Gay Rites
I’m fascinated by an article called “Gay Rites,” which appears in this week’s New York times Magazine. It tells the story of how Massachusetts gay couples in their 20s are increasingly making the choice to marry.
What’s compelling is the idea that because younger gays and lesbians are coming out in more accepting environments, they feel as normal as their straight counterparts, and like heterosexuals, they are more willing to make marriage commitments and start families (with children). The article mentions that this change in acceptance has happened so quickly that even gays in their early 30s are left out of this paradigm shift. I’m one of them.
Most of us don’t escape the closet unscathed. Wounds are inflicted that scar our self-esteem, and these wounds don’t heal easily in a mainstream culture that is rooted in oppression. We don’t know how to relate to one another outside of a culture that primarily esteems image and sexual babylon, and we quickly arrive at a pragmatic understanding that mature love and committed relationships are not acheivable…at least not as long as you’re plugged into the matrix of mainstream culture. After years of repairing the damage from internal and external homophobia and negotiating a gay culture that chases its own ego across the pages of a designer underwear catalog, I’ve finally found peace of mind, perspective, and balance. However, while the wounds are no longer open, I still have visible scars, the most prominent among them also being one of the newest–cynicism.
While I don’t make a bitter show of my cynicism, it’s in my heart. I commonly recognize its subtle form in frequent conversations among my peers, our mutually reinforcing common experiences making hope the target of a mutually reinforced threat. “Don’t you dare trust,” it warns with the knowledge of one too many foolishly broken hearts. “Don’t you dare believe you can have what straight people have,” it implies with an understanding of the inherent limitations of deeply flawed faggots. “Straight people don’t even have what straight people have,” we say in acknowledgement of their institutional failures, as if the image of satisfying relationships are not only an illusion for us, but for everyone. And monogamy? That’s just impossible.
Yet in spite of these beliefs that have cemented our identity as if they were incontrovertible laws of nature, the next generation of gay people are starting to prove us wrong. My own boyfriend, who is 22 (10 year difference) is doing a particularly fine job of this. In spite of my latent cynicism of what’s possible between men (particularly with an age difference) and my own socialization as a gay man who has accepted the culture of “find em, fuck em, and forget em” as normal, his love for me has been nothing short of transformative, and I’ve had to reconsider everything that I’ve learned to think of as true.
It’s true that straight marriage, at least the way that many straight people do it, doesn’t hold much appeal to me and many other gay people. There’s also the possibility that my cynicism is well founded, and these many gay couples will be broken on the rocks of pragmatism. I hope not. In fact, I’m trying hard to be a believer. For every old queen that sneers at the idea of marriage and family and every young(er) queer that doubts the veracity of commitment, I hope these couples prove us wrong. I’m watching them. Many of us are, and we’re ready for them to show us how it’s done.
Great post and great commentary.
Am I the only one who thinks the images associated with this article are slightly insulting? Dressing up 20-something gay guys as 50s housewives and their hard-working husbands. We are not caricatures, but real people living real lives. Why portray us as Stepford-spouses or like some Disney/Epicot fantasy world of gay male domesticity.
Michael-I think it might be designed to underscore the irony of how different generations view the image of two men in domesticity, not to make caricatures of gay couples.
I find this post very interesting because, being in my twenties, I definitely recognize a significant difference in how myself and my peers view homosexuality and how my friends who are even just a little bit older see it. Fortunately, because of the scarifices of previous generations of gay men and (probably) my own liberal upbringing, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m carrying around a lot of gay baggage. I get the impression that my non-chalance and comfort re sexuality in any/all environs surprises a lot of older gays and liberal straights. Part of me just hopes they can come to take advantage of the fruits of their labor.
i don’t think there was anything wrong with the photos. they were well done. and this kind of 50s domestic nonsense is probably what people think of when they think of marriage.
you are a lucky man, ben. i wish i had more faith in love.
When my friends and I were checking the article online, after brunch, the reaction to the photos was a unanimous ‘hell, no!’ I can see where they were going with the kitschy callback, but I think what really bothered was, well, the 50’s-inspired blandness of it all. There is nothing left of the subversiveness of being queer, of saying that to be different is ok, furthermore that out of difference comes strength and creativeness. There was something just so mundane and entitled about the whole thing that made it unattractive. And I think it is interesting that all of those young gay married or soon-to-be married couples in the article where white. Not everybody has it so easy.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
getting married IS pragmatic, ben. everyone likes to go on and on about gays getting married to “celebrate their love” and “pursue happiness” and such, but i honestly don’t think that’s ever been the root of the debate. they’re are explicit economic incentives for getting married and myriad implicit benefits. and i want to emigrate! getting married to my boyfriend (were i able to here) seems like a pretty pragmatic decision to me.
I also rolled my eyes at the photos and the author’s thorough descriptions of his subjects’ clothing and speaking mannerisms. How about doing a photo shoot of gay couples doing house chores in their sweats and slippers (slippers without one’s initials emblazoned on them)? How subversive would that sort of an image be… I also wished the article didn’t focus solely on these wealthy urban elite gays, but I guess one article can only accomplish so much.
Having said that, it was mostly a refreshing take on the sorts of issues that confront young gay couples that marry. And this commentary by Ben is also very thoughtful and refreshing.
let’s not assume that the couples are all “wealthy elites” just because they’re white and chose to get married. didn’t some of them live with their parents?
i think the pictures work because, if you read the article, the couples are doing what they normally do with each other. who wants to see them in their sweats sweeping the floor? it’s art. they photographed them doing their routine but put a traditional marriage “sheen” on them to make the point that these “different” couples are doing the same things that “traditional” couples have done for decades. they cook, they entertain, they do housework, etc. let’s not judge them because they’re no t as rebellious as you want the gays to be.
For some reason, this brings to mind those ubiquitous (and ridiculous) “Married People Make More Money” ads on Metrobus shelters around the city. Subliminal message: “Queers are doomed to be single AND poor.”
I wrote about this today.
Personally I find the concept more inspiring than disturbing.
I think the kitschy photos are purposefully provocative.
if gay domesticity means being perceived as the folks in the pictures, i’d rather remain single. whatever happened to our role as trouble-makers, as a big “fuck you” to the mainstream?
really great article. thank you for sharing.
The NYT article was curious and certainly enlightening, but only when applied to an incredibly small proportion of the gay population. What hasn’t really been pointed out either in the article or the commentary is that while marriage and seemingly bland domesticity might be easily attainable for relatively affluent individuals who come from fairly progressive urban/suburban communities, this is still a huge leap for both rural and inner city queer folks. My parter and I have been together since we were 19, and are in our mid-twenties now. My own queer coming of age process out in the boondocks still makes me nervous to hold hands in public, even though I’m 800 miles away now, in a far safer environment. Thus I think the articles perspective that younger gays are more likely to enter into normative domestic relationships misses important other demographic factors. According to the NYT piece, my partner and I fit the bill of those bitter older generations (so disparagingly alluded to). Really, all the article does is make progressive NYT readers feel better about their socio-political positions, without challenging them to engage in any deeper thought on the issue.
Thanks for posting the article. Now I’m bitter right before bed.
Just kidding.
Kind of.
In all seriousness, I hope it works out for the couples involved. I just hope I’m as lucky one day.
A few responses:
While it truly can be “pragmatic,” getting married to my now-husband was never about convenience, partially, I think, because there was nothing legal about it. Plus, holding a Queer Witch wedding rooted the entire experience in bonding our lives together with a real spiritual oomph.
Another note: I find it interesting now that straight people constantly ask my hubby and me whether or not we’re going to have children. We try not to curl our lips in a snarl or react with a resounding “Fuck no!” but it’s not easy. There’s an interseting expectation developing, I think, along with the possibilites for gay couples to adopt.
And finally: There are many ways to be subversive. In today’s culture, living life authentically and with compassion is perhaps the greatest subversion of all.
Hey Guys!
My name is Marc and I am featured in the article. While everything in the article is accurate, it is important to express to everyone that Vassili and I did this article to show younger generations that being gay and in love is ok, in fact its wonderful. We both have been living at home to buy a house together, we truly do want to spend our lives together. I had reservations with the photo, as the entire purpose of doing the article was to show younger gays and lesbians that its ok to be yourself. At the end of the day, it is important to me that people read the article and say, wow they are pretty normal! Vassili and I both have our struggles, and we hope that people see us for what we are, two young people in love, not just two young guys in love. P.S our parents are aware of our plans and are very supportive of us :)
oooh compassion? that sounds pleasant. can i register for that at ikea?
The only value of this article was seeing that the word ‘heteronormative’ has now officially jumped the shark (look for it in future Webster’s editions).
Other than that, it was an astounding exercise in exposing the collective gay douchebaggery that now occupies most of Manhattan.
sorry… this was clearly happening in baahhstaahn, not manhattan… my bad. However… it still doesn’t change the fact that manhattan’s gays have taken the cake, when it comes to utter douchebaggery.
I got my eye on you, Chelsea boyz. That’s right.
Ephemeral Cities Man. Gay Douchebaggery is the new homonormative. This article says nothing new about how immature and self-absorbed young gay people have always been and always will be.
Ben there is no way you are in your 30’s. =P
On topic though–I’ve never sneered at the idea of monogamous love in terms of other people, but since my last (only) relationship I’ve thought it would never happen for me long-term. I am slowly trying to change that attitude.
Some of these responses has left me shaking my head.
I consider myself a new gay, because I’ve never fit in with mainstream ANYthing. I’m going to be 40 next month.
I’ve also been monogomous with the same guy for the last 11 years, and 4 years ago, we had a commitmet ceremony. One that was sponsered and paid for by the W Hotels, as we were picked as one of 5 couples for the event.
Growing up an article like this would have made a world of better difference.
Instead the articles that would appear, would be about the secret life homosexuals lived, and the consent fear of violence and lost of family and jobs if anyone ever found out they were gay.
It meant having to watch “Making Love” at 4 in the morning in the basement, so no one found out. There was no TV show willing to have gay people as characters that didn’t involve death, or comedy. The closests was Billy Crystal’s character on Soap, that no one would believe was gay, and of course, he ended up sleeping with women.
Trust me, age brings wisdom, if you are smart enough to remember where you came from, and what you used to have.
If you had been born 10-20 years earlier, many of you wouldn’t see things the way you do now.
And because you weren’t, I’m not sure some of you understand how lucky you are, and how much you have.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
god i hate it when the olds tell me i lack historical perspective because i see things differently than them.
Well, adam, so much for being open minded, how typical that attitude is amongst some “New Gay”.
And to show you have the wrong end of the stick, it’s not a lack of historical perspective I was talking about at all.
It’s a lack of personal experience. World of difference, and if you can’t see that, then you lack the ability to see outside of your own personal self, and cut yourself off from a wider learning experience.
Because I’m happy to see articles like this, I’m happy that gays can come out younger, and be accepted, and that more and more straight people want gays to have the same rights as they do, and that people want everyones relationship validated.
And I’m happy that YOU didn’t have to grow up with the idea that being gay is a case of hiding who you are at all times, and that you can look forward to a life of fear, and deception.
I’m glad that all the years I spent volunteering at the Gay Community Center helped people, and that manning the phone lines for hours and the Gay Youth Groups, and and such I ran helped people.
I’m glad at 20, I let my real name and photo be used in an article about gay youth, over 20 years ago, when it wasn’t safe to do so.
I’m glad I did all this, and I’m glad that the way I lived my life inspired others to be more confident in who they are, and others who did the same made it possible for the climate we live into day. A climate that allows me to have a job that I can have my husband covered by my benefits.
Which you couldn’t have had even ten years ago.
I’m glad of all the things I did 20 years ago when it wasn’t safe to do so.
And I’m glad that people like you and younger have a better world to be gay in, and hold your partners hand, and that websites like this exist.
Even if it’s clear that some young people can’t appreciate others personal experience.
But that’s ok, you don’t even have to say thank you. I would have done it anyway even if someone told me that later, some kid would call me an “olds” and roll his eyes.
You’re welcome anyway.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
god not again. i’m so late already and really shouldn’t be wasting time defending every risible thing i say on a fucking blog’s comment section.
i’ve been sleeping with an old for almost four years and have been living with same old for two of them. while he doesn’t give me any post-boomer “we invented sex” gay martyr b.s, he does feel the need to “educate” me on something every few days or so (in 1624, oliver cromwell…blah blah blah) . TIRESOME! i roll my eyes and make jokes at his expense, but we both know that the “education” is a big part of the reason i like hanging with the olds (this one particularly). which isn’t to say i haven’t taught him a thing or two.
timp, could you email me at Zack@thenewgay.net? I promise you’re not in trouble, I just have a question for you and am having trouble tracking down your contact info.
Adam, no one is trying to educate you.
I’m providing my perspective. You wouldn’t have an article like this 10 years ago, and 20 years ago, any article you would have had would have been about how a lonely life gays lead, with sex in back alleys, or lots of sex partners, with no chance of a having a healthy relationship.
Some fun, growing up being told your life will basically be nothing more then misery, because your gay.
So now it’s articles about younger gays coming out earlier and wanting to have relationships and all that comes with those, including marriage, and your all still complaining?
Ok fine, nothings good enough it seems.
And Adam, since you feel the need to seperate people in to age catagories, like the Olds, it shows what kind of attitude you have. You started out using that kind of language, and you continue to use it.
What does that say about you? Oh yeah, you date an old. Whatever.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
uphill both ways…i get it.
Sorry, Adam, I stopped playing the “I know you are, but what am I” once I hit my teens.
Yes, being gay was much more difficult 10 and 20 years ago than it is now, and I think we are all extremely grateful for the courage of those who helped/are helping to change things for the better.
There are, though, still some issues to be worked through, and I think some of them are more subtle than perhaps they were in the past. For a long time, being gay was about being outside mainstream society, and now that we are more (but not entirely) accepted, where and how do we fit in? I think the answer will differ according to the individual.
Being gay was about being outside the mainstream.
Then it became about being part of a community within it’s self.
Now it’s about being mainstream.
Which is what most gays 10, 20, 30, heck even back when in the 60’s and 70s said they wanted.
The ability to be just like straight people in terms of rights and equality and all that.
And now we are getting it. And what some have come to realize is that having gotten it, is it worth it? If it means giving up that special feeling of belonging to a community that was hidden, and safe, and above all, extra fun?
Did gays really think that once we got what we wanted, the party wouldn’t be over?
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