Ben is running for President. Here’s how I’m helping out.

From:
Zack Rosen
Secretary of Human Decency, Public Nudity & ELO

When going into any time of political change, a person must ask themselves some serious questions. Questions like “How can I make people treat each other better?” and “Why is everyone so buttoned up these days?” Questions like “Sweet talkin’ woman: Where did you go?” I’ve thought long, thick and hard about these questions and have determined that my three favorite things are woefully missing from the average American’s daily lives. If Ben Carver is elected president, I, Zack Rosen, will do my best to ensure that Human Decency, Public Nudity and less-embarrassing singles of the Electric Light Orchestra again become synonymous with the glory of the USA.

How will I do this? How will I restore being nice, dick/titty flashing and Livin’ Thing to their rightful place alongside baseball and apple pie? It won’t be easy (and it might not be necessary) but goddamnit, I have a plan. My campaign platform will be three-tiered. It will look like this:

Step 1: Niceliness is Next to Godliness (and God is friendly, just like me.)

The first initiative will involve breaking down the self-made walls that exist between people. Then, we may all be less frightened of getting to know each other. The first step in this will be tax breaks for individuals that go about their daily lives wearing nametags. Imagine how much more polite everyone will be. If someone is standing in front of you on the metro escalator when they should be walking, you would normally say “get the hell out of my way, sir.” With more civilians in nametags, you can now say “Get the hell out of my way, Richard.” Even beyond interactions with strangers, the nametags will eliminate much of the tension that comes with reintroducing yourself to someone you met at the bars.

Initiative 1-a will be a massive PSA campaign called “Be Nice, Asshole!” Most people who are already nice know it and won’t respond when called an asshole. Most assholes, however, know they are assholes and would be more likely to pay attention. These ads would be broadly distributed in the city’s busses and metro cars. We would hire copywriters to create slogans like “Say Hello if You Know Him,” “Acknowledge Him After You’ve Slept With Him” and “Holding Doors: It’s a Fucking Common Courtesy.”

If enough funding is divested to this serious issue, we might see some change. At the very least, people will stop saying things like “Zack, you are such a nice guy” when I extend the most basic kindnesses to them. Kindnesses, like saying good morning and asking people how they’re doing, that one would ideally extend to inanimate objects if given the chance.

Step 2: The Human Body is a Beautiful Thing. So Show it To Me.
(Alternate platform title: If I said you had a beautiful penis, would you hold it against me?)

I just don’t understand the taboos against public nudity. Though it shouldn’t be practiced at, say, a papal coronation or your own public indecency hearing, a little bit of flesh in unexpected setting can go a long way toward brightening someone else’s day. I myself believe in the therapeutic powers of mooning. If I have a friend who is in a bad mood, I have a little trick that will cheer them up every time. You unbuckle your belt and unzip your pants and start walking ahead of them. Ten steps later your pants will be at your feet and your friend will be chuckling. Or blushing and saying that you’re making a scene. Either way, he’s definitely forgot about whatever was bothering him.

Keeping that fact in mind, my second initiative would be to teach intensive classes on positive body image in school. Imagine how much more confident everyone would be, how much less likely to disrespect themselves or put themselves into bad situations, if they were certain of the fact that their body was beautiful. No one would go on an unhealthy diet. No one would feel miserable because they were five pounds overweight, or sleep with someone just to feel good or attractive.

If this happened, the whole world would be free to proudly expose what they were born with. Naked parties would flourish! Atkins would go out of business! That super-hot brunette at my gym will start using the group showers where I can see him, instead of the individual showers where I have to peer through the little crack in the curtain. Everyone wins!

And if I want to go to a 4th of July party, strip naked and pee on someone in a kiddie pool I wouldn’t have to hear about it for the next 4 months! That’s America!

Step 3: Shoo-wop, Shoobie-doo-doo-wop, Shoo-wop-doo-yeah, yeah, yeah
(Alternate Platform Title: Hold On Tight To Your Songs)

Once people believe in their own bodies, they can move on the the next and final step toward self-actualization: Pride in one’s taste in music. No two people have the same taste in music. There’s not one kind of music that’s “good” or “cool.” Instead, people like what they like and shouldn’t have to apologize for it. Therefore, I’m throwing indie cred to the wind and proclaiming to the world that I love ELO. I love Telephone Line, I love Calling America, I love Turn to Stone. Multiple times in my life I’ve been talked out of a Strange Magic tattoo. The combination of synths and strings gives me a boner. Throw in some multi-tracked vocals and I’d let a drum machine top me.

I want the world to appreciate ELO like I appreciate ELO. I want them to buy bootleg concert DVDs and make out to Mr. Radio. If everyone can drop their pretenses and love what I love, then maybe they can start openly loving the things they love too.

And that, my dear readers, is the nice, naked, falsettoed path to a better tomorrow.

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