The New Gay » Condoms: Why The Hell Aren’t You Wearing Them?

Condoms: Why The Hell Aren’t You Wearing Them?

25 March 2009, 3:00 pm 11 Comments

This post was submitted by zack

Original illustration by Ryan Blomberg (www.ryanblomberg.blogspot.com)

Picture this: It’s the dead of winter and someone walks by you in shorts and a windbreaker, shivering. Or it’s midnight in Adams Morgan and you see some guy on a bike with no helmet and no lights listening to iPod headphones. Someone drives too fast down a side street while texting and blasting their radio. You see them and shake your head, thinking “What a dumbass.”

A couple years ago when one of the cutest boys I’d ever seen begged me to fuck him without a condom. Actually, beg is the wrong word. He pleaded. He whined. He implored me not to use one as if it was simply some seasoning our our sexual entree that he found disagreeable. Condoms, however, are not cilantro and I refused to eat without one. And the next morning I found his blood on my sheets, meaning that if he had listened to me, and I was HIV+, he would’ve been too. What a dumbass.

Why are guys these days getting the idea that it is ever OK to have casual sex without condoms? Growing up in the ’90s , safe sex messages where everywhere. I couldn’t watch TV, read a magazine or even ride The El through Chicago without seeing some visual or audio reminder that condom use wasn’t a choice, it was a public duty. Now? DC was just ranked number one in the country for HIV cases. But what does that mean? An abstract series of numbers will rarely change someone’s heart. What works better is personal responsibility. It is no longer a choice to wear condoms when having sex with someone of an unknown status. You just have to do it.

I was having a conversation with a HIV+ friend of mine. A mother hen for DC’s newly arrived gay youth, he helps kids in need find jobs, rent affordable apartments and connect to social networks. He is also the first person they turn to when they find out that they, too, are positive. This makes him sad. “It is very hard to get HIV,” he said to me. He pointed out that it involves a perfect storm of sexual circumstance: The non-infected has to have unprotected, receptive anal sex. He has to bleed. The infected generally has to be topping, and have a high enough viral load to transmit the infection. The best way to make it not happen is to wear a condom. Period.

I’ve heard a number of excuses: they don’t feel good, they kill the mood, they aren’t necessary. There a million reasons not to wear a condom, but none of them trump the one very important reason to wear one. That one reason is a literal matter of life and death.

I don’t say this to damn or shame those that already have the virus. It’s an odd paradox, but one that I believe in nonetheless. If you have already contracted HIV, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck in all its attendant circumstances. If you don’t have it, though, I’m sure that all those in the former category would gladly do everything possible to make sure you never get it. The best way to do this? I’ll keep saying it. Wear condoms. Tell your friends to wear condoms. Go about your daily life as if this is an act akin to breathing.

But for some people, obviously, it is not. What are the reasons that some of us out there still have unprotected sex? You can sleep with whoever you want as long as you are safe about it. If you do the former, and not the latter, you’re setting yourself up for trouble. No matter if it feels better or you trust the other person or you pull out in time. It is now up to each and everyone of us to do something about this.

Our gay forebears suffered through the living hell of the 80s. They watched their friends die. They fought for health care and government aid and awareness among the general public. For what? So we could become confident and complacent and lose all their lessons?

You have to wear condoms. You can even pick some up for free at the next Homo/sonic. It’s the least we can do. But can we be doing anything else?

A couple years ago, in a separate incident, I told a soon-to-be sexual partner that I was going to grab a condom from my nightstand. He responded “Oh, you’re so responsible” as if I was choosing to put on my seatbelt for a spin around the block or double-lock my door. I would have rather he called me responsible for choosing not to shoot him with a gun or hit him with a car. I wouldn’t consider those lethal acts to be anything less than off-limits in my own moral compass. Condom use should be considered the same way.

11 Comments »

officesupplygeek said:

Good post! (This reminds me of that cover story about bike helmets that was in the Washington City Paper a couple weeks ago). Between the Pope’s recent comments about condoms and the sorry state of sex education in this country, it’s a message that can’t be reiterated enough.

And…. Lifestyles is about to release a new improved line of condoms that will allegedly change sex forever (http://www.lifestyles.com/skyn.php). So… no more excuses.

In related news, today is “Back Up Your Birth Control Day,” which is an effort to promote awareness about Emergency Contraception/Plan B (soon to be available without prescription thanks to a recent court decision in NY). Even though unplanned pregnancy isn’t an issue most of us have to worry about, it’s imperative that options like this receive more media attention. Spread the word!

25 March 2009 at 3:44 pm

BlueSeqPerl said:

I am so glad you wrote this post, Zack.

I would say one thing to contradict you. HIV positive individuals still need to use condoms. There is an old adage: The HIV you get is not the HIV you give.

The virus evolves. If you swap viruses with random strangers, it gives the virus the opportunity to improve its ability to become resistant to drugs and kill you faster. About a year ago, there were stories about “superbug” HIV strains in New York City, which killed people in a few years time after initially getting infected.

Also, even if you top and are negative, wear a condom. You can get infected. It is more difficult to do than being on the receiving end of anal sex, but it is still possible. One of my friends contracted it this way.

Sorry for this rant. Thanks again for posting, Zack.

Remember don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.

25 March 2009 at 4:44 pm

Philip Clark said:

I have been working for the last several years now on a book project, an anthology of poetry by writers who died from AIDS. In the course of working on this book, I have been in touch with hundreds of friends, lovers, and relatives whose lives were deeply, sadly, and irrevocably changed by the loss of their loved ones to AIDS.

I have stirred up painful memories, been the one to inform people that old friends of theirs they lost track of had died, and generally spent the past several years living with ghosts.

If you are not using a condom during sex to help prevent catching and/or spreading HIV/AIDS, please think of the people who love you–and love your sexual partners–and whose lives would be so deeply changed through your actions.

25 March 2009 at 5:44 pm

Richard said:

As a “gay forebear” (I didn’t realize before I read this that I was part of any bear culture!) who lived through the 80s, when many friends contracted HIV before we knew of the virus or how it was spread, I just shudder when I hear about the carelessness of people who are not using condoms. A good number of my friends, like me, are heading into or are already are in our sixties, remaining HIV-negative and (basically) healthy. It’s something that’s really important. Thanks for the article.

26 March 2009 at 7:09 am

golikewater said:

I sympathize with your point of view. I wish that we could take better care of each other, that as a community we could be more concerned with each other’s safety and health. It was inspiring when we came together and saved each other’s lives in the 80s and 90s. But statements like

There a million reasons not to wear a condom, but none of them trump the one very important reason to wear one. That one reason is a literal matter of life and death.

do not help. One of the reasons I think it’s difficult to create a culture of safety is that there is so much sloppy journalism about the facts. AIDS is not a matter of “life and death,” in the way that it was 25 years ago. That message was true then. It’s not true any more. The issue now is more along the lines of, “Don’t smoke, you’ll get cancer,” or “Don’t eat at McDonald’s, you’ll get heart disease and diabetes.” They’re not exact analogies, but they’re closer than the old death sentence analogy. It is a horrible disease to deal with the rest of your life, but in most cases not a death sentence.

I don’t know if it’s possible to create an effective prevention message on the scale of the “condom rule” of the 80s and 90s. People will take risks for pleasure and convenience. They drive their cars fast, they ride their bikes without helmets. This is true especially if the consequences are deferred. People smoke. People eat fast food. People go to rock shows without wearing earplugs.

But I think it’s better to be honest and clear. Scare tactics — like exaggerating the risk — have a limited effectiveness. I think most people are too smart to fall for it, and it makes you less trustworthy in the future, so the message backfires.

26 March 2009 at 8:13 am

Kyle said:

I believe in playing safe. But I wish safer sex educators would at least deal honestly with the truth about condoms – for many of us, they mean the end of sex. Once the damn thing is on, nothing. I can count on one hand the number of times I have successfully maintained an erection in a condom.

What I think we should be extolling rather is the virtues of non-penetrative intimacy. Because AIDS exists, many people either cannot penetrate their partner, or they can only do so at great risk.

26 March 2009 at 9:10 am

Mike B. said:

golikewater: HIV is very much a “life or death” issue. Just because we in the western world (especially we in the middle and upper classes of the western world) have access to life-saving medications does not mean that the rest of the world’s HIV-infected have that same luxury. And even if they did, is it reasonable to risk passing on or getting a disease that is *potentially* fatal? Not to mention the fact that HIV compromises your immune system and puts you at risk for all sorts of other diseases. Come on. Think.

And to everyone else: Thanks Zack for writing this. As a child of the 80s I remember well the AIDS hysteria, and even though I’ve gotten over my unreasonable fears, I proudly maintain my reasonable ones. I.e. if you don’t have safe sex ALL the time, then I won’t have sex with you ever. Of course you can take some liberties once you’re coupled and monogamous (and tested!), but casual barebacking is just plain stupid, whether you’re top or bottom. Not a judgment. Just a fact.

I’m not normally a blame-the-media person, but it doesn’t help that so many porn studios are putting out bareback porn. I think it does a huge disservice to the community and contributes to the attitude that it’s OK: “Hey, if porn actors do it for a living, it must be OK for me.” Of course, if a porn actor gets HIV, when do we ever hear about it? We don’t even know their real names. Besides, we’ve probably already moved on to the next raw muscle top or moany bareback bottom on Xtube.

I think there’s no better indicator of the rise of stupid risk-taking than the fact that I never used to know anybody around my age who was HIV-positive. It always used to be men 10 or 20 years older than me, and used to be a rarity. Rare because they were the survivors — the rest were all dead.

Now it’s not uncommon for me to meet people 10 years *younger* than me who have the virus. Of course I’m glad the ones I come across in my narrow circles are privileged enough to access the medical care that lets them live their lives. But the mere fact that their numbers are growing really disturbs me, since there’s absolutely no reason they should.

26 March 2009 at 10:28 am

golikewater said:

Mike B. – As you say: Come on. Think.

First, I understood Zack’s post to be about American male homosexual culture, not Africa, didn’t you? We all know it’s different in Africa, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

And we “risk passing on or getting a disease that is potentially fatal” every day. E. coli, the flu, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, etc. etc. I don’t know why this is so hard for men of my generation to be honest about. If anything, those of us who survived the pre-antiviral phase of AIDS should be glad that AIDS is a very different diagnosis now than it was then.

And, finally, even though you say it’s not a judgment, calling someone stupid IS a judgment. And it’s not helpful.

26 March 2009 at 1:46 pm

Mike B. said:

golikewater: E. coli? Diabetes? Heart disease? Cancer?! These are not sexually transmitted infections. Some are congenital, some develop due to cumulative causes over a period of years, and some are simply a matter of chance.

However, HIV *can* be contracted through a simple, one-time infection. And we all know how to avoid it. Ignoring those basic safeguards certainly enhances a few minutes of sex, but at the risk of contracting a serious and potentially fatal chronic disease. Which in turn makes that person capable of passing the virus on to another person.

You agree with me that some of us in the West are privileged enough to have access to antiretroviral medications, and imply that that fact somehow makes barebacking more permissible, or ultimately less risky. But what if a potential sex partner doesn’t have access to these tokens of privilege? Maybe an illegal immigrant, or someone unemployed or with a bad health plan. Is it their own hard luck? Or should people who engage in unprotected sex ensure that their partners have decent health insurance just in case?

In other words, you’re saying that barebacking’s OK — if you’re wealthy or privileged enough to afford the possible consequences.

If someone *can’t* afford the possible consequences, then they’ll need to depend on nonprofits or government for their healthcare. While that certainly saves lives, it burdens the entire community when infections happen due to people voluntarily refusing to follow safer sex practices despite knowing exactly how to prevent infections in the first place!

I’m not going to engage in any ad hominem antics here. I’ve already called casual barebacking stupid, and you haven’t said anything so far that’s convinced me to change my mind. But please, try.

26 March 2009 at 3:01 pm

michael said:

For the record, Mike B. didn’t call anyone stupid, he called “casual barebacking” and “risk taking” stupid. There’s a huge difference. And I agree with him, these behaviors are stupid in this day and age. Death sentence or no, I’d rather live my life without HIV in my bloodstream.

26 March 2009 at 3:30 pm

golikewater said:

Mike B. — I’m not trying to convince you that barebacking is ok. I don’t know where you get that idea. Unlike you, I am trying very hard not to judge anyone’s behavior. Sexual behavior is much too complicated for me to feel confident passing judgment on someone else’s behavior. I have enough trouble trying to make sense of my own. I am just trying to participate in a discussion about some of the issues behind the question of condom use. It’s not as simple as you want so badly for it to be.

What is supremely frustrating to me is that any time anyone tries to take a point of view with some nuance or complexity toward this issue (or, god forbid, sympathy toward those who haven’t always been able to USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME), he or she gets painted as a barebacking apologist bug-chaser serial killer.

Why will you not acknowledge that what a person risks by having unprotected sex now is very different from what someone risked by having unprotected sex in, say, 1990? Do you really think the prevention message should be exactly the same when the disease is completely different? How do you justify that?

(For the record, E. coli infection IS an infectious disease, which can be avoided by making simple changes in one’s diet, and we DO know what behaviors to avoid in order to lower the risk of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. Again, I am not saying these diseases are EXACTLY analogous to AIDS — though I have little doubt that you will respond by saying that that IS what I’m saying. I am saying that we knowingly take serious risks with our health every day in the name of pleasure, convenience, stupidity, or whatever you want to call it. I call it living.)

26 March 2009 at 6:43 pm