This post was submitted by Amelie

Back in my younger days, when I was first realizing I was gay, I had a lot of what I can now look back and realize were crushes, but that at the time manifested themselves as a desire to be just like certain women. In particular, older girls or teachers at my school. Like Lizzie, one of the older girls at my school who was one of the star volleyball players and super cool. Or Lauren, who was the quiet, artsy, mysterious one. Or Ms. G., my cool boho-chic English teacher with the awesome square-framed plastic glasses?

It wasn’t limited to people I actually knew, either. As I mentioned in last week’s Friday Staff Survey, Belle from Beauty and the Beast qualified as one of these women. So did Jewel, Sheryl Crow and various Spice Girls. At the time I just thought I wanted to be them, but, upon closer look, it becomes apparent that it was more of a grey area. Did I want to be them, or did I want to do them?

I don’t think this is an uncommon experience for for queer children while they’re growing up, but I also don’t think it’s something that entirely goes away. The idea of lesbian narcissism in dating–when you end up dating a version of yourself–is one I’m familiar with, and is a cousin of the do you want to be her/do her syndrome. When you meet or see an amazing woman in real life or on TV or film, sometimes the lines between sexual attraction and idolization can get blurred.

The ultimate example of this for me is Mary-Louise Parker’s character Amy Gardner on The West Wing. Let me lay out the evidence before you.

1) She’s hot. It’s basic and superficial, but it’s true. There’s something undeniably attractive about Mary-Louise Parker, no matter who she is portraying. See the photo above. To say otherwise would probably be to garner the wrath of the entire lesbian community.

Point goes to: I want to do her.

2) She’s witty. The writers of the West Wing were quite good at writing and they didn’t scrimp on Amy. Check out a sampling of her banter with Josh Lyman (her romantic interest on the show) and tell me you don’t want to be able to banter like that. Ignore the song in the background of the video; it’s the only one I could find.

Point goes to: Both.

3) She has my dream job. Amy Gardner’s resume includes: Issues Director for the National Organization for Women and Political Director of EMILY’s List, along with major positions with other various fictional political organizations.

Point goes to: I want to be her.

See how things turn out even and get all tricky?

After much deliberation and much discussion with various friends and roommates also in the same cunundrum, at the end of the day, I think I’d rather do her. Or, really, marry her. Be her kept lady. Because, as one of my friends once commented when she walked in on me watching Amy Gardner deliver a rather excellent monolgue, “Oh God, I should leave, shouldn’t I? This is like your porn.” And, yeah, it kind of is.

So, what about you, readers? Who, fictional or real, do you have trouble deciding if you want to do her or be her? Or do him or be him?

I have to give a quick thanks to TNG’s Jean for pointing out this would be a great column topic. Thanks Jean!

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