Everyone at TNG has become obsessed with the gay Wiki How pages. Topics range from How to Get a Lesbian Girlfriend to How to Know if You are Gay. My personal favorite is How to Look Gay (for Women) because honestly I don’t look gay. At all. And after the recent post on what lesbians wear to work, I have to admit to feeling left out. So I went through the list to see how I match up, and see if there are things that I can incorporate into my wardrobe to give ladies I might be interested in a heads up.

Step 1: The first step is to remember not to change who you are or completely transform your look. You must be true to yourself to feel comfortable. Confidence is the single most important step you can take to make yourself attractive to anyone.

Confidence is hot.

Step 2: Hang out at places where lesbians like to go. Many bars and clubs have “girls nights” where you can meet other lesbians and observe fashion and personal styling tips. Just being there will make you appear gayer and will significantly increase your chances of meeting someone special.

Okay, well this is obvious. But it hasn’t worked.

Step 3: Join a gay dating site. This way, there will be no question as to whether you’re looking to meet a girl.

Ehhh. I did try to date via Craigslist and that backfired. After receiving emails from women who were either a. scary, b. sent me naked pictures, or c. all of the above, I went on one date where the girl was not cute and was quiet as a mouse. I proceeded to get tanked so I could talk to her, and the next morning she sent me an email asking me out again. Seriously? That wasn’t awkward for you?

Step 4. If you feel comfortable with the idea, cut your hair short. A short back and sides styled into a fauxhawk is sure to get you a lot of female attention.

The last time I had short hair was in 8th grade. This was also the year that I had round, green, wire framed glasses. Neither suited me especially well, and my hair has been longish ever since.

Step 5. Many lesbians prefer to have long hair – if this is the case, make sure it looks good, but not over-styled with accessories that are too feminine. Healthy and clean is the look you’re going for here.

Can someone explain what accessories are too feminine. Is my large, Blair Waldorf-esque headband collection unacceptable if I want to look gay? I went to the Uh Huh Her concert with two new Vineyard Vines headbands in my purse. I’m thinking that this wasn’t the best idea.

Step 6. Keep your nails short and neat. Long nails, particularly false, can make girls appear straight – so avoid this look.

Yep! I do get manicures sometimes, but would never get fake nails. In fact I got ripped up down there once after sleeping with a girl who had fake nails.

Step 7. If you’re comfortable with everyone knowing your sexuality, wear a t-shirt
with a lesbian slogan or image. These are available from shops in gay districts and many adult shops. Failing this, a shirt featuring a band that appeals to lesbians eg the Indigo Girls, Betty, the Organ etc will help and is more tasteful.

I’ve never seen the Indigo Girls, Betty is terrible, and who the hell is The Organ? Next.

Step 8. Put a rainbow sticker on your car or laptop. These are available at adult shops and online. Tip – it’s unfortunate, but true, that in this day and age homophobia still exists, so if you use a company vehicle or computer, be prepared to remove a rainbow sticker if asked to do so.

I did have an equality sticker on my nalgene, but then nalgenes became unhealthy so I threw it away.

Step 9. Wear rainbow jewellery or have a rainbow keyring/lanyard. If a lesbian is attracted to you, her instinct will tell her to look for clues that you’re into girls – so an item like this, as small as it may be, will provide a huge advantage.

Lanyard? Where on earth would I ever wear a lanyard to? Day camp?

Step 10. Wear pants rather than a dress or skirt to work. A collared shirt with a tie looks hot and definitely looks gay.

Okay, ties are hot. But not on me. I think I look far better in a dress.

Step 11. Wear flat shoes or boots. Avoid high heels. Steel-capped boots, Birkenstock sandals or Chuck Taylors are great.

I stopped wearing Chuck Taylors in elementary school and Birkenstocks in high school. Steel-capped boots? As TNG Stephanie said, “steel-capped boots?? i think i look better with my tool belt on and it sends a stronger message.” And flat boots are for riding horses with. I usually wear ballet flats or flip flops since I’m too tall to wear heels most of the time.

Step 12. Wear minimal makeup and keep your look casual. Nobody likes dirty or untidy women, so put some effort in, just keep it simple and funky, not dressy and glam.

I hate makeup so I guess I get some points here. Though I still do wear mascara every day.

Step 13. If you wear glasses, strong-looking, dark frames are popular with lesbians. If they suit your face, these are a good choice.

YES! I have these! And so did every other girl at the lesbian happy hour on Tuesday. Though too bad I only wear them at night because I see better with my contacts. My reading glasses are dark though, so maybe I get double points? Or else do I lose points for having reading glasses at my age?

Step 14. Wear comfortable, cotton underwear with a masculine, wide elastic waistband. Do not put too much effort into exposing the waistband, it will show when you move and other lesbians will notice it.

Um, what? Didn’t exposing the waistband go out in 1996? Someone needs to rethink this suggestion.

Tips

* Don’t wear a particular style of clothing if you don’t like it or it doesn’t suit your body type. Always choose clothes that make you look good and feel comfortable.
* Smile (I don’t smile. Ever. Maybe this is why everyone thinks I’m stuck up.)
* Maintain good posture – this makes you appear strong and confident and if you stand up straight and hold your head high, before you know it you will feel confident. This will make you instantly more attractive. (The person who wrote this isn’t tall. I can tell you that right now.)
* Make eye contact with other lesbians. Let them know you’re checking them out! What have you got to lose?
* Where possible, drop lesbian topics into conversation eg “Have you seen Season 4 of the L Word yet?” “Did you go to the pride picnic last weekend?” (Who has pride picnics? And why wasn’t I invited?)
* Remember, gay girls look for clues
- so less effort may be necessary than you think. (It is true. I do it too, so I guess I shouldn’t be so pissed off when no one ever thinks I’m gay.)

So I guess these tips fit for many of the lesbians I know, but it’s just not for me. Are there any other femmes out there who don’t feel like they fit? And who maybe want to go shopping?

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