What’s A Not-So-Obvious Gay To Do?
Jon (and his big mutt) recently moved to Shaw from upstate New York
“Mom, Dad… I’m gay.” We’ve all been there, done that. But since I came out to my parents and friends in January, I’ve struggled with the reality that the rest of the world didn’t get the memo. I’m what you might describe as “straight acting,” so unless your gaydar is hypersensitive, you’d probably mistake me for just another breeder.
Not being a dead giveaway can be both a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand, I’m allowed to live and work in the straight world without the burden of homophobic prejudice. On the other hand, anytime I become close to someone, I’m faced with the arduous task of coming out all over again. Which, while certainly not as dramatic as coming out for the first time, is still emotionally taxing… will this person think differently of me now, when is the best time to tell them, yada yada yada.
The whole situation leaves me wondering if I shouldn’t start leaving behind a more obvious trail of breadcrumbs to my sexuality… that way it wouldn’t be such a shock for people when I finally do tell them I’m actually into dudes, not chicks. As a side note, I should mention that I’m a gay male; although I’m sure many lesbians find themselves in the same situation. So… what’s a not-so-obvious gay to do? Should I tack an HRC bumper sticker up in my cubicle at work? Should I discuss my dating life more (including the use of accurate pronouns)?
In many ways my situation comes down to balls (sorry, couldn’t resist). What I mean is that I have to decide whether or not I have the metaphoric balls to let the world know that I’m gay in a consistent and all-inclusive manner. I strongly believe that the best way to advance the acceptance of gays is for gay people to let straight people know that they’re gay. While I have nothing against the stereotypical San Francisco Pride Parade cast of gay characters, for the more sheltered portion of the straight world, our boa-wearing bros all too often serve as the only reference point. As more straight people realize that the neighbors and coworkers who they consider friends are in fact gay too, I think we’ll start seeing more and more support for gay issues. But, all this is far easier to advocate from a general standpoint, than it is to practice in my own everyday life.
I suppose I enjoy the luxury of being able to choose when and with whom I share my sexuality, but I’m not gonna lie, I’m a bit envious of my gay brethren for whom being gay is assumed. Coming out once was hard enough, having to do it every few weeks is just annoying.
Yes, you confusion is a common problem. Do I really need to come out to everyone I meet the moment I meet them?
I like to use the Straight Rule. If a straight girl would say my boyfriend, say my boyfriend. A straight girl wouldn’t say I went to a straight bar this weekend, she would say she went to a bar. Because the process of accepting our sexuality takes time, we gays tend to focus on it whereas other people don’t. If you are looping around in a conversation try just telling the truth. If someone is going to not like you because you are gay, do you really want them to like the facade that you are portraying?
I say that people can know me for two weeks and not know I am gay, but if we become friends they will know. I just don’t see the point of being closeted to some of my friends.
Coming Out is continual process. Once you tell all the people you care about you should worry about all those others who you happen to know.
Welcome to the club, Jon. (I mean that sincerely and affectionately!)
Coming out is not something you do once (unless you’re k.d. lang), it’s something you have to do continuously for the rest of your life, and it can get tedious, annoying, exhausting, infuriating. I think that’s the one big fact of being homosexual that our straight friends don’t ever really understand or sympathize with, how emotionally exhausting that is.
I think when we talk about “safe” spaces, like bars or gay neighborhoods or gay bowling leagues or whatever, it’s not so much the freedom to “act gay” that makes these spaces so appealing. It’s the relief of knowing that you’re surrounded by people who know you’re homosexual, that you’re free from the strain of calibrating disclosure, which we bear every day of our lives (“do they know? do I want them to know? does it matter? how do I tell them? when do I tell them? how are they going to react?”)
i really despise that term “straight acting.” it is usually used as a pejorative term by gay and lesbian people who don’t conform to gender norms to describe gay and lesbian people who do – by no fault of their own – conform to gender norms.
“acting gay” is really code to describe butch lesbians and flamboyant gay men, i.e. individuals who display characteristics not usually displayed by the majority of people of their gender. but really, if you take a step back, what does chopping all of your hair off and wearing masculine-looking outfits have ANYTHING to do with your sexual orientation? not very much. it has to do with your gender expression.
in any event, a femme lesbian is just as “gay acting” as a butch lesbian, because the only thing you have to do to “act gay” (as a lesbian) is to sleep with other women.
If your ex lovers aren’t coming up naturally in conversation, you need to date more interesting people!
Wouldn’t you say that homophobic prejudice is a buren on all of us, gay and straight?
Two more thoughts:
1. I love the term boa-bros.
2. Anonymous commentors usually have nothing interesting to say. But in this thread, I’m wrong.
I hate the term “straight-acting” too. I don’t pretend to be anything I’m not.
For me, it seems like about half the people I meet can tell that I’m gay. I’ve been told that I “come off as straight” (and someone accused me of being straight outside of Cobalt once, the horror!), and others have told me that there’s nothing straight about me. The price I pay for having a deep voice but a high-pitched laugh.
but really, if you take a step back, what does chopping all of your hair off and wearing masculine-looking outfits have ANYTHING to do with your sexual orientation? not very much. it has to do with your gender expression.
They have EVERYTHING to do with each other. Sexual orientation IS gender expression. My sexual attraction to men is just as much inappropriate gender expression (women, not men, are supposed to be attracted to men) as would be my wearing a dress (women, not men, wear dresses).
I don’t understand it when people say that cross-dressing, transexuality, and homosexuality are all different and discrete phenomena. We’re all gender-deviates; we are all transgendered.
I disagree, Steven. I am a man. Me sleeping with men doesn’t make me a woman. It makes me a man who sleeps with men. Sexual orientation and gender expression are two axes on a plane of self-expression.
Are you saying I’m not allowed to take pride in my male-ness because I’m gay?
I also disagree with Steven and agree with Michael. I am a male, with a penis and XY chromosomes, who just happens to be attracted to and sleeps with other males. And I think that gender expression is as fluid a thing as sexual orientation – I’m a total 6 on the Kinsey scale, but as I explained in my previous post *sometimes* I show behaviors that aren’t stereotypically male. I’m still a guy though, even when I’m being campy with my gay friends and we call each other “gurl” – as a joke more than anything.
This discussion reminds me of a conversation I had with a straight female friend a couple of years ago. I was telling her that I don’t believe in gender roles, save for the obvious that only a woman can give birth to a baby. I was shocked when my friend, a very educated and worldly woman, immediately snapped at me and said “You’re WRONG!! We DO have gender roles, those are the basis of society.” I was shocked…. why can’t each person contribute to society in the way he or she is best able to?
Am I enlightened or stupid? You decide……..
The answer is so simple it is difficult: be who you already are. Neither censor nor aggrandize.
The closet, whether you are “in” or “out”, is a means of control. The burden of offense or proof is always on The Gay. Both remaining closeted AND “acting Gay” are equal opposites in a minstrel show designed to control not just our behavior but our ways of seeing ourselves. Moving from closeted Gay to Gay Orthodox is not a transformation but a perpetuation of equal extremes designed to keep Gays conspicuous and reassure heterosexual hegemony. In each case The Gay behaves in a way that accommodates and comforts expectations of straight people. The only way to destroy the closet and its post revelatory control is to stop “acting” altogether: Gay, closeted or otherwise. Be who you already are, who you always have been and assume everyone else knows it. They’ll follow your lead.
All that sounds so easy, right? Not quite. There is a big problem with the idea of the closet and the concept of “coming out”: the Post-Closet Bind. Gays have the continual burden of coming while straight people still get to assume we’re all straight? If we are all coming out into a world of compulsory heterosexuality how is it we are “out” at all? The expectation that we are (and should be) heterosexual is still oppressing us after we come out. It’s time to disabuse heterosexuals of this misguided notion in ways that do not privilege their willful ignorance.
Now that you are “out” do not keep coming out. It is not your responsibility to assuage the guilt and shame of discomfited heterosexuals who can’t handle not knowing. It is now the responsibility of straights to know. Bigoted heterosexuals need to come out of the closet of “compulsory heterosexuality”.
The best way I heard it was on a public access TV church show: “Come out your mess”. I think they only meant once.
I feel the need to stick up for Steven here. I wouldn’t say “we are all transgendered,” because that negates the transgender experience somewhat, and insinuates that I know what it is to be transgender myself, and I have to admit that such knowledge is not mine.
However, everyone who is G, L, B, or T is certainly gender-variant. Steven’s point, as I understand it, is that none of us conform to society’s rigid gender roles 100%, which makes us similar, if not the same.
Re: Steven…
“Sexual orientation IS gender expression.”
“I don’t understand it when people say that cross-dressing, transexuality, and homosexuality are all different and discrete phenomena.”
If I’m understanding you correctly you are saying that because some crossdressers and transexuals are Gay it is all the same thing? Many crossdressers and transexuals are heterosexual. I see a big difference there. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) makes some big distinctions as well.
“I disagree, Steven. I am a man. Me sleeping with men doesn’t make me a woman. It makes me a man who sleeps with men. Sexual orientation and gender expression are two axes on a plane of self-expression.”
thank you.
i really can’t stand the trendy pomo notion that we are all transgendered. that queer/gender theory pablum gets really tiresome.
i am a feminine female who is attracted to other feminine females. although no one will peg me as “gay” based on society’s tendency to conflate and confuse sexual orientation and gender expression/indentity (including queer society, sadly), i am damn gay acting. i bring my girlfriend to important events, and i introduce her as “my girlfriend.”
I’ve said this in so many comments that I’m considering getting it tattooed on my forehead:
The reasons that gay men and women are discriminated against for the exact same reason as gender variant people. While sleeping with men doesn’t make me a woman, it does make me a man who acts against the traditional role of a man. While people can spend as much time as they want separating themselves from their trans brothers and sisters, they will suffer for it in the end. Their struggle and ours have the same roots.
This is not to say that every queer person is automatically transgendered, an unspoken statement that the above anonymous is refuting. It does mean that a lot of people are being short sighted in what it means to be queer.
Some cross dressers and trans folk are gay. Some are not. But they’ll get beaten up for it in the park just the same as we will. They’ll get cat called on the street, just like us. I don’t think it takes a huge leap to see that.
I love men and I love being a man. I’ve never wanted it any other way. I think gender dysphoria is a symptom of subconscious self-loathing. So, stop appeasing heterosexuals. Without homophobic persecution would there be any reason or logic to cross gendered identity?
Agree with Anon #3. Perhaps I suffer from an over exposure to Aristotle, but the whole queer theory/gender deconstruction business really grates on me sometimes – as does pretty much anything ever penned by Michel Foucault.
Would you argue Blacks, Latinos and Asians are all discriminated against for the same reasons? It would be considered racist to collapse their specific needs and communities into one category because they are all subject to racial bigotry. The experience of each group is distinct.
Re: Zack…
I reject your notion of “queer”. I identify as homosexual or MSM. I am neither closeted, conservative nor self-loathing. I love men and that is about it.
God bless the transpeople but they are “brothers” and not my community.
And if someone tries to attack me in the park I will beat the shit out of him.
Sorry, I’m a gay man. I know I’m gay because I love men. I know I’m a man because my browser history tells me so: Use your browser history to estimate your gender
If I’m understanding you correctly you are saying that because some crossdressers and transexuals are Gay it is all the same thing?
You are not understanding me correctly.
Many crossdressers and transexuals are heterosexual. I see a big difference there. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) makes some big distinctions as well.
The DSM is your authority? The DSM is kind of a big mess when it comes to sexuality, isn’t it?
I think what’s behind the “I’m gay but I’m still a real man” school of thought is just misogyny. However, if you’re a man and you’re sucking dick, or you’re a man and you want to get married to another man, you’re doing something that only women are “supposed to” do. You have crossed a line. Trans=cross. You are (or at least your behavior is), by definition, transgender.
There’s also a lot of confusion here, as in the real world, about what “transgender” means. It includes a whole range of experiences and behaviors. To include homosexuality in that range, to me, is just common sense.
I’m not saying anything at all here about the origin or cause of any of these sexual deviations. I’m just suggesting a different way to look at them. The lines between all these categories (transexual, gay, etc.) are arbitrary and permeable, so why do we hold so tightly to them?
(I’m not a fan of Foucault, in fact I’ve never read anything of his that I thought made any sense at all. And my musings here have nothing to do with anything called “queer theory.” I’m just speaking from my experiencs and observations.)
Sorry to be taking up so much space here, but I also wanted to respond to Michael, who said: “Are you saying I’m not allowed to take pride in my male-ness because I’m gay?”
Of course I’m not saying that! What in my previous comment would lead you to believe that I would say that?
How is it are some gender identities acceptable but others are not? Rejecting Gay men who are masculine is equally as wrong as rejecting transpeople who are cross gendered. If gender identity occurs on a spectrum then that entire range of expression is valid.
A lot of Gay men perform an embarrassingly exaggerated and self-conscious masculinity. Gay men are extremely rigid in the roles they perceive for themselves and other men. It is arguably the majority that obsesses about gender, fetishizing masculinity into an abstraction that is mistaken for identity. I get the impression that with those guys what we’re seeing isn’t gender but psychology (overwhelming insecurity). All Gay men, even the “bad” ones, use gender to express who they are, and that changes over time. Is that so different from those we call transgendered?
In general Gay Culture favors the exaggeration of gender: hyper-masculine or demonstrably feminine. There are some unremarkably masculine homosexuals out there occupying the miserable space in between. They are not compelled to “act” out some exaggerated gender display. They have developed so not because they hate women or anyone else but because they understand and are comfortable with who they already are.
Most things I read about sexuality in a “Gay” space ignore biology in favor of cultural and behavioral adaptation. It’d be cool to have a discussion about how (and to what degree) biology (i.e. hormones) actually determines what we are and how we have sex. Testosterone makes men naturally more aggressive. I know this has configured my sexual expression regardless of the gender identity of my partner.
gee, i guess most people in this day and age are “gender variant,” if not conforming to “society’s rigid gender roles” makes a person “gender variant.”
example: working women – straight or gay – must be “gender variant,” because they’re not stuck in the home cooking and cleaning. PLEASE! stop this “gender variant” bullshit already! i agree that some people truly are gender variant (and more power to them), but calling every gay person “gender variant” is just as stupid as calling a woman who takes a job in traditionally male dominated field “gender variant.” it’s just plain silly in 2008.
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