This post was submitted by corey

Start your week with sex… or lack thereof. Delve into the jungle of the newly out and single every Monday morning in Sexual Disorientation.

On Friday evening, the unthinkable happened, something I hadn’t encountered in four years at Georgetown. And yet there it was in black and white: my email inbox was empty. No starred messages to return, no requests for which I needed reminding, no notes left unopened – nothing.

I was set to graduate in just three weeks with my future still very much up in the air. But though I felt more than ever that I needed guidance, I found myself staring for the first time at a totally empty slate.

Things were supposed to have already been settled, since back in the fall when I was accepted into a service organization and told I’d be placed in Denver. But earlier this month they revealed that some of us would be sent elsewhere in the state of Colorado – into the suburbs or to other cities, like Colorado Springs. After pondering this for a few weeks, I emailed them on Friday to present an ultimatum: either I needed a guarantee for Denver itself, or else I would have to leave my position.

As I sat around Friday night feeling restless, I started to think about what was important to me. I had a situation in Colorado that would pay me fairly, give me something valuable to put on my resume, be a great adventure, and allow me to do something decent for the world. So what was the problem? What was I really after? And could I complete the puzzle before the clock ran out?

To put it in context, I had decided on Denver way back in October. At that point, I was just starting to work for TNG and had yet to meet the staff. To be honest, I was feeling bored with DC and alone in my Georgetown apartment. I had very few gay friends, and most of them had very different social lives from what I wanted.

But as I left Georgetown and broadened my horizons, I found a community that I could actually connect with. I found places to hang out and be myself without feeling uncomfortable, unsafe, or insecure.

Since I knew I’d be moving soon and my time in DC was term-limited, every social interaction was one with an expiration date and my dating potential was somewhat limited. But under these circumstances, I learned to appreciate the moments as they came rather than trying to fit everything into my life plan. For someone who normally looks at all roads as leading to Relationship, this meant stepping out of my comfort zone and exploring different possibilities.

The problem is that having come to the moment where I was asked to pack my bags, I wasn’t ready to give up DC easily. As a single and out gay man, having found a community where I feel connected and safe was no small thing. I was willing to take the risk of Denver, where TNG has just launched a satellite group and where the per capita gay population is tenth among U.S. cities. But looking at my new placement options across the state produced a much grimer picture – one of the evangelical capital of the world, long commutes, small towns, and isolation. It might be a fine option for some people, but I simply wasn’t one of them.

What I did want was a balance of community and chaos. Community means having queer people with whom I can relate and socialize freely. Chaos means having excitement, drama, a plurality of possibilities, and – well – some disorientation in life.

It’s this same chaos that often complicates my ability to make decisions; I have a tendency to hide behind complexities and avoid taking charge of my life. But now, when circumstances out of my control forced me into a state of uncertainty, I found myself perfectly capable of handling it. In fact, after four years of all nighters, game time decisions, and constant over-analysis, it’s hard to imagine my collegiate career ending any other way.

And that also makes me prepared for challenging roads ahead. Should I turn Colorado down and stay in DC, it will mean having to struggle to find work, a place to live, and direction for my life. But I know I can make my way through that kind of mess.

What I can’t do is have my future decided for me, against my will and against what I was promised. I can’t live alone in a quiet town or in a city known as the “Evangelical Vatican.” I won’t be forced back into the closet, and I won’t spend my nights at home watching TV and wondering what might have been.

After sending that email on Friday, and suddenly feeling a great wave of silence and unease, I realized that my letter to Denver wasn’t the true ultimatum in this game. It was only the penultimate ultimatum. Yes, I had laid my cards on the table and waited with bated breath for response. But the ultimate decision was still firmly in my hands if I had the will to take it. I didn’t get to choose to be gay, but I do get to chose what kind of community I place myself in, and how to protect my right to be who I am.

While I may not know where I’m going next month, I know where I’m not going. And for now, I can wait.

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