) They will be decked out in tight (but not overly tight) Levis, faded hoodies and a nonchalant pair of Adidas.
The best way to approach such a creature is to either compliment his tattoo, tell him when you last saw the band being advertised on his t-shirt or complain about all the other fags at the supposedly-alternative nightlife event you both came to in search of dick. If you end up going home with this specimen, be prepared to smoke weed and listen to Grizzly Bear LPs during sex.
5. THE DC HIPSTER FAG
Habitat: DC9, Rock N’ Roll Hotel, a warehouse that can only be accessed through an underground tunnel.
Often confused with the Indie Rock Fag, (see above) DC’s hipster are unique in that they wear bright colors, express unbridled enthusiasm for a small number of bars and DJs and have uniformly hot bodies. While most citiy’s hipsters are more in line with DC’s indie rock fags, our hipsters are the most easy to distinguish because they aren’t afraid to dance at concerts, will compliment your high-tops while asking you for coke and proudly rock outfits that appear to have been selected by Steve Wonder from the hypercolor world of tomorrow.
WARNING: DC Hipster Fags are usually about a month away from becoming “I Wish I Lived in Brooklyn or San Francisco” fags. (see below.) If you like one, approach them soon. They won’t be here long.
6. THE ANIMAL PLANET FAG
Habitat: The Eagle, The Green Lantern, Blowoff
The Bear, and his skinner-yet-equally-hirsute cousin The Otter, are one of the rarer DC Fag Breeds. They are often older and less focused on fitting into a vapid social group. As such they, paradoxically, have successful careers and comfortable standards of living while not sucking to be around. Those enjoying beer, weed and fart jokes will be in good company. Those with slender builds or no body hair should be warned: You will be invisible in company of the Animal Planet fag. No matter how much you might want one, they probably aren’t wanting you back.
7. THE GYM FAG
Habitat: Results, Vida, Washington Sports Club
Young or old, fat or skinny, genius or troglodyte, the gym fags have one uniting characteristic: You will never, ever, not even for a minute, not during Ben and Jerry’s Free Ice Cream Cone day, not during a city-wide evacuation, see them outside of the gym. It’s not that they spend all their free time there or that you don’t go to the same bars. It’s just that the two of you exist in separate space/time continuums that only unite you in places with a bench press.
You could have a 45 minute conversation about Foucault in the sauna with this fag, you could see them at the lat pull twice a day for two weeks, but the second you step outside those sweaty walls he is nowhere to be found. Falling in love with a gym fag is extremely ill-advised, as you will be forced to carry out an entire courtship under the same walls as an all-male Pilate’s class.
8. THE URBAN OUTFITTERS FAG
Habitat: The Duplex Diner, various one-off alternative nights
The Urban Outfitters Fag is the ultimate sodomite wolf in sheeps clothing. From a distance, their flannel button-ups, faded t-shirts and skinny jeans mark them as a Hipster or Indie Rock Fag. Closer up, though, you will see that the flannel still has store tags, the shirt read “Everyone Loves A Jewish/Italian/New Jersey Boy” and they are wearing the skinny jeans with the grace and comfort of a cat in a wetsuit. The musical knowledge of such a fag ranges from Hot Chip to Lady Gaga to… Hot Chip. They travel in packs of thirty and are very welcoming to new people. All in all, not the worst kind of DC fag.
9. THE “WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF” FAGS:
Habitiat: Arlington
These two fags got married about two years ago. Half the time you see themat a polite, sit down dinner party. The other half they are incomparably wasted at a bar, bitching about each other’s annoying domestic habits and trolling for guest stars. To be avoided.
10. THE CHAMELEON FAG
Habitat: Everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
When you see this fag at the gym he is in track pants and a tank top. When you see him at cobalt he is in cargo shorts and a striped polo. At the Black Cat he is spotted in Levi’s and a black t-shirt. Three-piece suit at the Farragut North Metro. Suspenders and a cardigan at DIK bar. Head-to-toe glitter at Town. Eventually this Fag will make you disillusioned. You will wonder if you ever really knew anyone to begin with. You will look inside his head and see nothing but a fine mist.
11. THE “I WISH I LIVED IN BROOKLYN OR SAN FRANCISCO FAG.”
Habitat: A Bolt Bus to New York, a flight to San Francisco, or wherever one goes to rent a UHaul.
This fag came to DC a couple years ago for college, or a temporary job, or because their boyfriend moved here and they had nothing else to do so why not come along? They are certain to their very core that a soul as laid-back, creative and bohemian as theirs belongs in a place like Williamsburg or The Mission. However, they are too lazy or complacent to get off their ass and actually relocate. Instead they begin most sentences with “When I move…” and have been planning their going away party since the signing of their first lease. Very few people will notice when he actually goes, as half of this fag’s alienated friend group assume he already moved.
12. JAILBAIT FAG
Habitat: Apex, Soho Tea and Coffee, The Gallery Place H & M
Just be careful here. That cute 18 year old will wow you one day with a bright smile and thorough exegesis of the Odyssey. The next he will pass out in the bar you snuck him into before vomiting in the back of your car and running full-tilt back to GW without his pants. Whole local cottage industries have been built around Jailbait Fags. And every September we get hundreds of new ones and the challenge begins anew.
13. THE NON-PROFIT/ CONSULTANT FAG
Habitat: Shake a stick and find out.
Two sides of the same coin, both of these fags are DC omnipresences with ambiguous jobs, specific stomping grounds and unchecked use of the company credit card. The non-profit fag spends all day saving the environment, making life better for children or fighting for the rights of a gay community that often doesn’t care. They rent palatial group houses in Columbia Heights or Mt. Pleasant and often pet-sit as a second source of income. The consultant fag has a job that no one understands (usually involving IT) and sometimes works weekends. Guess which one is horrifically overpaid, and which one subsists on Ramen?
NOTE: Disgruntled non-profit fags often cross over. Just ask any consultant fag how he got his start.
14. THE COCOON FAG
Habitat: Cobalt, JRs, Anyplace that sells Hollister
The other extreme from a Jailbait Fag, The Cocoon Fag is a middle-aged man who recently came out of the closet and feels that gives him an excuse to act like a pubescent, hormonal teenager. Never mind the wisdom one gains through age or a certain quiet dignity that settles on a men when he leaves his twenties. The Cocoon Fag dresses like Jake Ryan in an ultimate frisbee match, references his college-age children and ex-wife in casual conversation and never has fewer than fifteen Urban Outfitters Fags in the hot tub of his luxury penthouse condo.
15. THE HETERO FAG:
Habitat: Stitch n’ Bitch meetings, feminist non-profits, vegan brunch at Asylum
The Hetero Fag is a straight guy who is just so open-minded that he will surround himself with gay men, act as their wingmen, hold their towels at the crew club and tuck them into bed at night. Sensitive as prostates and sweeter than sugar, the hetero fag will break your heart while scoring more pussy than lasagna at a Garfield convention. The hetero fag knows exactly what he is doing.
OK, thats it for me. I know you readers have your own suggestions for other DC fag types. Wanna leave ‘em in the comments section?
a masterpiece . . .
So, instead of celebrating diversity you choose to malign it? Posts on this blog have become increasingly homophobic – meaning your sarcastic disdain for anyone who chooses to live differently then you is growing. Instead of finding value in mocking others, perhaps TheNewGay can get back to when this blog offered a fresh alternative instead of a brow-beating. No wonder no one goes to your TNG parties or comments on your posts anymore. Its no longer a queer-friendly environment but a two-person click.
@Zack – you forgot “Humorless Fag”, of which this town is rife.
@Andrew – I believe you meant “clique”.
Careful Andrew, you might encourage another post about how much it hurts to be rejected by mainstream gay culture.
(/me removes tongue from cheek)
Wow. I think Zack actually wrote Number 9 for me. I mean I know no other couples that fit this exactly to a T. If you are catagorizing, I would keep it a little more vague. “To be avoided” Well I guess that means when you see me and say hi and sound genuinely authentic it is just a facade. Oh well…
Ok, just to clarify: Every item in this post is a composite of many, many people. Nothing here refers to any specific persons or couples.
This made me laugh and laugh and laugh. My stint in DC made me so used by the gays there. There was one thing they all seemed to have in common: the tucked in shirt! Ask ME about my rage at this all those years ago.
Hope y’all are well.
And ps Williamsburg sucks shit and ain’t worth even mentioning.
May I suggest the Ubiquiboy? Or Ubiquifag?
This is every fag who is in every bar, restuaruant or club every time you go out. Whether it’s once a month or once a year every time you go out you will see this fag surrounded by his fellow Ubiquiboys in a tight clique laughing hysterically, contorting his face into some GayFace mask during what are sure to be terribly important conversations, and then looking away complacently to scan the room and pretend to be masculine if he sees a guy he likes.
Ubiquiboys are on every social networking website and on every hook-up site even if they are in “committed relationships”. They are on every Gay vacation, at every party and event. every time you go to Pentagon City or Tysons or the Mazza Gallerie he’s there and somehow you see him. Hell, I even pass them while driving through town.
@ andrew – what we have here is a failure to communicate. this is not “sarcastic disdain” or “mocking.” it’s pretty standard issue satire. i mean do you think zack’s actually being serious here? really? b/c i can promise you he’s joking around. the goal here wasn’t to offend, but to make you chuckle the next time you pull that sweater vest out of the drawer. but clearly you hate tng for reasons other than zack’s quick tongue-in-cheek potshot at your Hollister t-shirt. rest assured, however, that i speak for the many more than two people around the country that make tng happen on a daily basis when I say that we don’t hate you, and you’re welcome here anytime.
but i just have to say there’s one thing about your comment that really pissed me off: “posts on this blog have become increasingly homophobic (emphasis added).” wow. i realize that you’re talking about more than this particular post (b/c you seriously have to be), but that’s a pretty ugly, outrageous and scurrilous charge. frankly, it’s akin to Rumsfeld calling war protestors unpatriotic or Glenn Beck calling the president a racist. it’s exceedingly nasty and flies in the face of two years worth of evidence to the contrary from writers across a wide swath of the LGBT spectrum. And on behalf of my entire staff, i’d like to express my deep offense.
perhaps i missed the memo that stated that support for the LGBT community means never questioning mainstream positions or taking a step back and poking a little fun at ourselves. apparently, that now means we hate queer folks. well, i apologize if that’s the impression we’ve been giving off. although, from an objective point of view, i’d like to think even a cursory glance at our front page on any given day would make it abundantly clear that that’s not the case. much like all of you, we’re fighting tirelessly for a world where LGBT folks of all shapes, sizes, races and religions can live freely and equally under the law. we just don’t abide assholes, and if that makes us assholes every now and again, then so be it.
it’s comments like this that make me think of queer folks in dangerous situations around the U.S. and the world dealing with actual homophobia, who are persecuted and killed on a daily basis simply for loving someone of the same sex or asserting their right to live as whichever gender they choose. it would behoove you to do the same the next time you decide to start throwing the homophobe card around.
(btw, i’d love to discuss this further, and have a constructive conversation about your concerns, if you’re willing, but we don’t need to have this argument here. feel free to email. thx.)
but forgive me everybody, i didn’t mean to bring the room down. just needed to get that off my chest. commence joking!
First, the picture for this post is great!
Second, I laughed so hard reading this and so needed that today. I so saw some of these DC fags also represented in Chicago.
[...] weekend for some sorta National Equality March? Then may I present for your reading pleasure this Field Guide to help you identify the various specimens you may encounter(some these I’m pretty sure could [...]
[...] weekend for some sorta National Equality March? Then may I present for your reading pleasure this Field Guide to help you identify the various specimens you may encounter(some these I’m pretty sure could [...]
[...] weekend for some sorta National Equality March? Then may I present for your reading pleasure this Field Guide to help you identify the various specimens you may encounter(some these I’m pretty sure could [...]
“The Bear, and his skinner-yet-equally-hirsute cousin The Otter, are one of the rarer DC Fag Breeds.”
Rarer? Spoken like someone who spends too much time around his own kind. This town is crawling with them. Or waddling, as the case may be.
love it. love it. love it.
Huh…not sure where I used to fit in back when I was at Fort Myer. Too old to be jailbait, to poor to be a cocoon fag. Surely there’s something for all of the closeted military types…the Jeff Gannon maybe?
Fortunately, since getting out, I’m far more into my current incarnation as an Animal Planet fag. Sure sounds like the happiest, most fun loving group out there to me, by far!
My apologies Zack, lol. I still love you and this post is hilarious! I guess I got stuck in a case of “if the shoe fits”, lol. My panties are now out of the bunch they were in. ;)
[...] post is from here. Visit the link to read more.At the Black Cat he is spotted in Levi’s and a black t-shirt. [...]
YOu totally forgot the Military Queen
Risking the anonymity of the hordes of people that converge upon DC for pride or National Equality Marches, the Military queen will make an appearance from behind the computer screen to actually venture out into the real gay world. Noting that it’s easier to blend in among a crowd, the military queen is still easily picked out due to their erect posture, baseball cap pulled down over their eyes and the darkest of dark sunglasses. The baseball cap and sunglasses magically disappear once the military queen enters a dark and crowded bar, but are only replaced by darting eyes and a generally nervous and twitching appearance. Initial approach of the military queen should be taken with caution as they will appear flighty; however, once you’ve fed him four or five gin and tonics or beam and cokes (no vodka it’s not manly enough), the military queen will turn magically into the super slut that she is on gay.com or craigslist and will put out quite easily, legs flying over her head. Just make sure to kick her out before sun rises or she’ll be a big mess in the morning wondering how to get back to base.
That’s funny, I thought for a second that Zack may have meant #9 for me! Then I realized we’ve never been to a dinner party together, I live much farther away than Arlington, I don’t complain about my boyfriend, and the only time I may have been interpreted as “trolling for a guest star” was when I was making out with HIM. Just a testament to the depths of my vanity that one of these MUST have been about me specifically.
And it’s true about the bears. They are more fun, but, like real bears, are totally single minded in their pursuits. Skinny boys need not bother. Sigh.
“The Bear, and his skinner-yet-equally-hirsute cousin The Otter, are one of the rarer DC Fag Breeds. They are often older and less focused on fitting into a vapid social group.”
ROFLMFAO. That’s because they are their own vapid social group! Don’t believe me? Just read the Facebook of most DC bears or go to the EFN lounge on a Friday night.
I would also offer that DC bears are just as judgemental as the twinks. God forbid if, once you are considered a bear, you decide you want to try and attain a healthy weight. They will ostracize you in a heartbeat.
TheNewGay Fag: Similar in appearance to the Hipster Fag or Urban Outfitters Fag. But what defines the TNG Fag is his need for social categorization. “But it’s tongue-in-cheek! Duh!”
The TNG fag is an evangelist for cool, because the TNGer IS cool. Or rather, he is the negation of everything uncool about gay culture—everything stale and old about gay culture. “I’m like, lower-case gay. Ya know?”
The TNGer obsesses with social categorization because it’s the only way he knows to define himself. He knows what he isn’t. What he is doesn’t really matter as long as it’s not stereotypically gay in the non-ironic kind of way. “Why would anyone find this homophobic?”
The TNGer strives to be anything but a stereotype. “Escape the mainstream; Be yourself!” is his battle cry, yet his actual identity is a hologram—a mirror image of a stereotype that exists only in his own head.
The TNGer often claims that what makes his gayness “new” is his focus on social awareness and community enrichment (because they are the first gay people to be aware of the world around them). This is, of course, why TNG has so many more fundraisers and recycling drives than they do dance parties. (They don’t.) “But at least we don’t spin Janet. That would be soooo predictable.”
No sir. Hipsters are predictable. And there’s nothing “new” about them.
The Internet Troll Fag: Not to be confused with those men of a certain age who are often derisively referred to as “trolls” as they frequent the shadowy back corners of Apex or a certain gym’s sauna just south of Dupont Circle, the Internet Troll Fag is rarely ever spotted in the third dimension. In fact, the only photographic evidence we have of the ITF is most likely a fake picture of someone else.
Ever since Windows 3.1 hit the scene circa 1992, the Internet Troll Fag’s entire identity has been paradoxically constructed and hollowed out by an ever-increasing addiction to the fleeting thrill of the anonymous, not-so-witty insult. While the Internet may have initially offered a safe space to explore his sexual identity, it has now become an all-consuming virtual closet. His libido severely stymied by entire years spent toggling between multiplayer RPGs and collecting pictures of young men on Craigslist, lack of physical activity and one-handed typing while he shoots icy comments at TNG Fags (and other Fags who incorporate the Internet into an otherwise healthy daily routine), the Internet Troll Fag has no desire to risk engaging in traditional acts of human interaction.
Great article. 10,000 of us are coming from Dallas. I will make sure all the busloads have a copy to pass around.
This is a historic weekend for all LGBT people. I predict the crowd will be 500,000. Cleve was right – this event will lead to our full equality NOW.
Everyone attending should be congratulated. Equality is in the air.
As a “James Bond Fag” I must make one clarification. We never disclose our occupation. Instead we give you our cover. Many of us are “personal trainers” or “real estate” agents. It’s usually a field where the presence of “goverment clients” would seem natural.
Although we might mention those “government clients” we will speak neither about our (real) jobs nor our (real) employers so as not to compromise “the assignment”. We also manage to conceal our weapons well.
Those who allude to their jobs but refuse to elaborate are low rank amateurs and novices who resort to the pretense of intrigue as an aphrodesiac.
Only in DC would you have to label and categorize everyone. Pathetic.
Personally, several friends read this to me and others at the bar where I work last night and we laughed uproariously because everything you said is true. I think one fag that you forgot though is the sort of post professional pre-grad school – victim of the economy fag. This person like myself completely burned out as a non-profit fag and decided to work in the service industry and then fell victim to a tanking economy. Feeling somewhat non-stimulated making different iterations of vodka cranberry, I’m now in a middle space of working in the service industry before I get into graduate school. I spend my days reading about public policy and other social causes that I used to work in because I spend my nights listening to way too much conversation about Lady Gaga.
You forgot the Ex-washingtonian fag. That’s the one who moves away and gets some perspective on Washington. Having moved away in ‘96 I wouldn’t have fit in these new categories, but wistfully I’d invent the category ‘WHFS / 9:30 / BBQ Iguana fag’ to be the ancestor of today’s hipster / indie fag, and I would’ve been a mix of that plus jailbait plus nonprofit. I don’t miss exchanging CVs / resumes as part of flirting, nor the generally guarded / critical / conservative air of DC… Love Seattle for that!! But I do miss mass transit, diverse restaurants, Trax and many other wonderful things about DC past.
I know it’s impossible to believe but there are black fags that fit into each of these categories. Although that might mean acknowledging that we’re all the same. But we can’t do that can we?
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