Us Vs Them?
While I always enjoy getting feedback from TNG readers, I got a letter recently that left me thinking. It was from a man telling us he was relieved to find our website, because he had never felt quite like he fit in with gay culture. That is totally in line with our aims, but he also made a point of stressing that he was an athletic, and rugged, and liked to sit and have beers with friends instead of going to raves with guys dressed in “tight t-shirts and tight jeans.”
I don’t like going to the big, loud dance clubs either, but here’s a question for everybody: How much of the contemporary gay identity is built on pride in what you aren’t, not what you are?
Hippies hate preppies, preppies hate hipsters, hipsters hate fratboys, and so on. I could talk for hours about the various stereotypes (and truths behind them) that go into all these social archetypes, but the fact is that they exist because people like to spend time with other people that are like them. That’s how herds form.
Right now, though, there is only one herd for gay people to join. Never mind the existence of gay hippies, gay fratboys, etc. They are around, but do not have enough social options available to sequester themselves into their own groups. Hence, my letter writer is bristling at the fact that he has to be lumped in with a social scene that he doesn’t enjoy. Letter writer, I’m happy we could show you another way. But is that the entire reason that you made such a point of stressing your masculinity?
How many of you, when you came out to your friends and family, made a point of stressing that you were gay, but not gay “like that.” “Like that” can mean a million different things —effeminate, lisping, ineffectual, shrill— but the message is the same: being gay is embarrassing, so you’re going to the closest thing to straight that the gay world has ever seen.
But the problem is that, by trying to counteract a set of stereotypes, you just create new ones. By stressing that you are athletic, for instance, you just enforce the stereotype that most gays aren’t. You capitalize on someone else’s status as an Other to reinforce your own state of fitting in. My biggest problem with gay culture is lack of options. Now that I’ve found some things to do that don’t involve going to Town or Apex, I can let the people that haven’t to their own devices. Their behavior has nothing to do with me.
Recently, an older woman that I have a great deal of respect for learned of this site, and our purposes in starting it. Her first response was to ask me “Ok, then, what do you think about musicals?” Now, I happen to really enjoy musical theatre. I performed in it in high school, still go to see it with my parents and keep the soundtrack to “A Chorus Line” on my iPod. But this has nothing to do with my sexuality, just a questionable taste in entertainment. Know who else likes musicals? My dad, and he’s been married to a woman for close to 40 years (unless he has something to tell me. If that’s the case, Dad, go ahead and leave a comment.)
I hope someday that we can move beyond the point where I’m expected to like musicals because I’m gay, and that if I don’t I’m somehow making a statement. Like what you like. Act how you want to act. But remember- you’re gay. You suck dick, eat ass and get fucked just like every other gay guy out there. It doesn’t matter if you wear flannel or chenille while you’re doing it.
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Spot-on zack! Bravo! It really bothers me when gays I know complain about other queers being “too gay”. WTF? Or when they bitch about TGs or drag queens or whatevers being bad in terms of representing “the community”. I just can’t get into identity politics anymore and I’m relieved that you confronted this issue before this site and the social scene it represents become just another excuse for conformity to some arbitrary standard.
I agree. Live and let live for heaven’s sake. It sounds as if he’s uncomfortable with being gay on some level.
I agree. Live and let live for heaven’s sake. It sounds as if he’s uncomfortable with being gay on some level.
Thank you for giving your comments, and thank you Zack. I don’t feel uncomfortable being gay everyone knows and I am happy with who and what I am, but I feel that I don’t fit in with the rest, I have no problem with other gay guys, drag queens, at all, but I feel that I am different from them not better in any way, and that is why I wrote to Zack.
Letter Writer
Now that I’ve found some things to do that don’t involve going to Town or Apex, I can let the people that haven’t to their own devices. Their behavior has nothing to do with me.
Kind of off-topic but this seems so dismissive. If I go to Town or Apex, does it necessarily mean that I haven’t been “enlightened” as to all the other things there are to do? Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but it sounds like you are making some unfair assumptions about the people who would choose to go to these clubs. Isn’t it possible that these people could have more in common with you than you think?
Indeed . . . Letter Writer, please be informed that being “athletic, rugged, and like to sit and have beers with friends” is about as unique in Gaylandia as is 3 seasons ago’s A&F baseball ringer . . . ie: ubiquitous.
a misanthrope will always biophysiologically find a reason to define himself in opposition to his current group.
Not like the ‘other boys’? Your gay. Not like all those ‘other gays’? You’re a ‘new gay’. Not like all those ‘other ‘new gays”? your a ‘new ‘new gay”. Not like all those ‘other ‘new ‘new gays”’? Then you’re probably a ‘new ‘new ‘new gay””. Don’t worry. Someday the world, (and the advertising industry) will catch up with you, and you’ll be the fucking star your mom told you you were.
To the last commenter:
You’re an asshole. Not like other assholes. You’re an asshole, asshole. The “I don’t leave my name next to my cunty, mean-spirited, kind of interesting but ultimately nonsensical comment because I’m plagued by inferiority and assholishness,” asshole. The kind that completely misses the point that zack is trying to make, which is that he doesn’t hate anybody, he just has musical and socio-cultural preferences that aren’t offered at TOWN,etc., in comparison to other venues. If assholes like you enjoy going to town every weekend, more power to you. I occasionally enjoy going there too, so if you see me, introduce yourself so I can kick you in the balls. Asshole.
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