TNG reader Mike B. submits this poem, the first in a Thursday series. Illustration by Ryan Blomberg.

I asked the wonderful folks at TNG to run this today because it’s just a few days before my birthday, and this poem not only mentions birthdays, it’s also more lighthearted than my last poem to run here. All earnest introspection and no play makes Jack a dull boy, after all.

I wrote this about a real gift shop in a neighborhood I used to live in. I’d ventured in a few times, only to find it completely or nearly empty, and presided over by its glowering lesbian owner whose stern personality seemed comically unsuited to the novelty gift business.

I never could figure out how she kept the store afloat, but after making a few small, uncomfortable purchases over several months, I dashed this off one afternoon, if only to relieve the tension. Just for fun, I tried going for a Lewis Carroll effect with this—an admirer’s clumsy attempt at emulating the master.

Oh, and to the lesbians out there who may be reading this, I just want you to know that I adore you all, and I kid because I love. Please don’t hurt me.

Depressing Lesbian Gift Shop

Depressing lesbian gift shop,
With your depressing lesbian clerk,
Who buys your postmodern knickknacks?
Who braves your shopowner’s smirk?
(Though I did buy a birthday card there once
For this girl who sits by me at work.)

Depressing lesbian gift shop,
Whose narrow dimensions house
A full line of ironic products
For ironic hipsters to browse
Though they never can quite find their wallets
After fondling the salt shaker cows.

Depressing lesbian gift shop,
I really don’t mean to stare,
But I yearn for a lesbian smile
And to make over lesbian hair,
Because the hegemonic oppression of marginalized genders and sexual modalities by the
dominant heteronormative patriarchy
Doesn’t mean that you can’t have some flair.

Depressing lesbian gift shop,
I wish there was some way to flee,
But there’s nobody else in the store
And her eyes keep on following me.
Aha! Over there is the card rack.
Someone’s birthday is soon… Let me see…

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