Gender Identity: On Manscaping, Manhunt and More (or How to Be a Fag in Three Not-So-Easy Lessons) Part II
This post is the second in a three part series that was submitted by Al, who is a queer transman and fed up observer of local gay culture. Read the first part here.
After mastering cruising, but failing to follow-up, I turned to the one true test of faghood; arguably the most effective way of learning: immersion. Sure, I have been to the bars. I’m not too keen on that scene, in great part because I don’t drink. Unfortunately, at least for the purpose of dating, I’m not in recovery. Shockingly, I simply chose not to consume drugs or alcohol in favor of sugar and caffeine. Reliable sources tell me that all the cute, available guys can be found at gay AA and CMA (crystal meth anonymous). With bar sluts off the menu, where was I to turn? After considering faking addiction in order to hit fake rock bottom and enter the program, I turned to the supposedly safe haven for those too awkward or too lazy for in person encounters – the Internet. I chose to conduct my study on the ever classy manhunt.net. This is where I discovered that the rarest breed of fag may be the kind one.
I began my experiment with a simple profile that bluntly stated that I am trans. One learns quickly that if one only lists the word “trans” they will be interpreted as mtf every time as evidenced by e-mails saying things like “you’ll make a pretty lady.” The initial profile also made it clear that I was looking for someone with a few brain cells that aren’t fighting each other and that I wasn’t looking for anonymous hook-ups. I accompanied my profile with a nice, professionally-taken head shot of myself.
I didn’t receive many responses despite there being several hundred local guys logged on at any given time. When I did get e-mails a few trends emerged. Let’s call the first group “the curious Georges.” Subject lines from these guys include “I’m intrigued” and “I like trannies.” Their one-line emails repeatedly related to my anatomy below the belt. One of my favorites simply asked “how do the hydraulics work?” Sometimes I got all self-important and struck out on an educational mission hoping their interaction with me could teach them a thing or two. Poised atop my soapbox I would attempt to explain that it isn’t that simple. Even when I did manage to break down the truth about trans surgeries I was left at a loss for how to explain that no, I don’t want bottom surgery. I have had top surgery, but I find it interesting that none of these men ever asked about my chest. It is as if breasts are so grotesque to them that they have deleted their possible existence from their minds.
A couple of the Georges did remain interested after I disclosed that, by their standards at least, I don’t have a dick. Some became more persistent. Conventional wisdom would dictate that trannychasers are a good thing. Who doesn’t want to be wanted, right? As my desperation for a date grew, I considered and even hooked up with some of these guys — but there is a fine line between admiration and objectification. I’m out, not stealth, but I still would like to be seen as attractive despite being trans, as opposed to only because of it.
Another interesting phenomenon is the high number of seemingly interested parties who chose to ignore the trans portion of the profile. They’d send a cheesy electronic wink or a quick message and a dialogue would begin (well, when they weren’t too creepy, too old or hideous in which cases I’d never respond). My M.O. developed as such: a few e-mails went back and forth until the guy mentioned meeting in person. At this point I would reiterate that I am ftm checking to see if that was still ok. I didn’t want there to be any surprises and would rather get some of the negotiating out of the way online. Over and over again guys would either write back to say they didn’t know or simply never write back. That’s when I truly realized that people really don’t read those profiles. All they care about is a pretty ass, I mean face. I still can’t tell which are worse, the guys who never respond or the ones who write back saying things like “trans, that’s cool, good for you” and then disappear or act as if manhunt is a merely platonic online tea party.
If the full-disclosure profile was the control, the real test was still to come. Hypothesis – not saying anything about being ftm would result in many more responses to the profile. My hypothesis was proven right away. All I did was drop the line about being trans and like magic a storm of messages came in. Initially I figured why bother to disclose if we weren’t going to meet? I would only reveal I was trans if an actual encounter was alluded to, but over time I decided to just get it over with fast. Tired of wasting energy, I began disclosing in the first response I sent. Sure, the same issues arose that I’d dealt with before, but it was better than getting unsolicited snarky comments or insipid questions. What this did bring on were the comments that I have also heard in person. For instance, someone would send me a wink; I’d follow by responding and telling them I’m trans/ftm, then they’d write back with something like this: “wow, and I thought you were so hot!!!”
With the past tense these guys imply not only that being trans is not ok with them, but that I should be flattered and validated that I not only passed well, but I passed as someone cute enough to catch their eye. What am I supposed to say to that? How about “oh thank you so much Papa Gepeto, I hope your seal of approval makes me a real boy!” Please, I already feel like Frankentranny. You know, a monstrous creation of weird science with scars stretching all the way across my chest that lumbers aimlessly down the street unintentionally scaring innocent, faggot villagers.
Had my entire foray into online cruising only happened to teach me that my aptitude test was wrong? Was it all to teach me that I’m not a fag, but rather a magician? After all, it seems I can make men disappear, even without being in their physical presence!
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Al, I’m not entirely sure what you are looking for in life. If I understand, you are a ftm, top only, with no penis, correct?
You don’t need me to tell you that’s ok.
However, my only thought was this. If you go to a site like manhunt.com, looking for hook ups, chances seem slim.
Because the majority of the people there are in fact, looking for a penis. It’s what they want. The site is designed with that in mind, no excuses about it being just about sex.
If I was on manhunt, looking for a hook up, and I was into giving blow jobs or getting my ass pounded, hooking up with you wouldn’t really full fill what I want, unless you have an amazing collection of dildo’s and really know how to work them.
I think your foray into online cruising and such showed one thing, men want sex. And when they just want sex, there isn’t much room for what they will accept. If they want a penis, they want a penis.
And when a guy wants sex, they aren’t going to spend much time with anyone that doesn’t offer them what they want. They would much rather put energy into getting what they want, so they can get off.
It’s a simple, and sometimes as clinical as that.
Al – I just wanted to say I loved this piece as well as your last one. You’re bringing a much needed and (for me) valued point of view to this site.
Dear Anonymous #1,
Nowhere in either of my posts have I stated if I am a top, bottom, vers or what-have-you. As you made have heard, making assumptions is a very nasty habit. No, it’s none of your business, but I will confess that I do not consider myself a top. Remember that we’re talking about manhunt so that is clearly listed below my profile.
The sexual accoutrements I may or may not own are also none of your business, but the sexual lexicon certainly involves more options that dildos and penises. I “really know how to work” all of them.
I have, since my initial time on such websites, met fags who don’t only want anonymous hookups. Believe it or not, there are guys of all types out there who like to have coffee or something with someone first – even if the resulting encounter is totally no strings attached. Sex can even be a fun way to make new pals.
What your post does is not only offend me a bit, but also reaffirm what I have thought about DC for some time. That DC’s version of “the new gay” (meaning the movement not this blog per se) is San Francisco’s/New York’s/Philly’s version of the old gay. My experiences with gay, cisgendered men in other cities are consistently opposite those I have here with guys like you. I find guys elsewhere to be far more informed about and/or open to learning about gay transguys and yes, I get plenty o’ play then.
Al, no where in my post did I suggest what your preference is. You read into it.
Those were made up examples used to illustrate the OTHER persons goals, that you took as fact about yourself.
If I am on manhunt, and I am looking to suck someones dick, and you don’t have a dick, then I’m not going to get what I want, will I? If I like to get fucked, I’m not going to get what I want will I? No, I won’t.
See the big difference. People who are on such sites aren’t thinking of others, they are thinking of themselves. Perhaps they are into servicing others, but it’s still to fill their need to service.
When you posted that you were a tranny, not that much interest. Take that away, and suddenly a flood of interest, until they found out.
The fact is, you didn’t have what they wanted. A Penis.
Of course there are people that want more then anonymous hook ups. Is that the main function of a site like Manhunt.com? The name alone implies no, this isn’t a site for people looking for LTR, or meaningful relationships.
You are trying to learn about being a gay male? Well, we think with our dicks. All males do. Why do gay men have so much sex?
Because we can, without much guilt or issue. It’s non emotional, it’s quick, and both can go into it knowing that it’s just sex.
No not all men are like this, but at some point, just about every guy will be like this, whether it’s just once with one guy, or a life time of living like that.
Men and their sexual nature have nothing to do with The New Gay, the Old Gay, or even gay.
However, with Gay men, we get to practice this attitude more, because our desire for just sex, is equally reciprocated by the object of our desire.
And when men are like this, even when they are looking to service, it’s still comes down to filling his needs.
And I bet you would have better success on a site that is less geared towards sexual encounters between men, and is more geared towards people meeting in a social context first. And I don’t even mean for people that like trannies and such.
If you want to meet people that aren’t interested mainly in sexual encounters, Manhunt isn’t the ideal site for that.
Ah, when Anon #1 said “top only” he meant “top surgery only.” That was very easy to misconstrue.
I, too, thought he? meant “top vs. bottom” and not “top surgery versus bottom surgery”.
Hope you keep posting, Al
I’m not entirely sure what to think about this post or comment exchange.
I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to have people think of you as ‘less than a man,’ however I’m always weary of making sexual attraction a test of acceptance or enlightenment. Fear of the sexual ‘new’ and the influence of the heterosexual matrix of sexuality & gender are things that, much as we might hope to exist outside these paradigms, nevertheless affect our sexual desires.
I also question whether Manhunt is actually the place to begin when trying to make statements about DC’s brand of New Gay. Manhunt seems to me to be very “old gay” to begin with, no matter the age demographics. That said, manhunt is also for many – perhaps most – a completely sexual, gay space, where profile avatars interact and live out deep desires. To recognize that this space IS a charged political space is one thing – but to call attention to that fact defeats what some see as its purpose – a place where the political – and everything else – is ignored in favor of getting off, ass, and cock. Any experiment looking for anything but that on manhunt – i think – will be sorely disappointed.
All on point, absolutely true and simply fabulous; I love it!
I think the things you are describing in your post, your experiences on manhunt… are in-fact quite universal and trans-specific. We all encounter those who make off the wall comments, or dont respond after one email etc etc etc… part of manhunt being anon./virtual is that it allows you get away with behaving in way that might not be the most courteous… but the reality is that in real life, people are much different…
perhaps you should check out some of the gay bars in DC (maybe Town in not your scene, but how about JR’s or Omaga).. and as you mentioned in you last post, that you dont drink… that def. plays a huge role.. because the “gay culture” unfortunately, has been built around the bar and club scenes… so no wonder you feel out of place… Have you thought about joining gay groups.. that are not just about sex, like gay runner, or rowers and meet people that way?
There is more to being gay than just having sex and hooking up on manhunt… I think you’re slightly under the assumption that all gay men act and look the same way and are attracted to other gay men who act and look the same… in fact that’s not really true… so please don’t conflate the “fags you meet on manhunt” with the rest of us… who are not as close minded and know quite a bit about trans issues and have trans friends.
sorry I meant “not trans-specific” in my last post
remy, I wouldn’t be so quick to state that ‘in real life, people are much different’. If this were the case, all that organizing trans people (and the allies you seem to be aligning yourself with) are doing to combat the systemic violences they are fighting against would be a moot point.
Yes, manhunt sucks for everyone in some way, but to completely write off the trans-specific hostilities Al, and many others, experience as generalizable makes no sense. Oh, and come on, just because someone ‘knows about trans issues’ and ‘has trans friends’ means *nothing*. I venture to say that some of the most offensive and vile statements are made by those ‘manhunt fags’ that claim to be in the know with trans issues because they’ve slept with one.
Yeah, i’ll somewhat agree with Remy on the universality and non-trans-specific-ness of those issues. The gay community is just as diverse, if not more, as the american community at large. And, at least in my case, I’ve seen it to be even more judgemental and divided.
As for bars/clubs… personally I have seen the same types of actions, just more passive aggressive. But I have attempted to join some gay groups, and some of those do attract crowds with different attitudes. So maybe thats the best way to go.
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