Breaking up is hard to do. But breaking up with your gay gym should not be. Here is my bittersweet tale of mistaken identity, ineptitude, the Collections Department, and at last, sweet freedom, from Results (the Gym).

I enjoyed the gayness of Results. I liked the location. Seeing my friends there was a perk, even when we were uncomfortably semi-nekkid. But I’d been out of town a lot, and was tiring of paying the $83 a month. I was increasingly disillusioned with the fact that my gym had no actual gym, and worse, no pool. And that the better amenities could be had only at the “better” locations. And so I toyed with quitting the gym by putting a 40-day freeze on my account, as vacationing customers are wont to do. We were on a break, Results and I. Or so I thought.

On week two of my trip I lost my debit card, and on week three I received a call from Results. The man on the phone told me they hadn’t been able to charge my card. I told them why, but then explained that I shouldn’t be charged anyway, since we were on a break. He said he saw no record of any alleged break, and had I kept a copy of my freeze form? Of course I hadn’t. I filled it out and handed it to the membership staff as requested. I did not ask if I could run out to Kinko’s to make myself a copy in the event you people could screw up something so simple. Etcetera. Finally I was told that Fernando, the membership director, would be calling me. FINE, I said.

Fernando did not call me, and did not return my calls. When I got back to DC I went down to Results in person, but he was too busy to speak with me. I was told to go home and call. Nothing. The next week I went in and canceled my membership. I was told all was fine.

Two weeks later I received a notice from the Collections Department claiming I owed the gym $192. I was frustrated. I was annoyed. I was worried about the damage to my credit, and I was SO OVER Results. I called the gym twice more, was asked this time if I’d kept a copy of my cancelation form (No!), and I finally figured out, as I was asked yet again if I was the Jennifer Miller on 15th Street, that Results had confused my account with that of another Jennifer Miller.

This Jennifer Miller had had the 40-day freeze placed on her account, and her membership had been cancelled. Mine was in collection. I was told I’d have to talk to the membership director, and I said, that guy will not call me back. No, no, I was told. There was a new guy now.

Amazingly, it was true. The new membership director, one André, was helpful, concerned, and even apologetic. Most importantly, everything was finally cleared up. Too late to get the magic back, but at least I can now remember the good times. Other Jennifer Miller, I hope you enjoyed your two free months.

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