This post was submitted by Summer Camp

What Would Summer Do? is an advice column for TNG readers posted every other Wednesday. Do you have a question for Summer Camp? Send it to her at wwsd@thenewgay.net.

Dear Summer,

When I get drunk enough there is only one thing I want to do: make out with people. Not fuck, not hand jobs, just make out. This often leads to me making an ass of myself in public when I try to kiss people who don’t want to be kissed, or wind up in plain view of the whole bar making out with everyone. How do I curtail myself? Should I curtail myself? Help me!

Sincerely,
Can’t stop kissing

Dear CSK,

Thank you for your letter. Normally people send letters to me via email. How did you get my mailing address? That’s a little stalker-ish, but I did like the way you sealed your letter with pink lipstick kisses.  What is that shade?  Prepubescent Pink? Conjunctivitis Carnation? Smoked Salmon? Whatever it is, j’adore!

Your situation is interesting, but not uncommon. There are many things that people do when they get drunk: overeat while crying, hit loved ones while professing their love, or pass out in public toilets while waiting for anonymous sex. I’ve done all three. But usually when I get wasted, all I want to do is drunk-dial ex-lovers who dumped me, especially the ones who didn’t pay me. I like to tell them silly things like, “I’m outside your house with a loaded gun,” or “I just took a shit in your backyard fucker!”

Compared to all of those tawdry behaviors, kissing random people is pretty G-rated. Actually, it’s kind of sweet.

Because alcohol is involved, your issue could be serious. However, I don’t have enough information to weigh in on a potential drinking problem. I don’t know what “drunk enough” means to you or how often you’re binging and puckering. You might need a second (professional) opinion. [Note: I'm drunk right now, so I would take everything I say with a grain of salt, especially if you like tequilla].

All you want to do is stick your liquor-soaked tongue into the warm, moist, saliva-filled hole that people use for dirty things like eating meat, talking smack, coughing up mucous, rimming poop chutes, and (if you’re bullemic like me) throwing up every meal. That’s not so bad.

I wouldn’t worry about making an ass out of yourself. People do it every day and live to tell others about it. Ass-making moments are the highlights of our memoirs. I assume you’re planning a memoir. Everyone should. And tales of attacking unsuspecting strangers on the dance floor with your sloppy drunk kisses are perfect fodder for page-turning autobiographies.

You should be aware that drunk-kissing is a gateway behavior to more scandalous activities that involve additional bodily secretions. However, for now, you’re probably only at risk for the occasional cold sore, bad case of mono, or a slap in the face. But all of these are easily treated thanks to the marvels of modern science and lipstick.

I don’t think you should curtail yourself. It doesn’t sound like you’re hurting anyone. You don’t mention a significant other who is lurking and fuming in the distance. Just pick up a prescription for Valtrex and kiss away! Maybe you should consider bringing a kissing booth to the bars. You could earn a couple bucks while you’re at it.

xoxo
Summer

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