I was having a conversation recently with a friend who had just come from a wedding. My friend, who’s a homo, said he had a horrible time at the festivities. There were a few other factors influencing his frustrating weekend, but he said a large part of his bad mood was that he was helping a friend celebrate a privilege that he himself can’t participate in. With all the buzz in California and the fact that I’m in a long term relationship that seems to be on the fast track to some kind of formal recognition, I can identify with his feelings. I believe that marriage does matter, and I hope someday soon that the political and other institutions will be amended or created to bestow such benefits on me and my whatever-to-be.

In the mean time, I’m faced with a dilemma that involves a wedding, an uncle and the next installment of Homo/Sonic.

My father’s youngest brother is getting married. Yes, he’s in his 50s, and yes, it’s his first wife. As kids, my brothers and I would always ask him why he wasn’t married. He’d reply that he was waiting for “the rich one” and we all got a chuckle. (We never had the courage to ask him why he still lived at home.) When my grandmother died and he continued living in the house he grew up in, I started to really wonder. At times, I thought that he might be gay and deeply in the closet. Other times, I thought he was painfully shy. When his cousin, with whom he’s pretty close, came out of the closet at the age of 50-something a few years ago, I thought my uncle’s own disclosure wasn’t far behind.

Alas, a few years later, I got the news. Uncle Steve is dating someone. A woman. And shortly there after, I learned that they’ve set a date. September 20. I sent in my RSVP card and made hotel arrangements.

Two weeks later, I learn that the best night for the next Homo/Sonic is September 19. Hrm. That’s the night before my uncle’s wedding!!! What’s a good nephew to do?

Part of me feels that I should maintain my original plans: Fly up to the wedding venue on the 19th, participate in all the family rituals, spend a nice weekend in Saratoga Springs, and read all about Homo/Sonic when I get back to DC the following Monday.

Another part of me feels like TNG is the closest thing to a child I’ll have for quite some time (lord knows it takes up enough time and energy!) and our mixers and dance parties are like its birthday parties, where I get to celebrate all of the connections and dialog made possible by this crazy blog/website/party-planning-engine I helped create. And for me to miss out on one of those celebrations… Well, I’d have to be crazy.

So do I help celebrate a marriage (a biased institution in which I cannot myself participate) of a family member, a family I’ve been a part of for the past 35 years? Or do I stay in town and help celebrate this new “family” (if you will) of alternative queer culture that I have been helping bring together? (Or do both, and call in dead on Monday?)

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