I am running for President. I have chosen DJ Natty Boom as my Vice-Presidential running mate.

Here is a statement from Natty Boom:

Fellow People Who Live in America,

I have excitedly accepted the invitation to join the Ben Carver ticket as Vice President. The time has finally come to have smart, witty and extremely attractive 20/30-somethings as your leaders.

Sen. Obama has had multiple assassination attempts that have been undercovered by our media. In these troubled times, Ben Carver is lucky to have a Black dyke as a running mate. I am running for Vice President strictly to ensure Ben Carver, a Caucasian homosexual, does not get shot. As much as homophobes would hate to have Ben as their leader, they sure as hell don’t want me.

As you’ve read earlier this week, the Carver ticket will be about Change. I’m proud to join this historic ticket as your VP candidate. The changes I will make, however, are more abstract than my running mate’s. Ben talks about “results” and “solutions.” In stark contrast, my platform includes lots of “re-examinations.” Some of my re-examinations are as follows-

Language -
The first term to be re-examined will be “illegal alien.” While the term sounds completely ridiculous, it is used to describe human beings. Sure, one definition of alien is “foreign,” but let’s be real… alien is more widely used to refer to some E.T. type shit.

Political Correct-ness -
In my underrated opinion, PC is pretty much a thesaurus for human resources, public figures and a lot of hetero dudes to present the illusion of giving-a-rat’s-ass-ness about marginalized folks and their experiences/feelings. Conservative extremist, take a cue from the Westboro Baptist Church and let that hate out! That way, you won’t have to wait until you get in the comfort of your bedroom to call the Carver/Boom ticket a buncha fags and dykes. On the other hand, if you come to find yourself valuing diverse safe spaces, feel free to sit down and talk to that “bitch” in your workplace or that “chink” at your school. You may come to find that your words don’t exist in a vacuum. Your words carry a lot of weight.

Black History Month –
At this point, I feel Black History Month says one of two things – 1) Black contributions aren’t important enough to be taught throughout the year as a part of World, US and/or local History. Or, 2) After 80+ years of teaching Black History in February, our education system and values still don’t reflect the diverse history of our country… but we’re just going to keep this Black History Month band-aid on and ignore the bigger issue.

There are many more re-examinations to be re-examined in the Carver/Boom dynasty. Currently, I’ve decided to offer no solutions… just topics worthy of rumination. For an ongoing list of re-examinations, please continually approach me at your local music venue or club. But, only after I’ve had a few beverages.

Lastly, my first act of duty upon election will be to hire a hitman to take out Carver. Did you really think I’d play the token second fiddle in an all white male ensemble?

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