This post was submitted by Summer Camp

What Would Summer Do? is an advice column for TNG readers posted every other Wednesday. Do you have a question for Summer Camp? Send it to her at wwsd@thenewgay.net.

Dear Summer,

Keeping with the kissing theme what do you do when someone is a really bad kisser? I’ve experienced a whole range of sloppy kissing styles that feel more like cave exploration. Can someone re-learn how to kiss? Do you tell the bad kisser or end it? Does it make sense to tell him or her to prevent more bad kisses in the future? How does one go about this?

Sincerely,
Tired of Spelunking

Dear Tired,

Ick! That is really disgusting. There’s nothing worse than kissing someone and ending up with a gallon of their nasty spit in your mouth or a saliva-soaked chin that looks more like you finished an all-you-can-eat lobster buffet than a trip to first base.

But don’t worry, everything’s going to be alright. This is definitely not something to end your relationship over. I’m a proponent of confronting situations head on, so you should tell your sloppy kisser that you’re not content with the way s/he kisses. Good kissing is an art form, but thankfully, it’s a skill that can be learned, and I’m prepared to share my trade secrets with you.

I’m sure some readers are saying, “Summer Camp…you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Saliva is harmless.”

Let’s look at the facts. Though human saliva is composed mostly of water (98-percent), it also includes electrolytes, mucus, and various digestive enzymes. I think most people prefer to get their water from the faucet and their electrolytes from Gatorade. No one likes boogers in their mouth. And as far as the enzymes are concerned, I’d prefer to keep my tongue intact than have the tip of it dissolved by someone’s mouth secretions. Unless you suffer from chronic dehydration or like the sensation of a live eel wriggling around in your mouth, I think we need to discuss how to confront your kissing partner.

It’s important to have this discussion in a neutral environment when you are NOT kissing. When the moment is right, turn to your partner and express the following:

1. That you care about him/her.
2. That you enjoy spending intimate time with him/her.
3. That you get the sense that they care deeply about you.
4. That you interpret his/her “passionate” kissing as a sign of strong physical desire.
5. That you are not a baby bird looking for your next meal of regurgitated worms when you kiss.

Congratulations on a successful confrontation.

Now, it’s time to move on to helping your lover re-learn how to kiss without drowning you or massaging your stomach ulcers with his/her tongue. Mutually satisfying love-making relies on proper feedback. Tell your partner what you like and what you dislike. Make the learning process a sexy game by encouraging your partner to mimic your actions. Kiss your partner the way you want to be kissed. Then ask him/her to perform the same thing on you. Take turns until your lessons pay off. If s/he reverts to the old anteater technique, pinch the tip of his/her tongue between your thumb and forefinger and yank it a couple times. Or if you notice that Niagara Falls has taken up residence in his/her mouth again, toss a cup of kitty litter in it. Eventually, s/he will learn from this type of feedback.

But if your partner persists in treating your make-out sessions like a CPR class, then apply faux herpes sores to your lips and tell them that your mouth is off-limits. There are lots of other uses for a juicy hole and overactive tongue!

Good Luck!
Summer Camp

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