Welcome to TNG’s new motherly advice column, The Mother Lode! This week, Zack’s mom, Gaga, tackles coming out.

Dear Moms,

I expect that you are very understanding of your sons, otherwise you wouldn’t have agreed to do a feature such as this for a blog like this one. Still, I wonder if you can speak to what you felt and how you think other moms feel when their son or daughter comes out of the closet.

My mom spent the better part of two years explaining my orientation away as “just a phase.” In the meantime, I was struggling to find who I was. I often felt that I did not have my parents’ full support even though I knew it was just their way of coping. I don’t know if my mom still thinks it’s a phase or not, but she’s at least figured out that it upsets me to hear that from her.

She knows my boyfriend of two years and even buys him souvenirs when she travels, so I think she’s beginning to deal with things now. But her initial reaction was not as helpful as it could have been.

Did you feel grief or loss when your son revealed a new part of his Self to you or did you welcome the news?

Thanks for contributing. And thanks for producing such great sons. What would TNG be without them?

–Matt’

Dear Matt:

Thanks for your thoughtful question and kind words about my son, Zack.

Let me tell you about the August night when Zack told his father and me that he was gay: We were driving back to our B&B on a dark country road in rural Ohio. Zack was about to begin his sophomore year at Kenyon College. From the back seat, “Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you.” I remember my heart racing and my gut pulsing. I was convinced he was going to tell us that either he had gotten a girl pregnant or that he had contracted AIDS. (As he later told me, my husband Robert thought the same things.)

“I’m gay.”

I remember feeling that time was standing still, that I was stunned and that I needed to respond. So… out of a universe of responses what did I come up with? “Do you think you’ll get married and have kids?” and Zack wisely responded, “Mom, I’m only 20 years old. I’m not thinking about that.”

I believe every mom goes through a deep process of reflection upon a child’s sharing the news that they’re gay. And that process will be unique as the mother and child who are negotiating their way through this new territory. I’m hearing from what you’re saying about your mom’s process that while she may not have been as supportive initially as you would have liked that she is growing towards a place of greater acceptance of you and your gayness.

In my case, it has meant coming to view Zack’s gayness as much an authentic feature of his person as his integrity and candor or his wit and his enthusiasm. Initially, I was very concerned about what sorts of lifestyle choices he might make and whether they would jeopardize his well being in any way. The fact that he is in a meaningful relationship with a fine man pleases me.

Thanks again for the question.

Gaga

Rocky’s mom, Daisy, is on deck for next week. Send your questions to submit@thenewgay.net! See you next week!

---

First time here? See what we're all about... Get involved... Send us a tip!...

---