Hey guys- what do you think about when you’re trying not to “finish?” There used to be a show on MTV called Austin Stories. It was one of those quirky ’90s shows that only I liked (see also: Mission Hill) but I watched it all the time. One episode showed the dorky main character reciting the names of 80′s metal stars during sex because it made him “last longer.” While I hope no one ever barks “David Lee Roth” at me in a moment of climax, I understood the sentiment.

I think every guy has some mildly unappealing mental image reserved for when they’re trying not to get hard in public (or in the gym shower) and some truly horrifying one that’s used only for staving off their sexual apex. Some men think about their grandparents, some think of dead animals. But I have a trump card that is worse than all those morbidities put together.

I ran track all through high school and college. While some of my fondest memories are of the camaraderie and laughter found in the team dynamic, I also witnessed somethings I will never, ever unsee. Like a distance runner’s nipples bleeding after a long, chafing run in the rain or a beefy ex-hockey player jumping rope in the group showers.

But the grossest thing I have ever seen was, undoubtedly, the Denison University field house’s bathroom. Imagine 200 men carb-loading the night before a meet, stuffing themselves with bacon and eggs the morning of, pushing their bodies beyond the limits of physical exhaustion and releasing the Gatorade-tainted product of this combination into the seven poorly-ventilated toilet stalls over the course of six hours. I ran the 1600 meter relay, the last race of the day, and usually had to throw up afterwards. In a bathroom like that, puking was easy.

But horrible as it was, the memory has served me quite well. Its sheer, visceral impact on my limbic system has gotten me safely out of many a “tight squeeze.” And I know I’m not the only person out there who conjures up something repugnant to make the one truly beautiful act last a little longer. So here’s a couple questions: whats the worst thing that you folks out there in TNG-ville have used to prevent sexual embarrassment? And is it actually worth prolonging a hot moment with the coldest of all cold thoughts?

And ladies: Is this an issue for you? I can’t imagine a situation in which a girl would have to hold back on getting off, but my forays into female anatomy were brief and regrettable, so I welcome your input.

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