Not Your Average Prom Queen: The Will and Grace Reversal
TV’s Will and Grace is built on the friendship of its title characters, Will Truman and Grace Adler – Will, a gay lawyer who is seeking the perfect man, and Grace, a Jewish interior designer who is…seeking the perfect man.
Audiences love their friendship; a connection that is somewhat married-couple-esque and somewhat sibling rivalry, but never romantic. They share interests in fashion, style and men, and often act as each others beards in the show – Grace needs a stand-in boyfriend, Will is trying to pass for straight, etc. The audience even shares emotional insight into the couple’s past dating relationship when the characters were in college, and how Will’s sexual orientation changed both of their lives. They have a strong connection.
Will and Grace is a helluva good time, and it isn’t the first iteration of this playful situation. It is a fictional version of the real-life super-duo of “Girl and her Best Gay Friend.” I know a lot of girls who’s best friends are gay males, and always felt weird that I’ve never been able to maintain a great friendship with a gay guy. In a GChat conversation with an old friend one morning this week, I think I finally figured out why.
The Girl/Gay Duo stereotypically (and I emphasize that this is a stereotype) relies on a few simple principles: fashion, shopping, cattiness, constant reassurance that the other is bound to find that certain someone, and an interest in sexy men.
As a Queer woman, these principles really don’t interest me that much. I mean, there ain’t nothing wrong with sexy men, and I can gossip and shop with the best of them, but these are not qualities I’m necessarily seeking in friends. My life is already so full of that stuff with me, my female friends and my S.O. I don’t rejoice in meeting a (gay) man who is a good listener, or who is more sensitive than other men in my life because I have enough oversensitivity, talk-about-my-feelings stuff in my romantic relationships with gals.
I find a better Will and Grace companion in the straight guy – It’s not like we bump chests, grab asses, and play swords, but we do order beers (not martinis) and talk about music, movies and adventure (more often than relationships, love and self esteem). We also tend to show up in shorts and sneakers, to not need a whole gaggle of friends to join us everywhere we go, and to almost never hurt each others feelings.
I think that the Male Grace is harder to find, though. It seems straight women are way more keen on having a gay male best friend than most straight guys are to have a Lesbian/Queer best friend. Although I have many awesome friendships with straight guys, almost all of them were forged before I started dating women.
When I think about it, there is actually something less appealing in a television show based on that premise. Although I would LOVE to see more lesbian characters represented on television and in movies, I don’t know if I would watch a show about a Lesbian and her straight best guy friend with the same interest as I watch Will and Grace.
Does the Lesbian/Dude Duo work as well as the Gay Guy/Girl Duo in television? How about in real life?
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Interesting perspective, Jean! I’ve always found the show to be full of stereotypes, yet super entertaining-and I like the spin you took on it! Keep it up!
I have to say, I don’t think that what you’re writing “undoes” Will and Grace at all, it seems to support it. I think that lesbians and gay guys get along fine — I’m a gay man and I have primarily lesbian women friends. The relationship is not based off of “sensitivity” or ordering beers, I have a lot in common with every individual one. We talk about queer issues, yeah, but I think everyone likes dancing, having fun, and talking about things that are important to their lives (as in love, relationships, etc).
On the gay man side of the issue, I hate, with a fiery passion, when a straight girl decides that I’m “going to be her Will, and she’ll be my Grace.” Do you like it when straight men ask you to kiss another girl? Would you like it if a straight guy said you guys just HAD to be friends so it could be the infamous gay girl/straight guy duo? I think we’d all prefer if people hung out with us because of us, not because of what sexual orientation friendship arragment works best.
Amen to the above comment!
I’m starting to think that I posted that in a drunken haze or something, because it’s the exact same situation as mine.
I have a “grace”, as a gay man.
But that “grace” is an amazing lesbian woman. (Redundant? Oh well.)
The point is, we share an almost-married type, sibling rivalry, extremely close relationship. I tell her about guys, she tells me about girls, we fight the “queer fight” together like the power-gay team we are, and both share a ton of similar interests.
I think I also love the relationship, because like you Jean, I dislike friendships that are solely based on “talking about sexy men” or “cattiness and fashion”.
I have some relationships like that with straight girls, but it never leaves me feeling as satisfied as just having a great friend overall. And I have that with straight guys, straight girls (who don’t just want to talk fashion) and lesbian women.
If someone has a Straight Girl/Gay Best Friend duo that works great, that’s awesome. But it’s just not my situation, or others’ situations, so it doesn’t always work out that way for us boys.
Oh, and if someone can teach me how to be best friends with another gay MALE, then I’d love some tips.
You know Jean I don’t really know where your coming from. Are you iplying all Gay men are tv caricatures incapable of substantive relationships?
The Will Truman character is a disgusting stereotype from the minstrel show of modern Gay Culture. Gushing, prancing and aping in “Gay Face”. I am nobody’s Will Truman let alone a “good listener”. Fuck that. Assuming all Gay men are or should be is deeply offensive.
My closest male friends are straight (be sure to attack me like all good “queers” for having straight friends). Why? I don’t have a need for messed up faggots or crazy straight women who can’t deal with themselves. To use your words my friends and I “also tend to show up in shorts and sneakers, to not need a whole gaggle of friends to join us everywhere we go, and to almost never hurt each others feelings.”
Here we go AGAIN. As a perceptibly straight homo I really appreciate Official Gay Culture telling me AGAIN I’m bad or irrelevant or a clown b/c I’m male. But thats ok cuz it’s so comfortable here in the Big Evil Gay Male Box. Jesus.
But “as a Queer woman” you’re better than us ridiculous fags right?
Thanks!
“Are you iplying all Gay men are tv caricatures incapable of substantive relationships?”
I think you might’ve been reading the article with a bit of an agenda already in mind to see that implication, because I really didn’t get that vibe from this piece at all. I think the larger issue is that she doesn’t want a “Will;” she doesn’t just want “a (gay) man who is a good listener, or who is more sensitive than other men in my life” and instead would want a man who acts more stereotypically “straight” (perhaps she should’ve put that word in quotation marks?) And then how that would work as a cultural landmark- like a man and woman having masculinity in common, instead.
I really think you went into this looking for a platform from which to launch your grievances with “Official Gay Culture.”
And as a last note to you, Mark, you certainly don’t do yourself any favors with your mention of “messed up faggots”- I mean, really? That’s wholly unfair (and, why yes, I have been called a “faggot” by other gay men before, and not ironically; and I can tell you that I can’t imagine it feeling any better than being looked down upon for acting “too straight.”)
Though, to be fair, I feel a little uneasy about how you (Jean) talk about being a “Queer woman” like it means you’re above (or something) the principles of “fashion, shopping, cattiness, constant reassurance that the other is bound to find that certain someone.” The transition there leaves a bit of a sour taste, at least to me; I don’t see what being a Queer woman has to do with being uninterested in fashion. I mean, we get it, you’re above the stereotypes of the Will/Grace condition- but then, so are a lot of people, including many gay men (even the effeminate ones.)
“Oh, and if someone can teach me how to be best friends with another gay MALE, then I’d love some tips.”
I can’t tell if you’re serious or not. I have three really close gay guy friends. I think our friendships work for the same reason any good friendship does.
Although I will say it can be harder to start friendships with other gay men because a lot of people assume that if you’re being friendly you’re looking for a hook up.
Regan, I was kind of being tongue in cheek, mainly because I went on about how I had friends in the 3 other demographics (not forgetting bi’s/trans either, I just don’t have any of those friends as well) and then realized that I have no gay male friends, essentially. Or, the few I have are ones that I’ve hooked up with and realized it wouldn’t work out, and those aren’t very close ones.
And Stefan, I also agree with you there, I know lesbians who have impeccable fashion sense.
And I just hate the idea that some lesbian women might have those stereotypes of me as a gay man, for being untrustworthy or not serious enough.
Definite yes. If only straight guys (me included) could get through all of our misconceptions of lesbians, oh yeah, and stop objectifying them, too, we’d make great partners in crime for time to time. Without stereotyping too much, if you’re looking for low key and low maintenance, straight guys are a good place to start.
If we don’t self-segregate, it becomes a simple numbers game. Every gay person would have mostly straight friends, and every straight would have at least a few gay friends. Won’t work that way, because we do have prejudices and it’s natural to seek out folks that we have something in common with. BUT, we should be at a place where any friendship across gender/orientation lines is easily accepted.
We cover this on our blog all the time http://www.gayguystraightguy.com
Let me also say that while many gay men seem to accept and value straight women, there is a perception that real lesbians (not fantasy ones that we create ourselves) judge straight guys pretty harshly. True?
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Hmm, my best friend (as a gay guy) is actually a gay girl. :) By default I tend to gravitate towards girls as buddies, but I love it when they’re also gay.
Our relationships are pretty slacker/bohemian-ish. Fashion for example is something that would very rarely come up (thank god!). I guess, without trying to be stereotypical, that I like their tom-boyishness since I myself am not a stereotypical gay. ;) Then there are the gay male friends…which, oddly enough, I’m not that close with. I do have them, but for some reason we’re not as close as I tend to be with my female friends.
But! I must say that while I (used to) have straight friends as well, I find the fact that they’re not gay a bit jarring. With gay friends everyone knows where the other is coming from, but straight people…hm, not so sure. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being all non-inclusive-like by wanting to be around gay people more. Oh well…
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