The New Gay » Eggs: Over Easy, or Over Hard?

Eggs: Over Easy, or Over Hard?

14 July 2008, 6:00 pm No Comments

After filling my car with gas the other day, I burst into tears. FIFTY SIX DOLLARS to fill my tank!?? I almost drove over to Pennsylvania Avenue to shake my fist at the White House, but the trip alone would waste 25 dollars.

The next morning I heard a PSA on the radio of a soft spoken woman telling me that I can donate LIFE; that women can donate their eggs to a fertility clinic for six to twelve thousand dollars in return. It sounded disturbingly appealing. I could help a fellow gay couple conceive! My financial woes could be solved! “Hmm how much would my half babies cost?” I asked myself, trying to figure out how one would calculate the worth of a bundle of eggs. An hour later, I created an estimate based on my medical history, artistic accomplishments, the fact that I drink light beer, spell my name with an “I, and not a “Y,” and take vitamin C religiously. I added another 5 thousand to that price tag since my eggs are also Jewish.

But of course, the worth of my eggs is not up to me! It is determined by the egg donor clinic depending on a combination of health tests, medical records, the amount of eggs produced, blah blah blah. My highest academic award in 4th grade apparently has no merit. Then there is the procedure itself, which is highly invasive (taking hormone pill/injections, having the eggs surgically removed). Oh, and let’s not forget that an actual child would be born. I could just picture some kid contacting me in 18 years saying I produced his parent’s golden egg. Suddenly my fantasies of eggs-for-money dissipated as certain realities set in, regardless of rising gas prices.

Since this trip down fertility lane, thoughts of eggs and babies plague me. Later in life, I may have to explore fertility clinics when I want children. It’s true that many heterosexual couples have to turn to fertility clinics to conceive, but all gay couples, (not focusing on those who choose to adopt) have to go through an extra cumbersome process to have their “own” children. As the cliché “birds and bees” story progresses, fertility clinics and other agencies make money off of what gay couples cannot “naturally” do with each other. Gay couples have to outsource parts of their body to conceive, to find the “perfect” donor, surrogate, or both hoping that someone else can help create their child. Reconstructing biology is unavoidable in this situation. Plus, there is no guarantee anyone will get pregnant!

While I am ecstatic the family archetype is evolving, this does put greater financial burden on gay couples and raises tremendous physical/emotional issues in the gay community. Britney Spears sneezes and she has a baby while gay couples and gay single parents think about freezing their assets.

Although part of me feels frustrated about the additional financial and medical impedances, another part of me thinks it’s rather beautiful. Beyond the medical/financial aspect, it has such purpose to it. The decision cannot be made by accident: “Honey while we were having sex last night, I accidentally squeegeed some sperm into your uterus.” This purposefulness can create a stronger bond not only between the couple, but often within the community, since many gay men and women turn to their friends and family for help (not in a Bette-Tina almost three way).

The communal bond can also cross cultural boundaries. Literally. Many couples are now “outsourcing” to India for a surrogate mother, partially because of the cheaper surrogacy expenses. A recent New York Times article features this new surrogacy plan. Many Americans view this method as exploitive and susceptible to negative consequences in the future. For this post, I will only focus on the positive: International surrogacy forces an American couple, or person, to immerse themselves in a new country, work with often impoverished women, and develop a bond with people that can benefit everyone involved. The financial benefits for the surrogate are incredible and the child born from an international surrogate mother can educate and create a different kind of familial diversity; a different kind of cultural awareness.

If my kid were born this way, he/she would hear a hell of a lot more than the average “I was in labor for 36 hours” anecdote. More like “I traveled 8,000 miles to India, found another woman with a healthy uterus to birth you, went through an invasive egg-transfer procedure, traveled back to the US, then as your due date approached I went BACK to India to live for a month or so, stayed in the hospital with your surrogate, put my job, financial/emotional stability on hold….and you can’t take out the fucking trash?”

Whatever way a gay couple or gay person chooses to create a family, it is interesting that the extra financial and physical hurdle gay couples endure is evolving into something much greater. For now, I’m keeping my eggs in my oven.

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Leila said:

I’ve been planning on selling my eggs for years but have been too young. I don’t need ‘em, and the money is well worth the extensive preparation and surgery.

Another thing to consider is that if you sell a substantial amount of eggs, it’s likely that menopause would come sooner rather than later.

My intention is to help pay off student loans with the money.

14 July 2008 at 6:25 pm

Anonymous said:

Egg donor/sperm donor addvertisements are also frequently posted on college campuses, hoping to weed out “non-intellegent” folk.

Leila: what about years from now? What if this child wants a relationship with you?

It’s weird that donating eggs has become a more acceptable way for women make fast money compared to stripping or prostitution.

14 July 2008 at 6:58 pm

Tim said:

“Cultural diversity” from surrgoacy is not something I would have thought of. Interesting post.

14 July 2008 at 7:26 pm

Greg Fletcher-Marzullo said:

Is it just because I don’t have eggs that I’m slightly creeped out by the selling of them?

I know I’m not comfortable with making a “donation” to a sperm bank. If the sperm from my body is helping to create a life, I want to know what the deal is and have a part of that life. It’s not just some jizz to be fertilizing eggs willy-nilly.

One of my lesbian friends was absolutely stunned when I said, during a casual conversation, I wouldn’t be willing to be a sperm donor for a lesbian couple and then give up my rights to be involved in the child’s life.

14 July 2008 at 9:00 pm

Rayven, 2x Gestatational Surrogate said:

I always smile when people talking about traditional surrogacy (where the woman carrying donates her own eggs) and egg donating say that the babies are “half” theirs. Um, no, they are totally yours. I do not consider my children “half” mine; they are my children! They were born of one of my eggs, not half of one!

Sorry :)

Also, as far as egg donation goes, most people don’t realize this, but yes, you CAN in fact set your price. There are many independent message boards out there. And things like high IQ and such are very important, and can add on thousands. Also, I’m not sure if you were making a joke, but having Jewish ancestry is also highly sought after, lol.

Just wanted to clear up some stuff! Best wishes. And you’re right…don’t wait too long to start your own family.

14 July 2008 at 10:25 pm

Anonymous said:

Just to pick nits…. Not -all- gay couples, actually. There are gay and bi trans-people, and if the whole “pregnant man” BS didn’t convince you that some trans people are less squicked by their original equipment…

(There actually is a gay couple in Maryland that has done just what I’m suggesting =)

14 July 2008 at 10:26 pm

Leila said:

Anon:
If the child wanted a relationship with me, I’d be hesitant at first, but wouldn’t turn them away. However, I’d prefer not to be involved in the child’s upraising.

Also, I personally think stripping and prostitution are equally legitimate ways to make money.

14 July 2008 at 11:05 pm

A.J. said:

I want a gayby!

15 July 2008 at 12:42 am

Allison said:

anon #2:

I think you raise a really good point.

Are many trans people bothered by the fact that Tom Beatie (the pregnant man) that he identifies himself as a “man.” I think it’s strange that one must be legally recognized as a gender to be considered a “real” person.

15 July 2008 at 2:17 pm

Allison said:

please forgive my typos, above

15 July 2008 at 2:20 pm

Anonymous said:

I’ve done it twice now, and both times have been for heterosexual couples. The last time was about 8 years ago, and I often wonder how the demographic has changed since then – if there are there more LGT couples opting for this method of starting a family

15 July 2008 at 2:31 pm

coach said:

my eggs are too scrambled to be poached! i think regarding reproductive decisions, people are more bothered by media turning it into some sort of scifi freakshow, then by how someone identifies personally, or what they call their family.

a friend is selling her eggs, and it is a hassle, ethically and physically. but so is crushing debt.

15 July 2008 at 2:33 pm

Anonymous said:

(Anon #2 @ Allison)

Myself and the other trans-people I’ve talked to, the consensus seems to be admiration or befuddlement, not disapproval (at least of the “getting pregnant” part… the “media circus” part is more of a toss-up). I think it must take an amazing degree of strength-of-identity, combined with really wanting a kid, to do what he did – I couldn’t do it.

16 July 2008 at 12:43 am

Eggs: Over Easy, or Over Hard?

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