I usually think Kathy Griffin to be a riot, but the comedian/pop vulture commentator recently pissed me off. One of the episodes featured her doing standup at a gay resort, and she made a lame joke about gay men adopting babies. Basically, she accused (in a joking-but-not-really) way that gay guys were adopting babies was a trend, and how strange it was for her to see circuit boys carrying around infants like accessories. The joke bombed in front of the audience, and Griffin complained to one of ‘her gays (sycophants)’ that she was actually making a cogent point about the “gaybie” boom. She somehow justified that and her lukewarm stance on gay marriage by saying she thought all babies and marriage were strange. What she didn’t get about her joke is that gay adoption, despite being given the seal of approval the APA and AMA, and being extensively studied and found to be perfectly fine is subject to misinformation, resulting in unjust laws. Gay people are portrayed as being vain, irresponsible and worse. What Griffin also didn’t get is that all gay people are not like the gays she befriends—would be Perez Hiltons. It bothered me because, in spite of being on our side, she seemed to miss the boat. Her ‘gays’ are pets, little magical fairies that titter and giggle at her potty mouth, catty jokes. But we aren’t full, complex people yet—we’re caricatures. All the blather about how she’s against straight marriage is just that—she was married, and it’s not denied to her. Heterosexual privilege in action.

But I think this has to do with a bigger issue. In the past, there have been complaints about programs like Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Queer As Folk—shows that feature gay men being walking stereotypes, or just focusing on the more party boy subculture. I haven’t always agreed with the criticism. I found Will & Grace’s Jack humanized the flamboyant queen archetype. QAF was explicitly about a certain subset–and there’s no reason why that subset’s tale shouldn’t be told. I also think that any true self-acceptance also means recognizing and even celebrating our stereotypes. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Even the most stereotypical person is more than just their surface But stereotypes can dehumanize the Other. It is always upsetting when a supposed ally reveals that their understanding of homosexuality (or race or gender) is stymied by their unintentional bigotry.

Griffin’s faux pas isn’t the only time an ally revealed a deep vein of misunderstanding. “Bathhouse Betty” Bette Midler stated that she was surprised that gays wanted to be married, since all the gays she knew were into multiple partners. It got her into a bit of hot water. At first, I applauded that she was a champion of liberated, outside-the-box thinking, and not believing that monogamy is for everyone. But it was disappointing that her beliefs about gays came from such a dark, benighted place. Even more more shocking was actor Rupert Everett’s recent statement that he didn’t believe in gay adoption, quipping, “Oh God, I could never do that to a child. Can you imagine what it would be like, having your two dads coming to school speech days? And hearing those awful queeny rows while you are trying to get to sleep?” Of course, this reveals his deep seated biases, and as gay people, we are not immune to the sea of misinformation about our own lives.

I suppose that my umbrage at Griffin’s lame joke came at an especially inopportune moment: earlier that day I had received an invitation to a couple’s party celebrating the adoption of their foster children, and I was well aware of the hell and red tape they had to go through to get the children — children that otherwise would have been stranded in the inadequate foster system. I would have thought that an ally would have a bit of a clue about the issues surrounding our lives.