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29 January 2008, 5:45 pm 3 Comments

Sex: TNG Zack is Not a Hypocrite!

A couple weeks ago I posted An Open Letter to the Men at My Gym, which was a little rant about locker room etiquette and the propriety of getting and/or flaunting a boner in said gym’s group showers. A lot of people called self-righteousness on me after this post, saying that I should simply stop using the group showers if I found those chubbies to be so offensive, or keep using the group showers and stop bitching about it.

Last night I remembered why I won’t stop using those group showers: I get to ogle cute naked men. My problem is not that the boners happen in the first place, but that their (frequently unattractive) owners seem so intent on showing them off. I said that the appropriate response to a (hopefully) accidental shower erection was to face the wall and crank up the cold water, not jump up and down and slap out “look at me” in morse code on your belly.

Well, last night an actual young, hot guy got a shower boner and took the former track, letting modesty cover what biology exposed. And what did I do, you might ask? I looked. I looked for a long time. I looked like I was a professional looker, working on commission, and the only way I could feed my wife and kids was look at that cute guy’s boner until I almost had a “situation” of my own.

I’m not saying this to brag, I’m saying this to let people know that my problem with gay gyms is not that men cruise each other there, my problem is that men cruise each other (and me) so directly and forcefully that it gets in the way of my true purpose at the gym, which is (if I were single) to attract cruising in more appropriate venues, like a bar, a supermarket or an elementary school playground.(Kidding, of course.)

To get back on track, I was heartened to see this attractive fellow actually be discreet because it reminded me of an essential truth of gay life: everyone’s looking and everyone is showing off, but not everyone has to look and show off in ways that make the rest of us uncomfortable or embarrassed.

(That said, my boyfriend suggested a social experiment last night, which is to go to the gym showers sometime and get boners on purpose to gauge the reactions of the people around us and see just how mortifying or attention-getting that actually is. I’ll let you all know if we have the, uh, balls to follow through on that.)

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  • Parker said:

    was it you who gave him the boner?

  • jimbo said:

    Sadly, the water pressure at most Washington Sports Clubs is so feeble that I can’t even put up a pretense of taking a shower.

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