Commentary: Say Hello
I was out with my boyfriend last night at the Xiu Xiu show, which was chock full of homos. There were a bunch of people there who I recognized but with whom I’m not really friends. Acquaintances is probably the right term. The boyfriend found himself standing next to one of these acquaintances, turned to him, and said hello. They introduced one another, and then the acquaintance turned and walked away. Hmph. Was he being a dick? Or maybe he was just shy. In this day and age, if you see someone who is attractive and self-confident-seeming, if they react shyly to a casual social encounter, our first reaction tends to be, “What a dick!” Well, not any more. Not for me. I’m adopting a new philosophy, and you all are part of it.
I rarely watched Six Feet Under. Very rarely. But I can recall one episode where the mother starts getting into this self help guru, and she and a friend go to some seminar. The speaker kept using an analogy about how “your house has to have a good foundation” and shit. Wait. I just found what I’m looking for, on Wikipedia of course:
In the seminar, the leader asks everyone to close their eyes and imagine that everyone else is laughing at them for being stupid, and then asks the participants if they get the joke.
The joke was, of course, that we all walk through this life feeling like everyone is judging us and laughing at us behind our backs. We all feel isolated, alone, vulnerable, worthless.
So, keeping that in mind, I’m adopting a new philosophy. If I recognize your face, from the gym, a bar, wherever, I’m going to smile, nod and say “Hi” to you when I see you on the street. And if I know your name, I’m going to say “Hi, _name_”.
I’m hoping that my new approach to greeting familiar faces will be a welcome and refreshing change in the queer scene in DC. I feel that gay spaces in general, and DC gay bars specifically, are filled with attitude. People are very defensive and stand-off-ish. If you try to be friendly to strangers, they think you are hitting on them. I guess everyone is so busy discreetly checking each other out — sizing up the prey and the competition — that we forget that we are humans who can benefit from interacting non-sexually with one another.
What will come of this? Who knows. In thinking of this plan, I had flashbacks to the Seinfeld episode “The Kiss Hello“. The notion of building social capital by simply being nice to one another and learning one another’s names definitely has some merit. But as the Seinfeld episode illustrated, it can go to far. Don’t worry, though, I won’t be kissing anyone hello. (Remind me to write up a post on an acquaintance giving me a huge kiss hello including full body embrace while at the gym, in the locker room, in his underwear. Talk about potential inappropriate contact!)
But I digress. What will come of this? I’m sure I’ll end up learning a lot more names. I’ll probably get a general feeling of connectedness to the community at large. Maybe I’ll make a few friends. And maybe I’ll piss a few people off, but those pissed-off folks are the real dicks. The rest of us might start to realize that we really aren’t alone. That we’re part of a larger community, and that that community provides support to us, emotional or otherwise. And we’ll be better off for that realization.
What about you? Will you pledge to join me in this, my crusade of civility and general be-nice-to-one-another-ness?
PS: The Seinfeld episode “The Kiss Hello” also contains a homo-moment, where Kramer kisses Jerry flush on the mouth just as George walks in. Really funny…
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_AJBiAr_jY&hl=en]
Your hello resolution is a good one, but as you probably know, it won’t be met every time with warmth in kind. Especially if you are from the Midwest and are naturally friendly. People in DC freak out when you say hi to them or walk up to them to chat. I think they think you want something from them, like you’re asking for change. I resolved to try to not let that chilly reaction/rejection get to me. Part of me hopes this “Oh jeez! Hi there!” attitude bothers such chilly people.
ahh, thank you for this post! this has been my approach for awhile now and i was pretty disappointed to learn that having a friendly attitude (which i think i’ve developed as a survival mechanism in an all-straight setting) makes people think you want something from them.
well, let’s put it to rest–i do want something: a social interaction.
God, I hated the fact that, when I first moved to, any guy i spoke with at a bar assumed I was hitting on them. And god forbid that i would meet/talk to someone and remember their name the next time I saw them- they would act like I was stalking them. Friendliness is not a crime, I wish more people in this city would realize that. And yes, I’m midwestern, so it was an even bigger shock to think that the whole region could be like that.
Seriously. I like to talk to people in bars because I like meeting new people and having interesting conversations… even if I’m not interested in them. It seems like everyone thinks if you talk to them in a bar, they’re coming home with you.
This only works for me in a bar though, since I get annoyed when anyone tries to engage me in conversation on the metro or airplanes.
Sounds like we have a theme for the next TNG party
TNG’s 1st annual “Don’t be an asshole” party.
Last night I had a dream that Michael caught me in the act of hitting on Zack. I don’t know if this is related.
Ground breaking !
Jenny- what are you up to tomorrow? Wanna grab a drink?
“People are very defensive and stand-off-ish. If you try to be friendly to strangers, they think you are hitting on them.”
this is why i have little to no gay friends. i feel like if i approach dudes they will naturally assume that im hitting on them. sucks.
eh, i don’t know. i really don’t want people talking to me. i don’t think that makes me a jerk. i don’t know what it makes me. but i heard a story once about a guy who talked to a crazy lady on the street in dc once at the corner of 17th and mass and she wound up stabbing him in the stomach. so maybe i just don’t want to get stabbed. people can hit on me all they want, but just don’t stab me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27hNImJ7aVU
Of course she says it best, of course.
I just got back from small-town Ohio, where not only do you say hello to everyone, but you also offer to get them drunk later that night. How about we start that philosophy in dc, as well?
*Scratches head* I’m always worried when actions like this become so lost that people have to rediscover them. I think I’m just in Jimbo’s shoes and think that this would be normal.
I have been very fortunate to have attended a week long seminar at the Tia Sophia Institute for Traditional Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture. This week long session was a welcoming and introduction for the new students of the school but was also open to the public.
The entire week was basically a dissection of initial acknowledgment so that these future health practitioners could practice the art of acknowledgment. It was a life transforming experience. But first.
By the time I was 5, my mother had instructed me to stand when a person entered a room, especially a lady,and to stand when left the person left.This was my first introduction to acknowledgment.
By the age of 12 a shop teacher taught us that when we gave a hand shake upon introduction, that it be firm and look the person in the eye. In 1986 at the age of 27,my arm began to raise and offer the peace sign.(I have no idea how that manifested itself.) All of these gestures I carry to this day,regardless if it is with an Ambassador’s wife or our nurse’s aid.
I was humbled to see film footage from 1913 of the Tecentenary Procession of the Romanov Dynasty, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxYmU_RTjqM
and see Czarina Alexandra bowing her head in gracious acknowledgment to her people. (Remember the footage is at fast speed.)Why should such a powerful woman be bowing to people; the grand-daughter of Queen Victoria and Czarina of all the Russias?
Another powerful representation of acknowledgment is in a scene from the first film Elizabeth with Cate Blanchete.
As Princess Elizabeth enters a inner courtyard filled with politically divided subjects,she stops at the entrance and the subjects settle to her presence. She acknowledges them with a respectful and sustained curtsy, bowing her head,the subjects part to the sides, she walks to the other end of the courtyard, turns around and curtsies to them in respectful gratitude.
Why all of this talk of standing upon the entrance of a lady to a room or royals bowing and curtsying? I feel that acknowledgment first is initiated by self-respect, dignity and most importantly humility.
As a result of my humbling experience at Tia Sophia, I now, more personally acknowledge the people who are servicing me; whether a grocery clerk, or a receptionist on the phone.
I think their name tags are there for more than reporting unsatisfactory service. Could there be anther reason for name tags? When I get coffee at Starbucks I will say, “Thank you David.” or “Good morning, Mr. Johnson.”
And the same goes for the phone. When I call for service and the receptionist says,”Hello, this is Shirika. How may I help you today?”
I respond with,”Good afternoon Shirika. My name is Steven Kijek.”
and I proceed.
Acknowledgment requires us to take ourselves off “auto-pilot” and be in the moment of now, and employ all of our 5 senses with sincere and good intention.
When a friend found his love I would always greet his new lover with the gentleness of a boobie; a hug, a soft caress of my thumb at his temples, close eye contact, with softly spoken words of acknowledgment into his ear, and a kiss to the cheek.
After a few of these encounters, my friend told me to back off, quite frankly.
I felt it was my responsibility as his friend to acknowledge his new love with great welcome and purity of heart. His demand of ceasing these warm welcoming gestures caused pain and confusion, but I realized that my intentions were not superficial,or full of ulterior motives. So I have stopped.
I have become more personable with people. I am far from a lolly-pop. I can still be glazed with imperious attitude, be on auto-pilot, or stuck in the past or expectations of the future. What I think is important is that we are reintroducing the art of acknowledgment, and that takes practice. Practice I hope continues for the rest of my life.
Thank you for letting me share and thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I hope it was worth it.
Sincerely, F.Steven
Good evening, Michael. My name is Eric.
My philosophy is simply this: read people’s body language, check out their affect. That will generally clue you in to whether they want to talk to you or not after that first “hello.” It’s always distressing when folks act weird or put off when you greet them, I agree. I also agree with the earlier poster: talking to strangers in bars is usually fine, but on mass transit or in airports: yuck, I hate it (esp. as I usually have my nose stuck in a book or paper in such situations). I am a big city midwesterner and I actually think that midwesterners are more reserved than is acknowledged here. But we’re usually polite when approached, even when we don’t want to be. I found that In NYC people were far more wary (and with good reason).
If you are, at best, acquaintances, you probably only have a few minutes of material. Couple that with the likelihood of having other friends nearby, it seems perfectly natural to wander off. Or he has Asperger’s.
I find having to wear a nametag at work humiliating, and I wish that customers I don’t know would not use my name, especially as many of them try to start an idiotic conversation about where I’m “originally” from. (I was born in DC, but they generally don’t seem satisfied with that answer.) I don’t necessarily mind if they call me Mr. Nelson, but I find that having someone I haven’t been introduced to call me Hans is very forward, nametag or not.
Regarding politeness, I am one of those who generally seeks to remain anonymous on the street or Metro, but if someone greets me, I’ll respond. Just be warned, though, that when I have my “city blinders” on I have been known to not notice my own roommate (he’s 6′4″) on the street! I understand that one becomes jaded living in a city of this size, but at the same time when one is in a relatively safe social setting such as a bar, I think it’s ok to drop the defenses a little. After all, if you only wanted a drink by yourself, you could just stay home.
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