I am running for President. Here are a few more of my cabinet positions, filled by TNG readers Sam Walters, Eli Lieb, and Aaron Clements.

Sam W.
Secretary for the Suppression of Bullshit

I’d like to take a moment to offer my services as your Secretary for the Suppression of Bullshit. All available empirical evidence indicates that I would be an exemplary selection for this post.

This nation has been too long paralyzed by its acceptance of bunk scientific and medical theories and practices. In the name of including everyone’s beliefs, we have allowed opportunistic conmen and misguided idiots alter the political and social landscape through the dissemination of outright bullshit. For our society to continue its progress unfettered by nonsense, I propose that as SSB, I will institute and enforce the following:

1.) Any and all scientific theories or laws presented as true must be proven using empirical means. Examples of acceptable scientific theories and laws are as follows:

a.) Laws of Thermodynamics
b.) Theory of Evolution
c.) Laws of Gravity

Examples of unacceptable “scientific” theories are as follows:

a.) Creationism
b.) String Theory
c.) Geocentrism

All violators of this dictate will be shot in the face on sight.

2.) Physicians and those who purport to be their equivalents will be required to practice evidenced-based medicine. Examples of acceptable practices are as follows:

a.) Percutaneous coronary interventions
b.) Diet and insulin control for diabetes
c.) Psychiatric or psychological therapy

Examples of unacceptable “medical” practices are as follows:

a.) Acupuncture
b.) Chiropractic “medicine”
c.) Anything “herbal” with no proven clinical benefit

All violators of this dictate will be stripped of their licenses, if present, and then shot in the face. Any citizen in possession of “healing crystals” or any variant thereof will be beaten, given a stern lecture, sentenced to a medical education seminar, and then shot in the face.

3.) Sociologists, psychologists, legislators, pundits, and any other individuals with referential power derived from their professions will be responsible for making sure that anything they advocate or use as a basis for decision-making is scientifically validated and accepted. Therefore:

a.) Energy policy and industry activity with regards to energy and pollution will take into account man-made global warming
b.) Schools will be prohibited from teaching abstinence-only sex education, and comprehensive sex education will be mandated for all students
c.) Creationism or any other religious bullshit will be banned from classrooms and museums
d.) The “more guns means less crime” argument will be considered unacceptable under any circumstances

All violators of this dictate will be given the opportunity to publicly repudiate their own actions, or if unwilling, compelled to. After admitting their mistake, they will be shot in the face, with the exception of violators of D., who will pursued through the Appalachians by bow hunters, until they are shot in the face with an arrow, or eaten by local wildlife or locals.

These are only a few of the grand aspirations I hold for moving this country forward scientifically, medically, and socially, through the energetic and uncompromising elimination of any and all bullshit. We can once again be leaders in science and engineering, have the healthiest nation on the planet, and no longer be screwed by bullshit social theories and agendas that have no basis in reality. I will usher in a golden age for American intellect and reason.

If you should decide that I am not the right individual for this position, I will understand completely. I will continue to support your campaign regardless, until you are shot in the face, which without my presence in your cabinet, may happen sooner than you think.

Ben’s note: Ultimately, I will be the decider, and I decide to not let Secretary Sam W. shoot anyone in the face.

Eli Lieb
Secretary of Sustainable Living

Growing up in Iowa, i was surrounded by the ways of the farm and its lifestyle. To add a little diversity to that, i was simultaneously raised in a meditation community of progressive minded people. My town of Fairfield, Iowa is the center of the Transcendental Meditation community (think Beatles with that indian guru, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, circa 1970′s). I know what you’re thinking, but no, we don’t have kool-aid there. What we do have is organic fruit juice. Anything organic, for that matter. Being part of a community mainly focused on spirituality and the inner Self, a large byproduct of this culture is green, sustainable, and organic living. We have entire neighborhoods that are off the grid. Organic shops, markets, health stores, restaurants, and an abundance of organic greenhouses full of the best tasting vegetables I have ever had.

I now live in New York City but go home to Iowa frequently, and I love it there. Not necessarily for Iowa itself, but for the way of life I live when I am there. It’s very simple but not in a poh-dunk kind of way. This past summer i was in Iowa for a few months, and one day there was a black out. it lasted for a whole day, but I’ve never been happier. It was amazing to see how nothing changed at all (except that we used candles for light, which i personally loved). We picked fresh organic vegetables from my brothers garden, had the family over, and cooked a big delicious meal based on only what the ground provided us. It was amazing seeing how life can be when you focus on simplicity and self-sufficience. A black out is nothing. I was in New York City on September 11th and have seen what happens to a major city during a time of crisis. It made me hope that if there is ever a large scale catastrophe on our soil again, that i would be in Fairfield, Iowa, where the soil is clean, organic, and sustainable.

Everyone knows that everything in life is cyclical. I feel that the cycle we are entering into now demands that we revert to what our ancestors did many, many years ago—to live in harmony with nature. Granted we will be listening to our iPods and talking on our cell phones while riding a hoverboard, but we can still be more “one” with nature. We need to create sustainable energy, healthier ways of feeding ourselves, and a new way of thinking about living. If you vote Carver into office, I assure you that as Secretary of Sustainable Living, I will use all of my expertise to make sure that we are being powered by only what nature provides us, and that you will eat the tastiest, most organic food around.

Eli Lieb

You can listen to Eli’s music here, on his myspace page.

Aaron Clements
Secretary of Music Education

The world is in a state of panic over the decision facing us next week in the United States. With Ben throwing his name into the hat as our next President of the United States, we have a chance to redefine the way Americans are perceived domestically and internationally. One of the most important ways we can do this is to include a cabinet position for music education that would make sure the world is incorporated to an extent in its only universal language.

This extension of our government would charge itself with the advancement of existing programs in education and the creation of new paths for funding. Specifically, the opportunity for music education would be made a subsidy of the government and would apply to all age groups and industries. Efforts to forge similar international efforts with our current and developing diplomatic relationships would be a key method in securing the future of music as a whole in our country.

No longer would children be forced to purchase their own musical instruments of choice in cases where programs are not available. No longer would anyone be denied the proper education in music theory due to overcrowded courses or the strained bandwidth of underpaid instructors. No longer will struggling artists be denied their chance at being heard. Nno longer will we be commercially limited in our scope due to the efforts of predatory marketing. And no longer will anyone ever be made to believe that they cannot be trained to sing.

More advanced initiatives would be taken to encourage the various music genome projects and genre-based internet radio services who constantly strive for support from their equally broke or financially strained listeners. The world of digital rights management would go under extreme re-evaluation to determine whether its existence in a new administration or world economy would be necessary. (I mean, for serious, people…do you know how hard it is sometimes to get an international import remix of that track you heard while talking to someone on the phone without having them rip it for you and send it via gMail? Can’t we make it easier to find the music we didn’t know we loved already?)

The limitations of our overly generalized commercial categories and genres on purchasing services would also be overhauled. We all know that an album can be blanketly labeled Pop/Rock when it should really be taken apart track for track in a more specific fashion. Esthero’s first album may have been Trip-Hop and Lounge on the majority…but there are two sections that should be labeled Drum & Bass without question. Isn’t it a shame that Drum & Bass fans might miss this if they didn’t see the proper label? How much music aren’t you hearing because of its presentation or marketing approach?

With this new push on education, who’s to say we won’t create a few brand new ways to produce, listen, appreciate…or love music as a result? Our regulartory committees would not rest until they determined the best way to help the American people use music the way it was intended to be used – as a method of more broad and universal communication. Such a thing that transcends language and racial barriers should no longer be so neglected and abused, but encouraged to flourish in the hearts and minds of our children…and our adults.

It’s time for America, and the world, to unite on a front to save and nurture our appreciation for something that is simply innate and vital to their very existence. Vote for Ben next week and support my confidence in him to support such a department.

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