Rants: Dear Kitchen Fags: Leave Me Alone
The above is the original title for this post. Although now I’m thinking “Dear Kitchen Fags: Take Me In! Show Me Your Ways” would be more appropriate.
I’m a busy person. I have a full-time job and a gym habit. I work on this site for an hour or two every evening. I have a social life and I go to shows and have drinks with friends and read books. There are never enough hours in a day, so everyone makes sacrifices to do the things they truly find important. Like staying in on Saturday to study for a test, you have to give some things up things to lead a productive life.
What fell by my personal wayside was cooking. I never really learned how to do it. My boyfriend can whip up a full vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner with a spare half hour and two celery sticks, but when left to my own devices I’ll be eating grilled cheese sandwiches or easy variations on pasta or even, god forbid, boxed mac and cheese (though Whole Foods brand. I still have some standards.) And people can be so mean about this.
Every day at work, I eat a turkey sandwich at my desk. It’s not the most amazing lunch in the world and it won’t appear in Martha Stewart Living. Hell, it might not even appear in Martha Stewart Prison Living. But it accomplishes the task of supplying me with basic nutrients, so I’m happy. However, the other people in my department happen to be intense foodies. While I’m wiping whole wheat crumbs off my face like some sloppy indigent, they’re leaning over each other’s cubicle walls and discussing the merits of cumin over turmeric, or how long it took to get the vinegar reduction on their chef salad to the exact right level of carmelization.
If I had the time and knowhow, I would have lunches like those of my coworkers (who might be reading this — Hi Greg!) But I don’t, so I find myself defending my food a lot. My attitude on such matters is usually to do what I was doing and not alter my path due to criticism. So for a while, turkey sandwiches were my true, righteous path. Judases be damned.
But then something happened. My boyfriend began packing me lunches, so now I sit at my desk eating things like cold sesame noodles or lentil and rice salads with lemon dressing. And my coworkers LOVE this. They inspect my Tupperware, praising the seasoning of a given dish and wondering when I’m going to bring in extra portions for them. It’s like gaining entry to a culinary cool kids club that I didn’t know existed. Then I started thinking: could all these food naysayers simply have my best interests in mind?
As a gay man, I feel like I have some obligation to eat well. Or, at least, palatably. Last year TNG Ben assembled a group of guys to see “Love’s Labour Lost” at the Carter Barron Ampitheatre, and you would not believe the kind of snacks that we all brought to the pre-show picnic. Whole Foods grape leaves. Three varieties of hummus. Blue cheese! Oh, the blue cheese! I was going to just buy some Cooler Ranch Doritos and be done with it, but I had an inkling that this would embarrass me. So I grabbed pita chips instead and fit right in.
But is there any room left in this world for the slovenly homo? I’m only 24, so I can’t tell if my gross habits are just an affront to the cultured sodomite or actual anathemas to the behavior of a properly functioning adult. When do I have to stop eating ice cream out of the carton? Is there a magic age one reaches where you can no longer eat the jelly bean that you find under your coffee table? Even if its licorice?
Luckily, right now I’m fortunate enough to be dating someone that makes most of the food decisions for me. I hate to admit it, but I would rather spend two hours doing dishes than one hour cooking. So the system works. For now. But what do you all think? Does the average gay eat better than their straight counterpart? Am I disgusting?
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I too can wipe up a Thanksgiving dinner for 16, no sweat, though it’s not vegetarian. And I do every year, and it’s always different, save the stuffing, it’s got to be chestnut stuffing.
And the same for the husband. We didn’t go to any school, though he does watch lots of food shows.
Cooking isn’t hard though it is daunting and there are tricks which can only be learned.
Example, need to server fruit, like say an apple or pear? Want it to look neat, and not hacked at? Melon baller to take out the seeds in the middle. Slice and present.
Most cooking takes two things, prep and organization. If you get organized and prep your food, it’s easy. Even doing recipes you haven’t done before.
1. Read the recipe twice all the way through. It’s amazing how many recipes half way through say, “Now take the bladitty blah that you prepared before hand and fold it in…” wait…I should have done this already…crap….
2. Get ALL ingredients ready in their measurements. You may think how long does it take to chop one clove of garlic. Longer then you have when you are in the middle of mixing everything.
3. Follow the recipe.
People who make their own food eat healthier, more so if they eat unprocessed foods.
If your eating habits are bad before 35, you may not notice what it’s doing to you, as your metabolism makes up for it.
After 35, those same eating habits hit you much harder.
And for the record, Turkey is a good source of lean protein, Zack, so don’t be ashamed of eating it. And at least it was on whole wheat bread.
My typing sucks big time, lately.
It was so funny reading your story. I had an experience almost EXACTLY like that last year. My boyfriend would make me Lasagna and after I microwaved it, the smell would fill the office, prompting all kinds of praise lol.
Unfortunately my boyfriend and I broke up in January and so Im now back to my own devices. I honestly have lost about 10-15 lbs since he left and my diet now consists of cereal and frozen food thats microwavable.. :-(
What TimP (or is it Timp?) said. So much of cooking is just being organized. I know some people who take that to an extreme and have everything planned out a week in advance (yikes!) but just having an idea in advance of what you’re eating for dinner can be huge.
(An old roommate of mine would occasionally tell me and the other roommate that he was going to cook dinner for us that night. Great! Except then he’d come home from work around 6:45pm and then decide what that meal would be. And then go to the grocery store in the most busy time of the day. So he’d get back around 7:45pm and then slooooowly start preparing everything. By 8:30 nothing had actually started to cook and I’d given up and made myself a meal and eaten it to fend off starvation. Which is not to say that he was a bad person, but if he’d just picked up the groceries on the way home that would’ve lopped an hour off, maybe more.)
If you want a simple but surprisingly good cookbook, take a look at Ted Allen’s The Food You Want to Eat: 100 Smart, Simple Recipes. (Yes, the guy from Queer Eye and Top Chef.) These are easy but really good recipes, and almost every recipe also has at the end a bit where it suggests way to add or swap out ingredients to create something slightly different. Really good food, and for people who aren’t used to rolling up the sleeves in the kitchen, very easy to follow.
I think that its totally possible to be both a “foody” and a slovenly pig. They just happen at different times.
I could go out for dinner at a tie-required-type restaurant every night, because I love good food and I love feeling like every meal is special. (attractive and attentive waiters don’t hurt the cause, either)
However, there are times when you need the total-crap food that you loved as a child. The Superbowl? Bring on the chips and salsa and pre-frozen mozzerella sticks. Watching an overly sappy movie in a fit of catharsis? a tube of tollhouse cookie dough and a pint of haagen daz (preferrably “sticky toffee pudding… mmmm) are just the ticket (and, in my opinion, if its ice cream in a pint-sized container, go ahead and eat it right from the carton).
I think its quite possible to strike a balance between gourmand and “man-food” (as my little sister calls it). I think the most important thing is to enjoy everything that you’re eating, and not just eat for the sake of survival.
also, for really easy (and free) recipies, you can seach the food network’s website… they rate them by difficulty, and you can search for like, vegetarian, or gluten-free, or any other kind of criteria.
also, i find cooking a lot easier when you know what type of food you like, and have the basics on hand at all times. me, i love cooking indian and thai food, so I always have coconut milk and curry powder at the ready, as well as a bag or two of (frozen) mixed veggies.
Food network is great.
Here is another issue people face. WHAT TO EVEN EAT? Try sitting down and making a menu for the week. You suddenly become brain dead. Uh…burgers…uh…spaghetti…uh did I say burgers?
Get a pad or something to write on and stick it on your fridge. Every time you have a meal at home you quite like, add it to the list, which you call “Meals I Like!” Or whatever.
After a while you will have quite a few.
NOW you can do this. Plan a menu for the week. And keep in mind, you don’t have to stick to it like glue, but here is the neat part.
Friday, you make a menu for next week, starting Sunday through Saturday. From your menu, you then make a list of all the things you need, and how much. (Eventually, this leads to organizing your list by how the grocery store is set up, and your shopping turns form and hour or more to 20-30 minutes.)
On Saturday, go shopping. I recommend early enough so it doesn’t feel like your day is broken by it. This does several things. You have everything you need on hand when it comes to make the meal, and you save money because you only buy what you need, and as much as you need.
So lets say your menu looks like this: S-home made pizza, M-chicken salad, T-tuna melts, W-rice and beans, Th-veggie burgers and carrot salad, F-pork and green beans, S-dinner out.
You come home Tuesday, and don’t feel like Tuna, so you switch T and W, and it’s easy because you have everything.
Eventually, you start making your menu to be more efficient. Lets roast a big chicken, and what we don’t eat, we make stock out of. Take that stock and pour it into ice trays, and when frozen switch to a ziploc.
So later when you are making say cous cous, you can toss in a cube or two of home made stock for extra flavor, rather then just water!
I think I’m over exciting my self…I need a lie down.
Hi, Zack!
Yes, we here at the office are unrepentant foodies and absolute bastards about it. We are delighted that, at long last, our little Zack is finally getting well fed by a man who makes curried tempeh “chicken” salad and breakfast muffins for our growing boy.
As a side note, I really do think food is an expression of love and being the sensualist that I am, it’s one of my greatest delights (hence my horror at that turkey sandwich repetition, although, honest to god, I really did try and refrain from bitching at you about it – however, you know keeping my mouth shut is not one of my gifts).
I didn’t know how to cook at all when I left home, and I soon got a boyfriend who trained as a professional chef (imagine my dismay when he finally made dinner for me by shaking a frozen pasta dish out of a bag). I just started trying various recipes starting with the basics and since that time, I can whip up a honey pine-nut tart, an asparagus and wild mushroom savory bread pudding or (to satisfy my carnivorous husband) a leg of lamb stuffed with garlic and rosemary.
Don’t worry, though, Zack; we’ll still love you if you bring over a bag of Doritos to a party.
I will always eat that jelly bean I find under the coffee table, especially if it’s licorice!
hahahaha…
here’s how i suggest you go shopping:
1. wait until you are overcome by a craving by something, whatever it may be; preferably wait until a time it’s usually considered unhealthy to eat at
2. jog to wherever you can get this – keeps the waist slim. fuck waning metabolism!
3. eat the food while you walk back.
4. stop at a gas station for a beverage
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
your pre-movie picnic reminds me of this time my we went camping with my boyfriend’s ex and a bunch of his friends. we were all assigned aspects of the meals to bring and we signed on late so i got salad. so i got the mixed greens (organic, duh) and i shredded carrots and beets, and prepared two dressings. i toasted fucking almonds for christsake, thinking this was a group of fags i had to impress. you know what they served me for lunch? OFF-BRAND BOX MACARONI!!! i was furious about it, and remain so to this day. so fuck conventional wisdom. fags are pigs too.
Cooking is a pain in the ass, and I hate it. The trouble is that I love good food, so I either have to keep spending or motivate myself to make it. It’s not that I don’t know how; I just don’t have the patience when I consider the books I could be reading or the classes I could be planning.
Zack,
I’m pretty much exactly like you in the food world. I could have recipes and all the ingredients in my fridge, but for some reason when I even imagine myself cooking, I get really tired then reach for something that I can eat simply after opening it.
I also am not sure if it’s from being a lazy 20 something who doesn’t want to grow up or what, but sometimes I’ll put up such a fuss then the second I start cooking I’m fine. Either it’s that I’m lazy and resisting growing up or that I have some weird anti-social disorder with cooking.
So my advice, recipes wont help. It’s the little step by step advances that help you get started and get over not cooking. Like make one dish a week/two weeks that would go with a meal your bf makes. I try to make one thing a week or breakfast on the weekends for my girlfriend while she pretty much does the rest. And I usually have to pump myself up for cooking.
My boyfriend does this awesome thing where he invites everyone over and we cook for the week every Sunday. I always had the desire to bring lunch from home, but I could never seem to find the time. Having a weekly thing with friends motivates me to actually look up recipes and get ingredients ahead of time (that organization thing Timp mentioned), and suddenly cooking has become a whole lot easier. Not to mention more delicious — I just finished my balsamic raspberry-thyme chicken leftovers at lunch today, and I almost wish my coworkers were foodies so I could have made them jealous.
If you want really yummy food, try the Quick & Easy section on http://www.epicurious.com — some of the recipes I’ve made from there have been more complicated than the stuff in Food Network’s Quick and Easy section, but the flavor difference made it more than worth it.
Zack:
Hang on to that boyfriend. Your descriptions makes me hungry (for the food)… ;-)
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