Home » Rants, Sex
20 February 2009, 7:30 pm 12 Comments

Sex: I Love Boners

TNG co-founder Zack spent some time over Valentines Day reevaluating what inconsequential things he loves. All this week he told you what he came up with.

The most glorious thing happened at my gym yesterday. I was in the group showers and happened to glance over at the wall opposite me. Every showerhead was occupied and every occupant, six in all, was sporting wood. One boner in the group shower can be cause for arousal or disgust. But 6? That is a work of art. I felt like a nature photographer, capturing the rare moment that a whole flock of endangered Lebanese teal flamingoes swooped in unison through a of blood-red sunset.

6 men of different ages, races, heights and builds whose penises curved upwards, downwards, leftwards and rightwards. Some were big, some were small. Some of their owners faced outward as if to say “Don’t act like you’re not impressed… and while you’re at it, can I give you a ride home?” Others faced the wall and held their junk up close to their stomach and radiated every possible body-language phrase for “Oh god don’t look at me make this go away I am so embarrassed why does this have to happen to me whenever I expose my skin to hot water?”

In some bizarre way I felt proud to be gay. So many men, with nothing in common other than who they sleep with, could unite at a place as potentially mundane as a locker room and put on a show worthy of Barnum & Bottom’s 3 Ring Circus. There was no touching and only the most tacit of acknowledgment of what was happening by those involved. But everyone in that shower could see the six white (and black, and hispanic) elephants in the room.

For a brief moment the boner — the most basic element of gay sex— became completely stripped of its context for me. I guess I finally paid attention to Wallace Steven’s The Snowman, because I could look at all that flesh and not think of blowjobs or butt sex or the last time I jerked off. Instead it was the rare moment, like reading a book of tasteful erotic photographs, where the human body became not dirty, and not desired, but just the beautiful, complicated machine that it is.

So there you have it. Five things that I love. Is this a feature you all would be interested in seeing more of?

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  • Mike B. said:

    Zack, what the hell gym do you go to?

    And am I a bad gay for not really wanting to deal with this at the gym?

  • adam isn't here said:

    yes. you are a bad gay. what’s to “deal” with? it’s not like anyone’s trying to slap it in your face. it was a beautiful story.

  • Anonymous said:

    Great series Zack, keep it coming…

  • John said:

    Yes, keep this series alive. Perhaps you have an anecdote about a grey-haired “cute-boy girl” wearing a t-shirt that gave you a boner?

  • Corey said:

    i think its a good counterpoint to my Things I Hate (life-long) series.

  • Mike B. said:

    Oh god adam, I knew it. I *am* a bad gay. Finally, there’s confirmation :)

    I didn’t say it wasn’t a beautiful story. I like boners. A lot. And I don’t care who knows it.

    I’m just saying I get kind of creeped out by gym sex, and public sex in general. Not that I’ve never– but that’s another story altogether.

    Upshot: bad gay.

  • Ed said:

    I like the story, but in person it would make me uncomfortable. It would be cool if it could happen and people view it as a natural thing. I agree with Mike. I think boners are awesome! Call me old-fashioned, but getting boners makes me feel alive and virile. For me they are a sign of good health. If I am sick or about to get sick it’s more difficult to get them. The point of all that being that too often, I have been around men who view them as an invitation for sex.

    I get called a lot of things, but a prude is definately not one of them. Again, if it happened the way Zach described, that would be cool, but, in my experience, next comes slapping hands away, saying no thank you, asking do you mind?, or having to cut my shower short because some guy is in the stall across from me staring me down and stroking himself.

    Men with boner behaving=good
    Men with boners consensually misbehaving=good
    Men assuming your boner is an invitation to misbehave=not my personal preference.

    Love your candor and honesty Zack! Keep ‘em coming (no pun intended ;-P).

  • Ed said:

    Oops! Sorry about the typo ZacK!

  • adam isn't here said:

    i totally understand, i just can’t resist the temptation to be bitchy. that said, i’m willing to bare some awkwardness and discomfort in these situations when i’m NOT feeling it so that i may be granted some leeway in the possibility that in the future there may be a situation where i AM feeling it. if that sentence makes any sense.

  • Randal said:

    Your post reminds me of a scene in “The Swimming-Pool Library” by Alan Hollinghurt–that’s a good thing–only you treat your encounter with more tenderness, even wonder.

  • jimbo said:

    That must have happened at Bally’s. Is that chain still in DC? I’d see that sort of thing every time I went to a Bally’s. You could often slip on a puddle of slippery ejaculate if you weren’t careful.

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