I’m subletting my house, this summer. At first I was a bit wary of returning to communal living, albeit for a short period, but then, yet again, those bohemian pioneers of the Bay Area reminded me that it’s all about establishing healthy boundaries. Please enjoy the following Craigslist ad.

Sublet my room in a sunny Mission apartment!
So this is a special case. I live in a great house with 5 roommates, and all of us are going to be travelling on and off this summer. Everyone is subletting their rooms and for a while I thought I couldn’t, because I share my room with my girlfriend and, well, she’s staying. But she can’t hack the whole rent and I can’t pay my rent AND travel, so I want to sublet you my room anyway . . . with some rules.

The room is fully furnished. We share a really comfy queen-size bed that you will be able to sleep in, as long as you never, ever touch her. Like, seriously never. I’m not going to brag about her ju jitsu, but you seriously don’t want to fuck with her. Or fuck her. She has suggested drawing a line down the middle of the bed. Don’t cross it, metaphorically or literally. She radiates heat while she sleeps so you might want a fan. (I might be able to throw one in.)

Also, I’d appreciate it if you never look on her naked body while she changes clothes in the morning, so you’ll need to go into the closet while she’s dressing. (It’s her room, not yours. But the closet’s pretty big.) You will need to fit into her routine. She’s in bed at 10 and up at 6 to go to work–I usually get up to make her breakfast, so I think she’d really like it if you did too. (She likes rice with a scrambled egg.)

She also sniffles a lot, she has allergies, it can be annoying but you’ll get used to it. Don’t floss in bed or she might kill you. Hates little noises. She might even like it if you let her call you by my name. I mean, you don’t have to, you have your own name, but you two can work it out. Room is $150 plus utilities, dates in July and August are flexible.