This post was submitted by Jean

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Clothing is a part of everyone’s identity – from my grandmother’s classy sage green pantsuits to the Hot Topic cuffs and chains of individuality-seeking teenagers in the Midwestern suburbs. The way we dress and how we present ourselves to the world is about identity, and sometimes we can’t change the way we see ourselves.

To that end, I know a lot of gal-dating-gals who wouldn’t be caught dead in a skirt or dress. There was a point in my life when I thought this was a little outrageous. I remember thinking that these gals should just get over themselves, dress up like everyone else and stop trying to “make a statement.”

I understand now that some women feel like putting on a dress is like wearing a costume – like putting forth someone else’s identity.

In general, this shouldn’t be a huge problem in a gal’s life. Being a “tom-boy,” being masculine, butch or genderqueer might not be challenged (aside from a few stares when you enter a bathroom or when someone calls you Mr.). In most business or semi-formal situations, slacks and a blazer is just as suitable for a woman as it is for a man.

Since “Wedding Season” is squarely and suffocatingly upon us, I’ve been wondering about the wedding etiquette for gender non-conforming dressers. As a guest at a wedding, women are not usually made a spectacle for donning pants. (Although being a gay couple at a straight wedding has its own nuances.) Unfortunately, there’s one situation that might be a challenge for the anti-dress woman – being asked to stand up in said wedding.

For sure, there are plenty of people who would never object to one of their bridesmaids, who is presumably a best friend or close relative, wearing a formal alternative to a dress. But, there are some people, although liberal in their acceptance of their gay friends, whose traditional values and ideas about their perfect wedding do not include a dyke in a tux at the end of their receiving line.

I wondered how other people felt about this topic, so I used the best surveying tool at my disposal, Facebook, to conduct a quick poll. The best thing about Facebook is that my “friends” are made up of a varied composition – the ultra-liberal DC politicals, the old high school conservatives and everyone in between. Facebook provides a rather unbiased selection.

Does a good friend about to be married happily allow a bridesmaid to wear a tux? Does the good friend asked to stand-up in the wedding (who normally shops in the men’s department) just suck it up and wear the dress?

I got 13 responses (below in italics). Most were from women, although I have an equivalent amount of male facebook friends. Many were from married folks who’ve already had their weddings and to whom the question was very hypothetical. The one gay male respondent was pretty clear in his opinion, “Not only would I have no objections, I think I’d relish it.”

Some thought the bridesmaid should bend to tradition…unless she really didn’t want to:

I think that if the girl was a really good friend, which she would be anyway to be a bridesmaid, she’d wear a dress if I really wanted her to. But if she had really strong convictions for wanting to wear a tux and a dress would make her super uncomfortable, I wouldn’t mind.

[If] everyone can’t pick their own [bridesmaid outfit] then I have to say you have to just put this one up to what every other woman puts it up to…just one more dress in the back of your closet that you’ll never wear.

I think I would probably not prefer it, since the pictures would look strange, with all the girls in dresses and someone in a suit/tux…but that being said if the person was incredibly uncomfortable in a dress, than I guess I would be ok with it. But my first thought initially was “oh gosh no, I would hate that”.

First I would be annoyed that everyone wouldn’t match, and then I would insist that the suit or tie match those dresses in color. [As a bride] you’d probably know if [the bridesmaid] wanted to wear a suit, so you’ve got to be okay with it.

I would prefer if they wore a dress and would hope that they would respect my wishes by wearing one for one day…. being said… if they really objected or I knew it was not their style at all I would try to come up with a compromise- like a very girly pantsuit that still fit in with the colors.

To other women, it seems like the comfort or identity of the bridesmaid came far above the traditional practices of a wedding:

I think it would be awesome! If it was a good friend, I would want her to feel comfortable! And if it were reversed, I would do whatever needed to be done so my best friend had the day she imagined…

I would totally allow them to wear a suit/tux instead. I wouldn’t want them to be uncomfortable. I think it’s important to be considerate of people too. If it was MY wedding, I wouldn’t care. At least, I don’t think I would care. I tend to be pretty laidback, but I don’t think it would be a big deal.

Maybe the response is regional. Out in California, these two women didn’t seem to encounter the problem:

One of [bridesmaids] did and it was great. My brother was also a “bridesmaid” so out of my three, only one was in a dress. We all looked fabulous.

First, all my bridesmaids could wear whatever they wanted – I did tell them a color – 2 wore pants. Second, I had a bridesman as well [who] wore a suit.

The answers to a simple question grew more and more complex when the “potential bridesmaids” in question responded: Partners Courtney and Nick had this to say:

Courtney:

If my best friend asked me to wear a dress in her bridesmaid party, I’d do it. I would feel awkward, out of my comfort zone, and creeped out in my own skin, but I’d do it out of respect and love for her. Mostly, I figure it’s her big day, and I wouldn’t want her to be feeling awkward/out of her comfort zone because I insisted on feeling more comfortable. I would, however, ask that I could change into my own style at the reception. I mean, a girl’s gotta compromise on some things, right?

Nick:

I like wearing dresses and skirts and heels. My partner doesn’t. And if I can get her to marry me someday, it would be quite strange on my part to “let” her wear a suit and ask other women not to do so. If it were me being asked, I’d have to change the question to something like–Nick, would you wear Republican campaign swag from head to toe if that was what was expected of you in order to be a bridesmaid for your good friend? And I’d say that while it would hurt my ego, my identity, and my heart, I would probably do it, but I would resent being asked, and I would question the friend who had done so.

My final survey reply was from a person who has actually been in the position of “bridesmaid who didn’t want to wear the dress,” and wouldn’t go back:

A few years ago, a very good friend of mine asked me to be in her wedding party. At that point in my life, I was mostly wearing “men’s” clothing, but I still considered myself primarily female-identified (this is no longer the case). I felt really uncomfortable, which resulted in me looking awkward and fidgety throughout the ceremony. (Also, I’m still convinced that some of the wedding attendees thought that there was a drag queen in the wedding party.) Were a similar situation to arise now, I would definitely not choose to wear a dress. I love my friends and would love to take part in their weddings, but if dressing in a way that so uncomfortably conflicts with my identity is the only way to be involved, then I would have to opt out. That said, any friend who knows me well enough to ask me to be in his/her wedding party also knows me well enough to know not to ask me to wear a dress. I don’t need (or want) a special butched up version of the bridesmaids’ dresses (god help the person who proposes I wear a “tasteful pants suit”); just stick me in a tux and point me down the aisle (stand me on the bride’s side, the groom’s side, or somewhere in between for all I care), and I’ll be one happy queer.

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I think this question can have broader implications about gender identity at weddings, but the bridesmaid dress issue seems to be almost exclusively a lesbian/bio female genderqueer issue. Straight women, even those who don’t normally wear skirts and dresses, might be persuaded for a wedding. Gay men don’t usually object to wearing men’s clothes, as they would be asked to wear in a wedding, and a transman or a transwoman should completely expect to wear the clothing of their gender identity.

Most people in my survey demonstrated acceptance and understanding, but part of me wonders if their traditional values (or those of their families) might intercept them before they got to the altar.

So, for gals who don’t wear dresses, if a friend asked you to wear a dress in her wedding, what would you do? For gals who might be getting married, would you be bothered by a tux-wearing gal in your party?

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