The work day is almost over. We hope you use your last ounce of concentration to revisit this year-old TNG article. Originally published by Zack on 3/03/2008

Though I’ve posted before on some of my personal insecurities, I’m generally pretty secure about my body. However, once in a while I’ll come across something that shakes this confidence, something so bizarre that I didn’t even realize I should be worried about it. Last night I came across a website advertising products that dye your areola with henna. Thats right: As if there wasn’t enough to worry about these days, like marriage equality or global warming, there is an actual industry in place to capitalize on the age-old human fear that ones nipples aren’t the exact right shade.

It has literally NEVER occurred to me that someone out there in God’s creation would care enough about the color of their ta-tas to chemically alter them. Everyone, male or female, has nipples and usually I think nipples are pretty nice. I remember once in high school two female friends of mine conducted a “pink or brown” survey among some of our classmates to see which color was more predominant, but I don’t believe there was any judgement involved. Has anyone out there ever regretted the color of their own nipple or slept with someone who did?

My questions about this are more logistical than anything else. Would you paint the dye on yourself or have a friend do it? Is there a dunking process, like Easter Eggs? Could a fetishist apply rubberbands to themselves and create tie-dyed nipples?

I mean, human bodies are bizarre and beautiful enough as it is. Lets just leave well enough alone before the nation’s gay boys start buying special sprays that make their dicks match their shoes and belts.

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