I Am Not Going To Kill Myself, But Can We Talk?
The Indie Rock Fag is off this week. TNG reader Jeremy brings us this post.
Photo: Michael Hicks
Another one of my friends killed himself this week. The death toll is up to five suicides in three years. And counting. No need for you to say you’re sorry. Nothing you could have done.
More than feeling sad I feel furious. I want to scream and yell like a motherfucker. But I can’t. Metaphorically my hands are duct-taped to my sides. And there is a gag around my mouth. And my face is being pushed into the dirt so violently I am barely able to breathe. I’m left with a sound we never seem to be able to get used to: silence. I am a bottle and I am compressing a ferocious and passionate silence.
Us Americans sure like noise don’t we? Noisy cities. Noisy clubs. Noisy coffee shops. Most people I know avoid silence all costs. And I do too. Here I sit in front of a computer until I am no longer able to hold my head up. I will fall into bed exhausted without the terror of laying coherent solely with my thoughts. Once upon a time, I slept with many men in order to avoid the scary emptiness of those bleak and human-less 4 o’clock A.M.s. Eventually, I found the behavior of most of these men so vile and despicable that I am now unable to enjoy their soulless bodies.
I fear that we have been programmed to be optimists to the point that we are unable to process and acknowledge depression. This has led to a lot of recent inner-turmoil and conflict. What my intuition is telling me is much different than what almost everyone I know is telling me. It’s as if my eyes are seeing steel gray but most everyone I know is insisting I see pink. I fear I have lost my ability to differentiate color.
But when I eat at my favorite restaurants many of the booths are empty. There was room to move on the dance floor at a club that is usually packed shoulder to shoulder. My once modest apartment complex is further falling to disrepair. My mother is putting her rent on credit cards and it takes more than one hand to count the people I know whose houses are going into foreclosure. Down the street from me there’s a cute Mexican eatery. Two years ago the parking lot was at capacity but when I drove by a month ago there was a grown man with a mask and sombrero trying to lure in business. Their parking lot was empty on a Friday night. I had to pull over. I started crying.
Perhaps the most recent evolution of our species is the “it’s getting better” reflex. Much like our gag reflex prevents us from choking perhaps the “it’s getting better” reflex prevents us from acknowledging painful and serious truths. I am convinced that if the entire city I live in went out of business, there would be some asshole proclaiming that things are indeed getting better; it just takes time. I am allowing myself the freedom to be scared as fuck of these uncertain times. I am allowing myself the freedom to say that I think things are going to get worse.
Has anyone noticed the social climate’s weariness and indifference towards sincere expressions of sadness and fear? Does anyone else realize the danger of reducing true angst to “being emo” and the damage that telling someone to “just get over it and cheer up” can cause? More often than not it seems these days that people respond to heartfelt emoting with sarcasm or humor. To avoid the snickering and jabbing often provoked by a so-called pessimistic expression sensitive people often choose to shut up and bury. Had my friend who killed himself last week posted “the world is really painful to me right now” as his Facebook status, how would we have reacted? Unfortunately, I fear he would have had to deal with the same “just cheer ups” “go get wasteds” “life’s not so bads” and “quit being so emos” that I’ve encountered countless times.
We are social beings who are very capable of experiencing highs and triumphs together. So why the inability to fully embrace and understand our lows? Something that is buried still lurks under the dirt and sweeping it away only moves dust from one spot to another. What will your reply be when I say that I truly fear our country and society are in trouble…even beyond the economic crisis? Will you invalidate my fear? Will you want to sit down and talk about it or will you tell me to “just dance”?
Lately, I have been cutting down the noise. I lay in bed and battle the clarity of the things I think before I sleep. I find the idea of going to a club and engaging in escapist and pseudo-friendly behaviors repugnant. No, I really don’t need to go out and just have a good time. On the contrary, I think people could benefit from staying home and building a relationship with themselves. Or talking with a friend one on one. Modern technology has given us the ability to communicate like never before while at the same time depersonalizing communication. Does anyone else recognize the danger of this? Isn’t it telling that there are no protest songs in the Top 40?
I have witnessed a lot of people moving in the last six months. As the recession casts its gloomy cloud, people are running, some towards the noise and some away from it. I choose to stand still and silently observe.
If I won a beauty pageant, I would not wish for world peace. I would not wish to end world hunger. I would wish for human beings to repress less and express more. I will go first: I am extremely lonely lately. I am confused and uncertain about nearly everything I once held true. I question the validity of art, music, friendship, culture, and love. I have an eerie feeling about the future of our country and our society.
On behalf of anyone expressing fear, sadness, anger, or emotion I ask that you are receptive – not dismissive or condescending. I ask that you don’t make a joke or say something ironic. I’m not laughing right now. I ask that you don’t tell me I’m wrong or that I should feel differently than I do. There is no wrong or right.
2009 is a frightening year. I will say it out loud. And I will also say that my five friends who killed themselves should all still be alive. I am angry and sad that they weren’t brave enough to talk. But unfortunately I understand exactly why they didn’t.
In honor of my friends’ lives I have uninhibitedly expressed myself tonight. And now what I really want to know is…how are you?
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Thank you for your honesty.
i, too, hurt tonight, for the loss of someone i love tremendously. she has not died, and i pray her sickness does not come to that, for her. for today, though, i no longer have the woman i love, and it hurts. she might be back. i just don’t know.
it makes me angry, sad, and scared. i rage. i cuss. i cry. i breathe. i talk. i curl up with my primary partner, whose love continues to amaze me.
i know life will go on. it just hurts really bad right now. and that’s okay. i can ask for the help, support, love, hugs, snuggles, sex, whatever it is i might want to ease me through to the far side.
and, i can say, you are not alone. none of us really are, if we can look up long enough to see it.
Thank you for such a thought-provoking commentary. My best friend and I have been thinking this for a while now. We were sitting in our respective corners of the world and thinking the same thing, “What the hell is happening? Why and how has everything turned to complete shit for so many people we know… and what can we do about it?” She’s very New-Agey and was talking about the perception that there’s a “spiritual numbness” out there. Like I said, she’s all about the crystals and spells… so she’s not preaching a particular belief system. However, I think there’s a validity to the idea that we’re not taking time to look within ourselves and see what we believe and how to use that to affect positive change, for ourselves and others.
I’ve been disseminating a link to this page to everyone I know, and it is touching all of us… gay, straight, those of us who haven’t decided ;-), male, female, American, Canadian, everywhere else. Thank you, Jeremy.
sitting in separate corners
(4 x corners)
bare feet, cold floor, stupid screen
‘no’, and put it aside,
reach for the bottle, drink; the food, eat; the phone, even the worm,
‘no’, and put it aside.
the clay in my back pocket…
the hash you offer up, a complete stranger, (witch), lover to someone, an old friend
on the balcony, steps, roof, street all I can hear, these days, all day: aeroplanes
only aeroplane noise
on everything
in dulwich high up
listening behind the shield we hear the leaves, the wind move inside the coiled shell of our ear and inner ear
we hum like stung bells
we think of those sacred dancing places
the young one dancing, alone
and how
some say
the dancing place
was not the open space we fantasized about together
but the labyrinth
thing with myth
thing with life
every two things are true
Thanks for the thoughtful post.
i found your post doing what i always seem to do lately when i can feel myself getting low, i google for answers. i should be talking to my parents or my friends but like you said, the culture of condescention of emos keeps me silent. two of my closest friends have been depressed for years and have all sorts of valid reasons, so now when i fall down i feel like my reasonless misery isn’t worthy of expression, that i’m just being whiny and not trying hard enough and should just get up and get over it. so this seems to be my next step, i’ll confess my pain to strangers while incognito and my cry for help is silent anyway. i wish it were more socially acceptable to feel anything negative and ask for people to take notice.
it worries me how often while driving i have the urge to swerve into oncoming traffic
i think you are extremely honest and reached out and touched my heart. its 515am in the morning here, i’m sitting on the couch contemplating killing myself (thought about slitting wrists, jumping in east river, stabbing myself, driving a car over a brige….), or running away to teach English to kids in Africa or China. Whatever makes me escape the brutality of my life in NY. I can’t talk to my wife, my father, my closest friends – nobody understands how desperate and bleak my life is and there is no way its going to get better.
I wish you and I could meet to share some negative emotions – might bring a smile. i miss genuine laughter – the only thing i miss the most these days.
thank you all SO much for sharing your thoughts here in the comments. how do i respond without seeming insincere or formulaic? i wish we could all jump on planes and have a good talk and smile about it all.
i want you all to know i’m reading. and will continue to.
“this is how the world ends/
this is how the world ends/
this is how the world ends…”
First off, like every other sensible person, I will take this as an oppurtunity to thank you for wholeheartedly sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. It is through your wisely choosen words that you speak volumes of how I feel personally. It has always been a struggle to put into words my thoughts and feelings without coming off as fradulent and chessy while staying true to my intentions. You have pulled it off, geniusly.
There lurks a loose understanding about what depression is in today’s society. The way to solving it is much more complex, and understanding it is even harder. There is that common misconception that the way to solve such problems and heartache is by getting over it, and believing that in doing so, things will get better. In my case, geniune despair is often written off as your typical teenage angst. My age is often used against me. I am 18 years old and experienced a horrible breakup, and in my contemplating suicide and nearly acting on it, I am tryed as I did last night to explain it to my mother. But if not for the breakup, I would need the help anyway. From since 8 years old due to personal reasons, I’ve suffered from the mental illness. 10 years is a very long time. It’s hard to get help when everyone around you wants to make you feel like a fool for your emotions, as if they are out of the ordinary for the situation and the circumstances.
When I look around me, I see that as the world spins round and round and despite all of the problems that should have everyone up in arms, everyone has this stupid blanket of happiness on them. They get sad, but it’s normal, and they pick themselves back up again, and they are fine. I suppose I am not like the rest of them. I am not sure how I can begin to cope with the breakup and all of my other issues that I had prior. If the treatment fails, I am almost sure to give in on the last bit of hope that I have for myself and commit suicide within the next few months. I was told that with time, it will pass. But, who ever said time heals all wounds have never had this sort thing happen to them. Time makes things more tolerable, but it does not heal.
Thank you Jeremy and everyone who has so far posted with understanding of what you are talking about. I agree with what you say and feel. We live in a country/society that is in constant denial, so no matter how fast and furious we spiral into the black hole of social malaise and economic/political ruin we are complacently told by the experts, gurus and leaders of all ilk that we are either going through a phase, or coming out of one and we will recover, and therefore no need for alarm etc. It appears that to express fear, alarm, sorrow or doubt is revealing of weakness and lack of courage and at times antisocial or even unpatriotic. The word applied to that is loser.
The callousness that we feel around us is just a smoke screen for the dark fear that runs through us all, except that people like us, at least have the courage to recognize it. It is so important to be able to live with the person you are and that you don’t have to follow any model. There is nothing written in stone that says you should be, happy, positive, love your parents, country and rules of comportment. All manner of existence as long as it doesn’t hurt others is valid. A recluse, a misanthrope, curmudgeon, a monk alone on a mountain top, whatever gets you through the night is fine with the Universe. Most of our lives we are told to be positive, grin and bare it, mix, go out and meet people, etc., while in quiet desperation we seek knowledge and that is the last thing our society wants to confront, the truth about anything. Knowledge is power and we are denied that. We search for that on our own.
Strange that we are brought into this world and each one of us has their own unique story that is never replicated and we are forced to accept a formula of one size fits all – road to happiness through our institutions, religion, familial, government, and media etc.
A person is a multifaceted being and to deny any part of us, because it doesn’t conform with what is expected is a loss for the individual and for the health and sanity of the society at large. All of our emotions let us know that we are sentient and receptive to love. And that love starts with the self.
…I feel the same, over few years already, and it is really hard to talk with people about this issue… even your own friends somehow are not expressive enough in this subject… and so it fades…
when it reaches to the point of stronghold of belief factor in human brain, which is capable of letting go some problems/negativity in our minds, what seemingly does not belong to us. (individual, of course and depending on a situation we’re in)
Impossibilism…?
If only we see signs of so called spiritual revolution which actually is occurring right now, in modern cultural phenomena, in art, music, video etc. Artists bring beauty into the world and help us understand the human condition.
But the problem is not gone, it is that aim of every revolution, especially non violent is visible only after some time… and takes lots of time, if impossible, to change the habits of collective consciousness… as consciousness emerges from the operations of the brain… what is again impressed by society…
And which is a hole, what makes me lie to my friends- if to paraphrase the artists. (Sonic Youth in this case)
So we have lot more to think about to make a societal change. Universally.
yes
while working on my thesis, trying to figure a way of how to live (i ended up using camus, foucault and beckett – in the face of the absurd is the only place to stand) I understood that at 3am when we are alone, aching and lonely, we are most related to every other being in this world…
how to connect, how to build links to stop the crumbling…. these questions haunt me…
so I offer my nod, my hugs… the look in the eye that says I know…
I just want you to know I have NEVER come across an opinion article that mirrors my own thoughts so closely. Only difference is now it’s 2010.
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