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13 May 2009, 10:00 am 9 Comments

Lolita Wolf: The New Gay Interview

TNG Reader and GWU grad student Chad submitted this interview.

Photo by Ed Jackson

Photo by Ed Jackson

Would you, could you, on a train?
Upside down, or in the rain?
With some rope, on the pope?
Nipple-clipped, or leather whipped?
Could you, would you… two girls, one cup?
Brazilian waxed and handcuffed up?
Could you add a little kink?
No matter what your mom might think?

No, this isn’t Seussical, The Porn-ical, it’s just how I imagine one might open a discussion of kink on Mother’s Day. But if you’re Whole DC, you start with something more along the lines of, “thanks for coming to our seminar on erotic spanking.” That’s quite an icebreaker! In case you haven’t heard, Whole DC is a new organization in the District striving to provide a safe and welcoming space for education in, as well as exploration and enjoyment of, sexuality. Hoping to open a community center in the Fall to realize this goal, founders Holly Fogleboch and Tori Tyree are already hard at work networking a sex-positive community (see recent article in The Blade). And this weekend they enlisted New York based BDSM educator and author, Lolita Wolf, to give the District a good spank in the ass, literally.

Lolita has all the characteristics of a great teacher; vivacious, quick to laughter, earnest and forthright, and possesses a delicate patience. She is the author of two books, one on spanking, another on cock-and-ball torture (CBT); and is a charismatic activist in the BDSM community. Friday, as she drove to DC for her upcoming Whole DC-sponsored seminar, I had the pleasure to discuss with her the role of kink in sex, and in life. For more about Lolita, see the full interview below or check out her blog. (Warning, the blog is definitely not work-appropriate.)

The New Gay: Lolita, how were you introduced to BDSM? Did it resonate with you instantly, or did it take time to develop the enthusiasm for it you hold today?

Lolita Wolf: Growing up I thought that anyone who did BDSM (back then it was just called SM) would die! The only time I saw any reference to it was in the newspapers, and they were all bad stories. That was scary! It wasn’t until a friend of mine jokingly had me listen in on a call to a bondage and domination phone sex line that it finally resonated with me. I listened… and was like oh, my, god [in wonder]. We hung up and I immediately went and called the line myself. As I listened more I thought… wow, these people are funny, and smart, and they sound like nice people. I just listened for a long time, and then I started to talk. And then I met people from there and started going out. And that’s how I found the scene. And I learned that nice people do this, and you can be safe and have fun.

I found people to mentor me. Sure, I was taught a lot of things that I don’t believe in now, but you learn as you go. It took some time, but eventually I found The Eulenspiegel Society (TES) in NY, then the Lesbian Sex Mafia in NY, and I could go to classes and learn. That was very exciting for me, to be able to learn and to meet new people with the same interests.

TNG: What do you enjoy most about the BDSM community? What traits would you like the LGBT community (or just society at large) to learn from the BDSM community?

LW: The BDSM community is like any other community… you can find really great people, and then there are the people you don’t really want to know [laughs]. For me, it’s a place where I fit in. I get out of it, and I put in to it. I have an inner circle of long time friends who I consider my BDSM family.

The number one trait we share is communication… we talk [said in a very 'Coffee Talk with Linda Richman' sort of way]. We talk about what we want, we talk about what our limits are. Actually, the New York Anti-Violence Project once said that our community does more to teach about abuse than any other community. It’s because we have to set what is the difference between SM and abuse. Sometimes it can look the same, and we are very active about educating and exploring the boundaries of consensual sex. I teach a whole class on just building trust and learning to properly communicate with your partner. My class this weekend will touch on that too, it’s not just spanking but discussing your desires and finding fulfillment in your relationships.

TNG: For people who are not initiated into BDSM, is spanking a good place to start? It seems like it could have multiple levels of eroticism, from the very tame to the wildly hot.

LW: [giggling] Wow, that’s like asking if spanking is some sort of gateway drug! Spanking is not just for BDSM people. A lot of people enjoy spanking during foreplay, or sex, and never consider it BDSM. It’s something that is fun, and is of interest to a large group of people. I teach about a 90 minute class covering the basic techniques, the use of spanking combined with role play, and the psychology behind it. I’m going to have a couple of demo bottoms, so there will definitely be a “how to” portion. It is going to be a lot of fun, and there will be plenty of space for people to ask questions. Hopefully after the class you will be informed enough to take spanking to whatever level you feel comfortable.

TNG: Do you have a favorite song to set the mood for spanking? Devo’s ‘Whip It,’ maybe? :)

LW: Hmm, there are so many different moods that can be set with spanking. I’m more of a Madonna’s “Hanky Spanky” girl myself… but I’ve spanked to everything from opera to blue grass… so I can be versatile [chuckles].

TNG: I noticed that you are collecting a list of powerful people you have spanked (the 100 Divas list). While in DC, who would you most like to spank? (for me, it would be Mayor Fenty!)

LW: I have to admit that the 100 Divas list is partly a joke, partly a way for me to cruise. But fantasy-wise, if I could spank anyone in DC, it would be Michele Obama. She’s hot, and intelligent. I would have a really good time spanking her, and then we would cuddle or go for a walk with Bo afterwards [blissfully].

TNG: You’ve authored a book on cock-ball torture? My balls recoil in fear from just the sound of that! What in the hell is that all about?

LW: First of all, it’s not really torture. We use language that embellishes, to fit into the psychology and the role play of the act. But for men, everything is about cock and balls. That’s the center of their body… they always think about it. When someone zeroes in on it, there can be a fear factor… and I like to play with that fear. It takes a very little bit to get a rise out of someone when you play around with this area (tugging, twisting, attaching clamps, etc). I am always gauging the reaction of the person I am playing with, though. Start out slow and light. And a good top should always encourage their bottom to be more vocal about how they are feeling, and what they like!

TNG: What are your thoughts about how to be empowered with being sexually submissive? This is often a big stigma with gay men… everyone wants to be thought of as a top, never a bottom. But also, I think this can play a psychological role in female sexuality as well. There is a quote I love from the erotic writer Anais Nin that says:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

Do you have any advise on how to better take pride in submission?

LW: I have friends who are a gay couple, and both of their families think that their son is the top in the relationship. It cracks me up how society reacts this way [laughing]! Submission is so often confused with weakness, or with being passive. But it doesn’t have to be. I don’t particularly like to hear “you can do whatever you want” in the bedroom. I’d much rather have a partner who knows what they want, and can express that to me. People don’t have strict roles they have to play in the bedroom, or in life, but subordination is a great part of what we can do. For example… you can take a guy, put him in the marines, and teach him to be strong and powerful… but he’s taking orders, obeying, and living as a subordinate. It should be the same for sex. You’re both on the same side, and trying to accomplish the same goal. You both can be just as strong, even though you go about the process differently.

TNG: It takes a lot of moxy to be so vocal about kink and sexual freedom. What drives you to be so candid and indomitable with your sexuality?

LW: Ha ha ha, okay it’s not like one day I just slammed open the closet door one day and jumped out with a cape. It’s really something that happened very gradually. Its kind of like you peak around from behind a corner, you look around and inch your way out, and before you know it you’re up in front of the room. And this isn’t the only facet of my personality. I don’t go home for Thanksgiving and try to teach everyone bondage, that’s just not the appropriate space for that side of myself. I’ve just been doing this for long enough that I have a comfort with it, and most people around me know about my kinks and are supportive.

The first time I taught a class, it was because someone approached me and said you could do this really well. This isn’t my full-time job, I work in printing. I was able to take my sales skills and marry them with the BDSM skills. And now when people come up to me and tell me that a class has improved their sex life, or love life… that is so fulfilling and so exciting, and it keeps me going.

TNG: What do you see as the big contemporary issue facing the sexual freedom movement?

LW: Right now our youth is the hope of the future. This is a generation that is a lot more open and educated about sex, and I love the attitude that they have now! But I still feel like we are mired down by stigmas and all of these “-isms.” I know straight people who have homophobia, but also there are plenty of gay people who have heterophobia. Straight people and LGBT people have issues with bisexuals. Poly people have problems with the swingers. There’s agism, and censorship. People need to be more tolerant! We as marginalized peoples need to band together and fight for everyone who is discriminated against for having an alternative sexuality. I am very passionate about this, and am very active with the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom. This is a great organization that is trying to stand up for sexual freedom and our rights to lead alternative lifestyles, and I encourage your readers to check them out!

TNG: Thank you, Lolita, so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us! It was a real pleasure! :)

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  • Anita Wagner said:

    Well done! Lolita is indeed a great asset to the cause of sexual freedom. I can’t agree more as to our youth being the key to that freedom.

    I also agree that it’s time for members of sexual minority groups who discriminate against other sexual minorities to get over themselves and recognize that when it comes to those from the larger society who oppose that which they fear and don’t understand, they don’t discriminate. They oppose all of us, LGBTQ, kinky, poly, swinger, whatever our alternative sexual identiy and/or practice. We really are all in this together and will accomplish a lot more by supporting each other than by condemning each other.

  • Brian said:

    Lolita, great interview and great job on keeping it on the postive side. I wish there were more people like you willing to be so open and honest about this lifestyle.


  • Holly said:

    This is a GREAT interview, thanks TNG! We had such a great time hosting Lolita and her class was FANTASTIC. We’ll have her back again in the not-too-distant future. Become a fan on Facebook or sign-up for our newsletter on our website & you’ll get all the info on up-coming classes & events.

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