http://d-ash-beams-kaleidoscope-of-musings.blogspot.com/

The only way to figure out what you want in this life is to make mistakes. It’s how we learn. Don’t fall into the trap of attending events only to think you are the only one with no one. Realistically, half of those couples won’t even be together next year. So take all of it with a grain of salt. There will be times in your life that you will be in a relationship and times you won’t be. Lose the idea that success in life is predicated on being in a relationship because if you don’t, I guarantee life will weigh you down.

I personally believe it’s much better for you to have failed at a serious relationship (LTR, marriage or otherwise) because the learning that comes from it is priceless. You don’t know what you want when you are younger and are in the process of maturing. You don’t know what you want when you first come out so glomming on to a boyfriend is probably the last thing you need to do but really the only way to learn about relationships is to be in one so it is a rock/hard place situation. I am now a big believer in shopping around and while I won’t paraphrase that ole song, I have found it to be so very true. So take your time and meet guys and date different types of guys. There is no rush cupcake.

I have a couple of friends who took one step out of the closet (one in his 20s and the other in his early 40s) and 12-13 years later, they are still in the same relationship to this day. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, of course it isn’t, but what have these guys really learned about being gay, out and single and dating and leaving bad relationships, etc.?

My friends are now struggling with never having really lived their life on their own as out gay men. And the struggle is palpable. I used to envy them but at a closer look over these years as I have matured and gathered some life experience, uh, not so much any more. I had no idea how important it was to learn to be single, to be independent and to be comfortable with it. I had no idea that it indeed does take effort to be happy regardless of my relationship status. There is so much more to being gay when the only thing you really know about being gay is being in a relationship. The notion that I HAD to be with someone and I was no one without someone in my life was nothing but a pair of shackles. Essentially, I was in yet another friggin’ closet. So another coming out was in order, this time as a comfortable, adjusted, Cesar Milan-calm-assertive, happy and SINGLE gay man.

It was the best move I ever made. And the only way I got to this place was by making classic mistakes like having dumbass boyfriends and dating guys when I saw red flags the size of Jupiter. Other rookie mistakes I made included clinging on to my neediness and dating guys I had no business dating. The list goes on.

I think it’s important to balance being comfortable, happy and single with a healthy longing of wanting to be with someone. We all want to be with someone but I really do believe that I had to strike more of a balance within my own heart, mind and body and until I did, I damn sure wasn’t gonna be any use in a relationship. Once I found this balance and continue to learn from it, I found that I weather everything so much better. Dating became easier. I made better decisions especially when it came to dating and being in a relationship that is truly rewarding. All of this isn’t easy, not by any means, but I would not have gotten this far had I not made some mistakes along the way.

Some things I have learned and some of my friends have learned:

• Blueseqperl is right on the money. We all have non-negotiables. I’ve ignored deal breakers and paid oh so dearly for it. So if there are things in a guy that you simply don’t want to deal with, pay attention.
• Pay attention to red flags. I can’t really tell you how to do this because once you’ve missed red flags, you will know what I mean.
• Don’t think that gay relationships are like hetero relationships ‘cause I am here to tell you from experience that they ain’t. Not by a long shot. Assimilation and acceptance of gay couples is good but at the end of the day, you will be in a relationship with a man and it will be different.
• Be mindful of men who are irresponsible with money
• I know this may be obvious but stay away from guys who drink too much or do drugs.
• And last but not least, DATE A NICE GUY.

I will put my chair away and get moving here. I’ve rattled on far too long. So Jon keep doing what you are doing and don’t be in a rush. Take it all in and remember that you are also here to enjoy this life regardless of your relationship status. Be well!

My original comment was too dismissive, and I appreciate you taking the time to flesh out the perspectives behind the thought, especially from someone close to those events and living in the immediacy of its unfolding consequences.

Being on the other side of the country at the time I experienced the surrealism bubble out through my television set–even reading back at my thoughts during that time—which caused me to grow increasingly frustrated at the interpretations mass media reduced it to. From its use as justification to clamp down on civil liberties and later transition into a market-beneficial war, my intrinsic reactions were to push out any further encroachment of its broad interpretations into my personal life.

Thinking further on it: I know John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus touched on aspects of the immediate effects on New Yorkers and your personal reality. I never meant to diminish the significance to you and others who suffered the consequence of those events.

Anonymous’ comment though were painted with too broad a brush (“our generation”) for me to easily accept into my personal choices and life.

I agree with BlueSeqPerl , and (I think) Jon’s own personal desires, that point toward my own 4 ½ year monogamous relationship as a product of a longer term re-assimilation of queer/gay and heteronormative life.

I think back to my parents and the dissonance/disruption in their relationship that at the time affected me during and my own childhood.

I have a strong personal feeling that any child/family I develop has to be in a stable environment—as stable any monogamy can produce, hetero or otherwise—and just want to preserve the justifications of my actions for that goal and not driven by a (I feel) media fueled tragedy I can never personally relate myself to due to the disingenuous interpretations of our mainstream media culture.

Again, thank you for those personal revelations. I think those sort of comments are necessary in an over generalized society; a current “society” that restricts the understandings, perspectives, and developments of its individual members.

Though you might not consider yourself an expert, I’d like to hear more of your take on “9/11” and your development as a queer person because of it.

I’d be interested in your thoughts on my post called Dating: Are You Ready.

In it, I discuss being emotionally available and hint on ways to meet like-minded people.

Jon, dating is rough. Instead of searching for the one, you should orient your dating life as a learning experience.
- What worked and what didn’t?
- Why did it not work?
- Would there be anything you would do differently?

I would also stress that no one will ever be everything you want and need. There are flaws in everyone. The question is are they deal breakers. I would list out what you want in a partner, and what deal breakers are. Use this as a guide when you date. Also, realize that your perspective and demands will change.

I have a feeling that you parting yourself out there. I would recommend broadening the venues: volunteer, get involved in other LGBT-friendly activities outside of the bars and internet.

I have been dating a guy for 2 years. I met him through my best gay guy friend at a party.

Dating is rough, and you have my empathy. I also want to say that just because you just came out does not mean you have nothing to bring to the table. If someone dismisses you, then don’t waste your time on them.

Best of luck.

so… not that this makes me an expert or anything and i know i’m opening a big can of worms by taking it here, but i lived in nyc on 9/11 and, from my personal experiences at least, it was an event that caused a lot of folks my age (now in their mid-late 20s) to take stock and re-evaluate… well, everything, including their romantic lives. i was definitely one of those people that in the ensuing weeks found myself thrust into this heavy duty, ptsd-fueled, long term relationship, b/c it just felt like, hey you never know when you’re number’s up, so you might as well find someone you like and commit to being with them and loving them for as long as you’ve got left. i mean the two of us were 19-20 and having serious conversations about lifelong commitments and babies and whatnot. it was actually a bit of a phenomenon. a lot of trend pieces were written about it. and perhaps it was like this in dc? i admit i can’t really speak to that.

of course, seven years removed, i’m on here talking about speed-dating, so it obviously didn’t work out and i’ve learned that I don’t need to be partnered just for the sake of being partnered. but i do get the idea that that the attacks caused a lot of younger folks to think differently about the benefits of long-term romantic entanglements, thus giving the impression that folks are coupling up at younger ages.

of course, that could all be bullshit. what do i know? i just wanted to flesh out anonymous’ thoughts a little, just because a) i think they’re partially valid and b) having been in the epicenter at 19, i’ve always found the rippling effects it’s had on all the aspects of human society endlessly fascinating.

terribly off-topic i know, but i couldn’t resist opening my big mouth. thanks for the support! we’re definitely working on something cool for you guys. l8s!

Don’t let that particular event get you down. Maybe volunteer for other, smaller organizations?

What does September 11, 2001, have to do with any of this?

I have to say though, in the end I support the right of Anonymous on these boards, and in society otherwise… even if it means the right to spout out some random, off handed, non-sequitur comment such as that.

I agreee that dating is awkward in D.C.

But I think it has to do with the history of our “community”–if it can be defined in such terms–much more than the actual goals of its individuals.

You’ll always find exceptions to any norm you try to define or establish. So don’t be discouraged Jon…

I support Rocky’s idea of developing an event around a concept otherwise.

Not that ever stops anyone…which is why first relationships have a chance of lasting something in the range of a salmon swimming upstream with a hydroelectric plant in the way.

Seriously though, you should give some thought to what you’re offering. How out you are and how long are some pretty standard measuring sticks for people when they are dating. Are you out to your family, all your friends, at work etc. become questions many of us haven’t given that much thought to in years because it has been years. This is especially true when the point at which people are coming out is no longer after college, or college, but high school. Lots of people do make a go of it coming into things later, but there’s a lot of truth to the saying “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” If you actually believe in “the one” then he’s not going to evaporate before you find each other.

I agree, dating in DC is hard and you’ve captured the essence of my emotions and, it seems, quite a few others. I don’t know why dating in DC is so rare, but I’m happy for things like Homo/Sonic, Saturgays in the Park, and other off-the-beaten-path events that seem like a good place to meet people.

Also, for anyone interested in seeing video of the Dinner, it will be posted on (shameless promotion) http://www.hrcnationaldinner.org in the next few days.

What? No?

Then don’t support HRC until they do. There are so many better opportunities to volunteer your time and money for in the meantime.

i think most single folks here in dc would agree that dating is hard, especially if you’re not just trying to get your junk wet. and i agree that sometimes it seems like everyone you see is partnered and that can get a little depressing. so… are we all above speed-dating or a singles mixer or something like that?

maybe those options are a little wonky (especially since tng + alcohol seems to be verboten lately), but i’m just trying to think of ways to get like-minded single folks to meet. i mean everybody needs a little (safe, regular, monogamous) lovin’, right?

any thoughts?

On the upside, we got a cute little picture of us taken on our way in the door that ended up in MW. I’m just glad there were no photographers waiting when I hauled his sloppy ass out of there at the end.

As another relationship-oriented young gay male, I share your frustration with finding guys interested in dating. But honestly, if you felt otherwise comfortable with that dinner, you are likely to have certain advantages from the get-go, and five months of dating without finding “the one” doesn’t mean you won’t be one of those happily partnered HRC donors by the time you’re buying your own tickets for the dinner.

Sylvia Rivera (Latino Trans Woman who was key in starting the stonewall riots) on the HRC -
” One of our main goals now is to destroy the Human Rights Campaign, because I’m tired of sitting on the back of the bumper. It’s not even the back of the bus anymore — it’s the back of the bumper. The bitch on wheels is back. “

If you think trans people, especially trans people who are within the queer community, are going to stop reminding you of the bigotry that exists within the queer community, and the damage that HRC has done, you are SORELY mistaken.

Things HRC MUST do to mend its problems with the Trans community-
1. Appologize for not only its actions with regards to ENDA, but its past actions with regards to trans individuals.
2. Solomize resigning.
3. Greater representation in the senior levels of the organization, and on the board, that represents the diversity of the trans community. Not just older and middle aged white trans women that have in of themselves become a stereotype of activists within community. Latino, black, Asian and mixed race trans masculine AND trans feminine folks, and especially ESPECIALLY trans people with gay, lesbian, and bisexual identities. Not just yes folks either, regular critics of the organization on their past regarding their resistance to gender identity and expression language in legislation. The only way to reform is bring in the people calling for reform and make them help change the organization. These changes especially need to be made in the policy formulation, research, and decision making part of the organization.

4. The resignation or even just a simple apology by ANYBODY who supporting the continued policy of oppression and bigotry within the group. If not they should be removed from the organization.

Trans men and Trans Women are sick and tired of the bumper and being under the bus. Until HRC REFORMS they should be REGULARLY criticized and do NOT deserve financial support or recognition of any time.

If you want to support a real queer organization that is supportive of the entire community…Task Force, PFLAG, Lambda, National Center for Lesbian Rights, or ANY organization within United ENDA is worthy. But the support of HRC is the support for the continued bigotry within the community of trans individuals, but also gender non-conforming queer individuals.

Until the organization at the very least apologizes and starts taking steps of acting like the civil rights and human rights organization it pretends to be. Until then, it deserves every bit of criticism that gets thrown at it. Until then, expect to hear continued, and vocal criticism of the organization.