Commentary: My Addiction
“I love that bitch, but she’s trying to kill me.”
-Brad Pitt, on smoking.
My alarm is set to public radio. This morning a man’s voice woke me with instructions for stress relief, telling me “inhale with a hum, and exhale with a SHAH!” I’ve been following his advice all day.
On January 1, I quit smoking. It was my new year’s resolution—a decision to achieve optimum health and live a few years longer than my dad could manage on a two-pack a day diet of Pall Malls. I kept this promise to myself until June, when I went camping and decided I was strong enough to have a couple. Or four. I was wrong.
I started smoking when I was 23 years old. I waited that long to try smoking, thinking I had passed the age when anyone could say that I did so due to peer pressure. I lit up with my eyes wide open, a conscious decision made for reasons no deeper than boredom. I began smoking just before leaving Louisiana for DC, and for years convinced myself that I wasn’t addicted, that I could quit at anytime. One smoke a week became two a week. Soon I was buying a pack a week. On good days, I smoke only one cigarette, on my worst days, four. Despite this minimal intake, I have absolutely no doubt that I am an addict.
I do not enjoy cigarettes. I smoke just enough to keep the beast angry. During my lunch break today I shivered in the sun while practicing my alarm clock breathing techniques. I think of a hum as I draw in breath, and audibly exhale with a “SHAH!” I do this over, and over again. My body is in a constant state of withdrawl, thus I’m always on edge, not enough to kill the habit or satisfy it. I don’t recognize my best self while in this state. My chest is clutched. I breathe fast, and my heart skips rope. Drained and jittery, I want nothing more than a strong drag from my prescription of Camel Lights. Yesterday, I skipped the gym—my greatest balm—just so I could get home and pull a cigarette from the pack that sits in the drawer of an end table.
I ask myself why I’m back in the same place I’ve been so often, but I know its because I turned my back on my own nature–the addicted mind can never “have just one.” No matter the distance I put between me and my addiction, I always fall into this same familiar trap, ass first at the bottom of the same pit, eyes locked with the same smiling tiger that waits in the dark. I’m depressed and frustrated. I want to change, for my mental and physical health, my bf, and my goals, but I don’t know how to get there from here.
SHAH!
Here we go again.
Over 40% of gay people smoke—twice the number of straight people.*
*Washington State Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance Study
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Wait a minute, you smoke cigarettes and you smoke pole? Now that’s just excessive.
Oh, it’s not so bad.
Plus, when you’re bored, you can do Rorschach tests using the phlegm you cough into tissues. Great activity for the kids!
I hear you with the “just one” thing. I stopped smoking for 4 months awhile back with the help of a Chantix prescription.
One night after dinner I was with a bunch of friends who smoked, and thought “hey- I’ve been so good, this isn’t a problem anymore!” If only it worked that way.
If anyone is having trouble getting through just the first few weeks of quitting though, Chantix was remarkably effective (at least for me).
Ben…nice pecs. Hell, nice everything.
Damn.
Why are so many faggots addicted to nicotine?
Ben, please quit smoking. Think of your health and longevity and do not beat yourself up over lapses. That is a waste of time and energy. Just keep moving forward.
Your post got me thinking about the nature of dependency in general. Here are some thoughts…
The high rate of substance use among Gays may be, at least in part, attributable to the stresses and pressures generated by a mainstream culture in which Gays are second class citizens. All you need to do is read the posts on this (or any Gay) blog regarding anti-Gay attacks, verbal harassment, coming out pressure, gender insecurity, PDA ambivalence, media bigotry, body image, etc. and you will quickly get the impression there is a lot of tension, insecurity and anger permeating our environment.
Gays live a remarkably high stress life but do not generally recognize that fact. It is only natural we attempt to ameliorate that stress. Many self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, relationships and, yes, even cigarettes.
However, I think there’s more to it: are we guilty of collusion? I do think Gay subculture may also be attributing in part to this tension and those high rates of substance use Ben mentions. Created long ago in opposition to an overt and sustained oppression (that has now receded into stealthy manipulation) Gay Culture today preserves and sustains a system of now outmoded structures and coping mechanisms that do not serve us. Gay (male) Culture in large part consists of men seeking to control their environments: perfect body, home, car, job, boyfriend, dog, vacation, family, friends, etc. Where does the need for perfection come from? Do we really need to prove our worth to each other? If so, why?
With some trepidation I commit heresy:
We need a rigorous discussion of what “Gay” identity and “Gay” culture actually is, how it has never been formed outside of oppression, how damaging it is to sustain such an obsolete subculture and to whose advantage we perpetuate our now irrelevant cooperation. Have we, as a (sub)culture, metastasized to the point of collusion? How do we surpass this plateau and form a Gay Culture that is truly and independently ours (and not a reaction to external coercion)?
Clearly I cannot address this issue with any depth in the space of a comment. There is so much more to this issue than the simple crude sketch I have just thrown down. These are honest questions and concerns. I have raised them here because I feel this is a safe space and the most appropriate forum in which to get some dialogue going. I’m trying to find out if anyone else out there is thinking about any of these things.
…and Ben: quit smoking.
Chantix is the way to go. I smoked for 8 year and finally quit a year ago. You may gain some weight (who knows why it just happens) and Chantix will give you crazy colorful dreams and occasional vertigo. It’s worth any side affect to be free.
The thing that helped me quit was realizing the social impact of my decision to smoke. Every dollar you spend to smoke goes to a giant corporation that often supports a right-wing agenda.
PS Smoking is totally trashy (Love to all my smoking ex-lovers and friends).
Ben43: you should write a full column about this. I vigorously agree with the points you make here, although I think straight people also seek to control their environment in the ways you indicate.
As to your point about gays and addiction: right on. For more about this (and a host of other issues every gay male should read about NOW), everyone should do whatever they have to do to find and read Ian Young’s The Stonewall Experiment: A Gay Psychohistory. Used copies are available and cheap (through amazon.com, abebooks.com, etc.). It is intelligent and readable, one of the most mind-expanding books out there.
Collusion is right. How about that Lizard Lounge queen who wants everyone to smoke?
Anonymous, I love you and loved that comment. Don’t even get me started on Lizard Lounge’s smoking advocacy.
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