Sexual Disorientation: Out and About
Start your week with sex… or lack thereof. Delve into the jungle of the newly out and single every Monday morning in Sexual Disorientation.
Late Night Blur, Turkish Riviera, 2008
A few months ago, I found myself wandering back and forth from my house to the bus stop for about an hour. My feet started getting tired and I was running out of family members to call up as a means of killing time. Still, I couldn’t find an answer to the biggest question of my week: should I bother going out?
As children, where our realm of control stopped at our front door, we had no power over the subject of leaving our homes. Sometimes we would beg our parents to take us here or there, or let us go meet a friend; sometimes we would kick and scream as they dragged us somewhere we had no interest in going. But as adults we have no curfews, no locked doors, and no oversight. The saying “the world is your oyster” fails to note that some of us lose our taste for seafood.
As I’ve mentioned before, there’s often a lot built into the words we use, and the phrase “going out” is no exception. For the single among us, it often brings up questions like: Will I meet someone tonight? Do I want to meet someone tonight? If I don’t meet someone tonight, is it worth going out at all? And most importantly, what do I really want and how far out on a limb will I climb to get it?
My bus stop back-and-forth that evening led me to choose to go out rather than sit at home, and so I traveled across town to Solly’s for a TNG mixer. I had a good time, but didn’t exactly do a lot of mixing; mostly I stood around and talked to people who I already knew, or stood there and didn’t talk at all. One friend, Kareem, asked me towards the end of the night, “Do you ever meet people at these things?” I thought about it for a moment before answering, “Well, I met you at one of these things.” But that didn’t exactly count because (a) we were introduced by mutual friends and (b) we became each other’s designated sounding board for complaining about not meeting others. Not exactly a shining example of optimal mixer action.
But his question made me realize that when we “go out” as single homos in the big city, we’re looking to do more than meet up with friends; we’re looking to meet people who could be more than that. And it’s an odd mating ritual, indeed. We get dressed up in bright colors, and some among us even paint their faces; we travel out to a designated, dark location in the middle of the night; we consume poisonous elixirs until our vision is blurred and our judgment impaired; and, through the pulsating sound of drums and sirens, we set out on our search for sex.
And for some of us, we search for something else as well. I find that I am never truly satisfied with an evening out – I am always left wanting more. The whole idea of going out and looking for a relationship is maddening to those of us for whom, as Carrie Fisher wrote, “instant gratification doesn’t come fast enough.” A phone number leaves us lacking a date, a date lacking a boy or girlfriend, a significant other lacking any kind of security that it will last… and by the time it’s through, perhaps nothing completes an evening out other than a marriage proposal and impromptu wedding.
Still, as my therapist has urged me to practice mindfulness, and to enjoy experiences rather than worry constantly about the future, I have forced myself to go out with increased frequency as of late. At this point a lot is blurring together – quite a feat considering I never really got drunk – but here is my past week, as I recall it:
- Wednesday I went to an improv club. I spent most of the time before the show talking about sex; most of the time during the show wincing at race and gay jokes; and most of the time afterward thinking that I would never, ever meet someone at an improv club.
- Thursday I went to our mixer at Solly’s. I talked to a bunch of people and caught up with friends. I left alone, missed my bus, and at 1:30 in the morning jogged the few miles home in skinny jeans.
- Friday I went to see Menopause the Musical at the Bethesda Theatre, which was terrific, but not the ideal place to pick up a man. Afterward I met up with a friend in Dupont and we talked until the wee hours of the morning about troubles with relationships.
- Saturday I went to our event in the park and talked about couples with height discrepencies. Then I went out, already exhausted, to DC9 where I drank and smoked and again lamented with friends on being boyfriendless and restless.
One of those nights resulted in a hookup, and I had a lot of fun along the way. However, thinking about it now, I can’t help but be embarrassed at how much men dominate my mind as I head out into the city each evening. Granted, in order to write this column every week, I go out of my way to talk about dating and to hear people’s stories, but that seems like too convenient an excuse. And to say that it’s spring fever or general longing for sex ignores the fact that sex is relatively unimportant to me.
In fact, if what we’re looking for is a relationship, are the nights out simply a distraction? Do we fool around just to fool ourselves? And do we go out to find that special someone, or are we just going out of our way to avoid putting ourselves out there?
Maybe I’m on the wrong track. Maybe it’s all an odds game, a matter of meeting enough people until you find one who works, and so hitting the scene is a productive way of getting this done. Or maybe, for some of us at least, going out is just a way to make excuses – to tell ourselves that we can’t find anyone when the real problem is we’re not ready or willing to open ourselves up. Maybe, in the dim lights of the bars and clubs, we are hiding from the frightening prospect that there are choices to make and people we could be with and the possibility – even in the mythical land of couplehood – that we may still not feel happy or complete.
Yesterday, appropriately for a Sunday, I rested. I did my laundry and cooked hummus. I finally found some decent shorts at H+M. I spent three hours working out in a daze. I wondered if I was ready to be with someone.
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oh god, shorts. i went clothes shopping at a mall a couple weeks ago, and when a clerk asked me what i was looking for i almost exploded in his face “i’ll tell you what i’m NOT looking for. cargo shorts and graphic fucking tee shirts. but that’s all there is at the mall! JESUS!” we’ve lived under the tyranny of cargo shorts for far too long. it’s been like, ten years! is there like, a cargo shorts police force making sure designers only make shorts that fall below the knee, have a bunch of stupid pockets and are either tan or some ridiculous plaid? aren’t we ready for a new shorts paradigm? why is finding shorts so difficult? WHY?
I promised I wouldn’t be condescending Corey, so I hope you don’t take this comment that way, but you’re beginning to worry me! I get the impression that you think a boyfriend will give you something you don’t already have. Maybe it’s my own conceit, but I’m just not sure that happiness can come from other people.
So why not turn the situation on its head? Focus on what you can give to someone else, and then see if the people you meet are receptive to it. That way you’re not left wondering if you’re ready to be with someone; instead you get to figure out if someone is ready to be with you. It’s what I’ve been trying to do lately, at least.
Of course I say this as someone who is still very single, and who, like you, is still out on the search (and occasionally the prowl). No, my new method hasn’t turned up much yet, and it may have even scared off a guy or two. But it sure is a lot less stressful than the old way. And a lot more fun.
Corey, good post, write about the hookup, where did you meet him? and how did it develop and other stuff? :) Look forward to your next post
Where are you shopping Adam, I would never set foot in a store that sold graphic tees or Cargo shorts in bulk. Its called J.Crew, while they do have some cargo shorts the majority aren’t.
well i was at the mall, so what should i expect. but nordstrom, macy’s, even bloomingdales were replete with that frat-boy crap. if i were looking for that i could find my own way to an american eagle and pay a quarter of the price for it, thank you very much bloomingdales.
ewww, I mean that is understandable from Macy’s but Nordstroms and Bloomies are like nice department stores, they are not Neiman’s or Saks but they are fancy. that is disappointing.
I love that we’re talking about shorts while this young man is struggling!
ummmm, he’s not the only one struggling, in case you haven’t noticed. i’ve been wearing the same pair of diesel shorts for about eight years now, hoping against hope that they won’t just fall apart before i can find some sort of suitable replacement.
actually, i’m sorry i co-opted the thread. it’s just that, as one anonymous commenter put it, everything is always so dire around here.
the worst look (especially at bars in the evening!) is shorts and flip flops/canvas shoes. i say down with shorts (cargo or otherwise) if you’re a grown-up.
BOOO, John you are boring. Cargo shorts are unacceptable, but shorts are always in in spring and summer. Obviously you don’t UNDERSTAND anything about preppydom. One of he bastions of Prep is khaki shorts with Blazer and Tie. seriously…
Can somebody PLEASE tell me what kind of shorts I should be wearing now that cargo shorts are apparently out? It’s really hard for me to keep up, what with the indie music and the googles and the “hoody” sweating-shirts the kids like so much nowadays.
Hey, Mike B.
I just found 4 pairs of old slacks in the closet, most of which were bought at thrift stores. I hadn’t worn them in 2 years or so, so I cut them all into shorts of varying lengths. I have my lower-half clothing situation figured out for the summer!
Hm, cutoffs instead of cargoes! I’ve never gotten into wardrobe modification before, but this might be the perfect time.
Oh, and Corey — best cargo shorts post EVER! Keep em coming :)
not a bad idea michael. i’ve done that before but i haven’t been thrifting in a couple years, since living in DC has shifted my wardrobe further into preppydom than it’s ever been before. (you might think differently but you’ll never convince me that dc isn’t by a very large margin, the preppiest city in possibly the whole world. every person who’s ever come to visit me from back home has commented. even my parents!)
and john, i think shorts certainly have a place in adulthood, but unless i’m on vacation somewhere beachy, i generally don’t wear them out at night. just me. don’t even get me started on flip-flops though. please people. stop wearing flip-flops in the city. please.
is it weird if i comment on the article? i like mike b.’s advice–while i was earlier fretting over the same b.s. a friend of mine told me she’s been chilling out and “just focusing on being really awesome.” which i tried and it kind of worked, as i stopped worrying and caring and calmed down.
it took a while–but just being active in the city lets you a bunch of people, and i’ve gotten some attention.
not that it’s for everyone. but mediocre dating sucks and i dont want to be craving it and suffering from it and talking about it all the time.
as for shorts, i like leering at calves so i’m pro it. but the checkered shit is not happening
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